Lessons Learned: Perspective from an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

I received a package in the mail this week that contained my mother’s autopsy report.  She died 11 years ago, but some of her things were sent to me recently after my step-dad passed away.  My mom’s death certificate, which I had a copy of, listed her immediate cause of death as “complications due to alcohol use”.  Until now, I’d never laid eyes on the actual autopsy report.

I didn’t know it back then, but I wasn’t ready to read this report, full of detail, 11 years ago.  I was too close to my loss and too wrapped up in the pain of my circumstances.  Reading it at that time would have been like pouring alcohol into an open wound.

Reading the narrative from the medical examiner’s office this week was not pleasant–I felt nauseous and I sat and cried for a while.  But, you know what I realized?  It didn’t feel like a Band-Aid being ripped off an exposed wound.  It just felt like I was reading a sad chapter in my mom’s life…in my life.

The lens in which I view that part of my life is different now, it’s more focused—in a good way.

These last 11 years have taught me plenty, but these two quotes beautifully sum up what I know to be true today.

“Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” –Unknown Author

“All things work together for good for those that are called to His (God’s) purposes.”  Romans 8:28 – The Bible

I’ve come to realize that great beauty can blossom from our greatest pain.

Someone is out there who’s reading this that is drowning in grief and pain right now, and you’re not able to imagine any good that could come from what you’re going through.

Or, maybe you’re someone who is a few years removed from your experience, but you’re stuck.  Maybe you just need a different perspective to help you move forward.

Whatever your story is, every detail is important.  The details may be sordid, but even the saddest of stories can have a silver lining, especially if you are able to learn and grow from it.

I’ve jotted down a few things here that I’ve learned through my experience and hope that it will help someone going through a difficult time.  It may even help someone to better understand what a loved one is going through.

Be patient with yourself.  Over the years, after my mom died, I would get frustrated with myself because I wasn’t “getting over it” quickly enough.  Obviously, when it comes to pain, we would always choose to speed the timing of our healing up.  A fast forward button would sell like hot cakes!  The reality is, healing takes time and time is elusive and not always ours to govern.

Show compassion.  I didn’t treat my alcoholic mother with much compassion when she was alive.  I loved her a ton, but when it came to her drinking, I was scared, frustrated and angry most of the time.  The life of a child of an alcoholic includes a lot of making excuses, covering up, cleaning up, and enjoying “freedoms” that shouldn’t be allowed a child.  With that being said, my biggest regret is that I didn’t show her more compassion.  I didn’t realize it back then, but my being compassionate toward her could have saved me some grief and may have possibly opened up opportunities to help her more.  By the way, showing compassion does not mean you condone someone’s unhealthy behavior.

Learn your lessons.  Life is full of lessons, we just need to do our best at being willing students.  Lessons learned will shape how you live your life.  And don’t worry if you don’t “get it right” every time.  Just like in school, we might have to go back and reread a chapter in our book from time to time, and that’s ok.

Practice gratitude.  When you’re sitting in a pit of sorrow or pain, it may seem like there’s nothing to be grateful for.  Trust me, there’s always something to be grateful for.  Sometimes the simplest things–the things we take for granted–can be counted as blessings….the sun shining, the rain nourishing the earth, the birds chirping outside, the roof over your head, the job you have…you get the point.  The act of gratitude will help you gain a fresh perspective.

Use your experiences to help others.  Who would have known that because of my past experiences, I’d have a soft heart and a unique understanding for those who struggle with addiction or for those who are in relationship with an addict?  See how the two quotes I mentioned earlier make sense?  Those less than desirable circumstances in my life were perfect preparation ground for opportunities and relationships I am able to have today, and God worked all things together for good.  I take great comfort in the fact that my mother’s death was not in vain.

I’d love to hear from you.  What are some important lessons you’ve learned along the winding, curving, loopy road of life?  I’d certainly appreciate some of your wisdom and I’m sure the other readers would too.

Please share this post with someone who may need some encouragement or a fresh perspective as they experience a difficult season of their life.

Thanks and have a great day!

Jill xx