The Power of Ugly Words

A friend of mine, a gifted public speaker, recently received a hand-written “fan” letter in the mail.

The letter writer informed my friend that she was a terrible public speaker and that she needed to take a public speaking class.  Now let me interject here:  It is not only my biased opinion as a friend that she is an excellent public speaker.  She has humbly received multitudes of compliments on her speaking abilities and delivery.

Back to the letter…

The letter writer was also “kind” enough to point out very specific things (that weren’t true) that my friend needed to improve on.

The author of the letter chose not to leave a name or a return address.

What the letter writer did leave were words on a page that became imprinted on the mind of my friend (who, by the way, didn’t ask for this person’s opinion.)  My friend found herself going back to what was written and second-guessing her abilities.  The words on that page, from one single person, caused her confidence to fall.

How can the words of one person hold so much power over us?

I know of a woman who was told she was ugly her entire life–by her mother!  This woman would be considered very pretty by most standards, but guess what?  She believes she is ugly.  No matter what anyone else has told her over the years, she believes the UGLY lie her mother fed her.  You can imagine how believing this lie has manifested itself in her life.

Most of us have experienced the sting of an ugly word or statement.  Maybe it was someone telling you to give up a dream of going to college, because you weren’t smart enough.  Maybe it was someone telling you that you don’t deserve something because of something that happened in your past.  Maybe it’s someone telling you you’re fat and so that’s what you see when you look in the mirror.  Maybe it’s someone telling you that the way you talk is weird, so now you withdraw in social settings.

Whether we understand it or not, the words of one single person can have significant power over our lives.

Believing these lies can hold us back from living out our life’s purpose.  It can cause depression.  It can cause suicide.  It can cause us to stumble in places where we should be standing tall.  It can cause us to be less than we are meant to be.

So what can we do about it?

First, a few things for those of us that have been an ugly words target, and then we’ll address those of us that might be ugly word offenders:

Surround yourself with people that lift you up.  Choose friends who believe in you, who encourage you, and who make you a better person.  If you surround yourself with haters or naysayers, you’re gonna suffer the consequences.  Although we can’t choose our families, we can place boundaries on any unhealthy relationship.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When we use words or statements of affirmation, we are asserting that what we’re saying exists or is true.  So, for example, the woman who was told she was ugly by her mother, she might repeat the following to herself multiple times every day, “I am God’s handmade and beautiful creation who is worthy of adoration and love.”  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Take the high road.  Don’t spew back ugliness in response to ugliness.  The person hurling ugly words can’t take back what they say and you won’t be able to either.

Seek professional help.  Sometimes the scars are so deep you might need professional help.  Seek out a counselor, pastor, or physician to help you

Take it to God.  I have personally struggled with some pretty tough things for a good bit of my life and it wasn’t until I took it to God a few years ago that I began to see real transformation in my life.  The best thing about this route: there’s no charge, it’s super confidential, and He’s available 24-7!

Be a model of grace.  Your friends, family, co-workers, etc., are watching you.  Always strive to be a good role model.

Now, let’s move along…

Are you an UGLY words offender? 

There are two types of UGLY words offenders.

1. Those who will read this and call me an ugly name for writing about this. If this is you and you’ve gotten this far in reading this, please keep your mind and your heart open and keep reading.
2. Those who realize they may have a problem, who oftentimes feel guilty for their behavior, but just don’t know how to stop or fix what they’ve done. Glad you’re here!  I hope these simple suggestions will get you on the road to recovery.

Whether you’re a one-time ugly words offender or you’re a perpetual offender, here are some guidelines for you to consider:

Don’t be afraid to try and repair what you break.  Have you ever seen a beautiful china dish with a crack in it?  The dish didn’t have to be thrown out when it was broken–it was repaired and utilized for its intended purpose–but the crack will still always be visible.  This is the same with people: The scars you’ve caused may still be visible after you say you’re sorry, but you might be able to restore a broken relationship.

Place some boundaries on your tongue.  Do you find it hard to hold back when you have something to say?  Know this: You have the power to reign your own tongue in.  Every time you feel yourself ready to spout off, take 10-20 deep breaths in and out and don’t say what you were going to say.  Just don’t say it at all.  Remember, you can’t take your words back.  If what you need to say is important, then give yourself 24 hours to think about the best way to say it.  Chances are, you will talk yourself out of saying anything if you give yourself a chance to reflect on what you were going to say, how it might affect the recipient.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When you use words or statements of affirmation, you are asserting that what you’re saying exists or is true.  So, if you repeat to yourself throughout the day, “I am loved and I will show love,” over time, you will see a marked change in how you feel about yourself and how you treat others.  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Change is possible.  No matter what anyone told you, change is possible and it’s never too late to begin that change.

So, whether you’ve doled out the stinging words or you’ve received those words, today is a new day and the perfect day to start the restoration process.

I am guessing most of you reading this are adults.  Would you please share this post with the younger people in your life?  There is a serious bullying epidemic among our young people, and it will only get better when we talk about it and bring it out into the light.  Click here to watch an awesome anti-bullying message created by a 14-year-old teen from Texas.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here.

Have a great rest of your day!

Jill xx