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How to Create Healthy Boundaries With Toxic People

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Stephen Covey

I hope you have lots of awesome people in your life, but for our purposes today, we’re going to talk about the toxic people in our lives.

We’ve all got one or two of these toxic relationships, the question is, how do we deal with them?

I’ve found that when I’m around someone toxic, their toxicity bleeds out on me, and with prolonged “exposure”, I’m likely to have toxic reactions: outbursts of anger, saying things I don’t mean, complaining, being argumentative, and being stressed out in general.  Your reactions may manifest themselves in different ways, but what we both share is that we allow someone else’s toxic behavior to affect us in a detrimental way.

Did you notice the words “we allow” in that last sentence?  You and I both have the ability to either remove the toxic person from our lives completely, or at least limit our interactions with them.  This is the process of creating healthy boundaries for yourself.

I know there are certain relationships where it feels like you’re stuck, or you don’t know how to limit your interactions without a huge ordeal.  Today, we’re going to work through two different exercises:  1. Identifying the people who are toxic in our lives, and 2. How to establish healthy boundaries.

First, I want you to read an example I created that lays out a few boundary scenarios.  I think this might help you gain perspective where some people fit in your life.

Imagine you lived next door to your best friend.  When you moved in to your houses, there was a fence dividing your yards.  Because you love hanging out with your friend and you both would like to pass back and forth freely for cookouts and the like, the two of you may decide to take the fence down.  You may have another neighbor that you like, but you’d like a nice picket fence between the two of you with a gate.  The gate is physically and symbolically a barrier to entry.  But, with invitation, the gate is still an easy way to pass back and forth.  On the flip side, imagine you live next door to a neighbor who is difficult, rude, ruthless, disrespectful, and junky.  With this type of person as a neighbor, you may decide to erect a six foot, gate-less fence between your two houses so that your interactions are very limited.  In this last scenario, you may also decide to move to another neighborhood.

Just as with neighbors — some, who you love (others, not so much), all our relationships would do well to go through a boundary test.  You will choose to allow some people free access to you (no fence), others may need some healthy boundaries constructed (a gate as a barrier to entry), while some people are not welcome to any access, and you don’t care to ever see them (the six foot fence or a moving van in your driveway).

Friends, family, co-workers…we live in a world where we interact with many people on any given day.  Awesome people, kind people, annoying people, mean people, funny people, abusive people, rude people, selfish people.  For those that cross your path that are toxic, it’s time you properly identify them and establish healthy boundaries.

Let’s begin with an identification exercise.  You may have a person or two that pop in your head automatically, but still complete the exercise, because it’s good to not only identify the toxic person, but define what it is that makes your relationship toxic.  Someone may fit in every category on the list, and you’ll decide to end the relationship altogether, while someone else may be toxic in one area that you can either establish a proper boundary, or you can make a plan to try and help that person overcome the toxic behavior.

Grab a pencil and paper.

Write down the top 2-3 people (1 per page) outside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with, and the top 2-3 people (1 per page) inside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with.  Now remember, for some of us, there may be some really extreme examples of abuse on our list, while others may just have some personality differences that strain the relationship.  This is an exercise to create healthy boundaries for unhealthy relationships.

Now take each individual name and ask the following questions and write out your answers.

Does this person encourage me?
Does this person treat me with respect?
Does this person love me?
Does this person bring undue stress to my life?
Does this person have unrealistic expectations of me?
Is this person mostly negative?
Is this person honest with me?
Is this person way too self-centered?
Does this person have my back?
Does this person make me feel good when I’m around them?

You can also ask yourself the same types of questions, but flipped, like this:

Does this person discourage me?
Does this person disrespect me?
Does this person, through their actions and words, not show me love?
Does this person stress me out?
Does this person expect too much from me?
Does this person make you lose your positive outlook?
Is this person dishonest with me?
Does this person think the world revolves around them?
Does this person throw me under the bus?
Does this person make me feel bad, or hurt me?

The key here is not to lie to yourself or make excuses in this exercise.  Keep it black and white for now.  Just answer the questions as honestly as you can.

Now, it’s time to take a look at your list and make some healthy decisions.  You may want to let it sit for a day or two, pray about it, or talk to someone you trust for input.  The people you’ve identified probably fall in one of the following categories:  Excessively dramatic.  Abusive.  Controlling.  Chronically negative.  Narcissistic/self-serving.  Now it’s up to you to decide what type of boundary is best suited for each relationship.  Following are six steps to help you through the process.

Six steps to creating healthy boundaries:

NOTE:  For illustrative purposes, we’ll use an example of a toxic family member–let’s call her Aunt Jan–living close by, who expects too much of you and is extremely disrespectful.  You currently do a bunch of weekly errands for her, stop by her house 2-3 times per week, and take her to all her doctor appointments.  Aunt Jan is in her 70s and entirely able.

  1.  Identify and acknowledge the toxic relationships in your life.Aunt Jan scored 8 out of 10 on the list above.  Not a person you should be spending a great deal of time with!  Just acknowledging the problem and deciding to do something about it, is a huge step in the right direction.
  2. Determine a personal boundary plan for each relationship, keeping in mind the importance of your emotional and physical well-being. You are the only family member living near Aunt Jan, so, although you’re tempted to write her off altogether, you determine instead that you will limit your interactions to one visit every three to four weeks, and no errand running or doctor office shuttling (you will supply her with a resource list of people/organizations that can help on a volunteer basis or for a fee).
  3. Set your plan in motion. Because Aunt Jan is somewhat of a bully, you may decide to tell her about the new plan via the telephone, and follow up with dropping the resource list in the mail.  Face to face interactions can get heated, and you’re going to want the transition to be as smooth as possible.  You should plan for kickback from Aunt Jan, but stick to your guns.  Although you don’t owe her a reason for the boundaries you are setting, you may want to have a reason ready.  One way is to let her know that you have over-committed yourself and need to make some changes in your schedule.  I suggest you write it all out and have the paper with you, so you stick to the plan and are not pulled in another direction.
  4. Ask for support, if needed. Toxic people make boundary setting tough, so don’t go at it alone.  Enlist support from a friend, family member, counselor, pastor, or, in extreme cases, a police officer.  Just venting to or bouncing ideas off a friend can be all you need to stay strong and sane.  I think I’d even plan on taking someone along with me on my monthly visits to Aunt Jan.  She may be on her best behavior when in the company of others.
  5. Remember why you made the decision to end the relationship or establish boundaries in the first place.With time, you might forget how bad the relationship was and repeat your mistakes.  Don’t let guilt wear you down either.
  6. Focus on the positive influencers.  Remember the quote by Stephen Covey at the beginning of this article?  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Surround yourself and enjoy the positive influencers in your life.  Don’t let the toxicity of one relationship stain another.

Friends, setting boundaries with toxic people will not be an easy process.  It may be uncomfortable, awkward, and even scary, but just remember, you deserve to have an abundance of happy, healthy relationships.

Jill xx

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The Art of Listening Well

Have you ever been talking to someone and their eyes either glaze over or start scanning the room?  They’re clearly not listening, and you’re thinking, “Hey! Excuuuuuse me, but am I boring you to death over here?!”  This happened to me at a conference, and instead of just ending the conversation with this rude person and moving on, I began to speak faster and rattle.  This un-engaged listener was causing ME to feel uncomfortable!

The lack of listening skills has declined in our fast paced digital world, and I expect will only get worse.

It’s not unusual to see people in conversation, and the minute a text or other notification on their phone comes in, their attention is divided–if not completely stolen away–as they check their device.  I’ve been guilty of this and I bet you have, too.  Remember the days, when you had to wait to get home and check the cassette tape on your answering machine for a message from someone??

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone’s undivided attention when you’re talking with them (especially if it’s just for a few minutes).

Or is it?

Researchers and authors Bob Sullivan and Hugh Thompson tell us that “The human brain has the capacity to digest as much as 400 words per minute of information. But even a speaker from New York City talks at around 125 words per minute. That means three-quarters of your brain could very well be doing something else while someone is speaking to you.”

This leaves a lot of room for us, as listeners, to be thinking about other stuff, and not being the good listeners our mama’s taught us to be.

Sometimes, all it takes is a reminder (this post, or a bad experience of not being listened to well) and an intention to change to be better at something.  So, today, let’s all try to be better listeners.  While we’re at it, can we also agree to teach the children in our lives how to be good listeners, too?

Following are 5 tips to master the art of listening well: 

  1. Listen to learn.  This is especially true for friends and family.  You can learn a lot about people’s likes and dislikes, their dreams and aspirations, their fears and heartaches when you listen with an intention to learn more about them.  I have a friend — you know who you are, Linda — who is the best at this.  The details she remembers about her friends and family is uncanny.  I could mention three years ago how I love macadamia nuts with cinnamon glaze, because it reminded me of a cinnamon-colored pony I had when I was young, and one day she’ll show up on my doorstep with a box of nuts and a sweet and thoughtful note with a picture that looks exactly like my pony from years gone by!!!  People that listen and remember special things like this make you feel so “listened to”!  (NOTE: for those that, like me, don’t have the capacity to remember these things like my friend Linda does, maybe we should keep track of fun family and friend details in a notebook).
  2. Ask questions.  Asking questions is an excellent feeder and developer for good conversation.  Using this technique will help you to stay engaged and learn more about the person you’re talking with: both good listening skills.
  3. Don’t listen with an ulterior motive.  Don’t be the “listener” who is fidgeting and silently mouthing words that they want to say the instant they get the chance.  This type of person is only thinking about themselves and are not listening at all.  Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t engage with people in life and business that you’d like to talk to because you could benefit from their knowledge, resources, or connections somehow.  Just don’t enter conversations only to give your two cents or be a selfish taker.
  4. Listen with your heart.  Someone may say something to you, that if you’re not listening well, may slip by.  There’s a chance that what slipped by was very important, just not super obvious to the casual listener.  Maybe it’s a friend who is suffering from depression and is “asking for help”, or someone who needs a safe place to talk about something difficult they’re going through in their marriage, with their kids, or at work.  When you open your heart’s ears, you’d be surprised all that’s being said.
  5. Follow the Golden Rule of listening.  Last, but not least, remember to follow the Golden Rule of listening: “Listen to those as you would have those listen unto you.”

Friends, you know how it feels to be properly listened to, so here’s to more of that and more of you being a good listener to others.

Have an awesome day!

Jill xx

P.S. I’d love it if you’d share this post with your friends, family, and co-workers.

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My New Website!

You may or may not have noticed, but my blog went dark for the last couple weeks.

And, unless you’re a subscriber to my blog (they all got the inside scoop about my site being down via email), you may have thought I was taken by aliens.  Wait!  Did you alert the authorities that I was missing??  You should probably call them and let them know I’m OK.  Well, I wasn’t really missing, but, come to think of it, I did notice that no one sent help for me!!  People, have we not developed a little bit of a love relationship over the years?!

I know….you have a life.  Good for you!  Just know that I missed, virtually, hanging out with you here the last few Saturdays.

So, my site was down for a few weeks, not because of the aliens, but because it was being beautified!  Yes, my blog website had a well-deserved makeover.

Why a new site?  Well, I did it for YOU, and I did it for ME.  Here are my 4 main reasons:

  1. I wanted my site to look better and allow a better user experience for my current readers and the readers to come.
  2. I will be writing (guest posting) for other blogs and publications in the future and needed to “up my game” a bit.
  3. I wanted my site to highlight my mentoring services.  I have mentored women for years and have decided to use my blog as a place where people who might benefit from my services can find me and can find useful content that will help them. Details here.
  4. In girl terms, I just felt like my blog deserved a new hairdo and nice swingy sundress (yes, I’m aware that last part sounds like it could be a Taylor Swift song!).  I’ve been writing here since 2014 and this was a treat to myself for my hard work.  Don’t let those two little words “hard work” mislead you… I love all that I get to do on and through my blog!
    A big thank you to Liz, in Austin, TX, who worked her magic to beautify my site!

So…take a look around, make yourself at home, check back often (especially in the “Resources” section–I’m often asked what books I’m reading, so I’ve begun to start a list for you with a smidge of insight on each one from me.)

We’ll be back to our regular scheduled broadcast next Saturday.

IMPORTANT NOTE for new and current subscribers:  Some people have told me that they’d subscribed, but weren’t getting my blogs via email on Saturday morning.  Well, lo and behold, the email went in their SPAM folder!  Ugh!  So please, if you’ve already subscribed, go look in your Spam folder and mark my emails as non-spam or drag them into your primary inbox.  You can also hit “reply” to one of those emails and shoot me an email and that will let your computer know that we’re friends.

If you’re not already a subscriber to my blog, get on that!!  You’ll get my Saturday posts emailed directly to your inbox + you’ll be the first to hear insider scoops, like alien abductions and the like.

Looking forward to seeing you next Saturday, right here!

Cheers!  Jill xx

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