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Now Is The Time To Get Out And Make Memories

Think back over your lifetime and recall your most delightful memories.  The ones that make you smile, laugh, give your heart an extra jump, or just sigh a breath of peace thinking about it.

Some of us will immediately jump back to childhood memories, others will recall times in their 20s–young and free, while others may need only look back a month or two to a trip taken to celebrate a wedding anniversary.  Depending on your personality, your favorite memories may involve daredevil type activities that provide adrenaline surges that will last for days, or for some, like me, the memory need only feature a beach, walking shoes, delicious food, and a good book.

Now I’m a huge believer in making sweet memories in your everyday life, from enjoying the beauty of your surroundings, to special moments with a loved one, to using your special dishes to serve yourself breakfast each morning, but I’m talking about getting out and making memories.  Memories that take a little work to plan and even pay for…the BIG memories.

Maybe it’s a trip to a faraway tropical place, a cross-country trip, stopping to visit all of the National Forests, travelling abroad, visits to historical sites, hikes that take you through multiple states, and so on.

I think we should place a little more effort into making big memories, before our opportunities slip away.

None of us are guaranteed another day here on this earth, so what are we waiting for?

Let’s all plan our next BIG adventure!

Of course, it’s wise to be smart about this.  I’m not proposing we all quit our jobs and go travel across Europe for the next six months, relying on the kindness of others to feed and house us.

Start the planning process now.  Even if you’re planning for something five years down the road (I hope you and I don’t have to wait that long), start dreaming now.  In case you missed it, check out my post about how half the fun of an event is the anticipation of it.

Here’s our mantra:

No more excuses.
Dream BIG.
Make a plan.
Go and do.
Repeat.

So, what do you think? What trip or epic experience is running through your mind right now?

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Do The Next Thing

You know what I want for all of us?  Hint: It’s my favorite thing to write about on this blog and to personally strive for in my everyday life: Joyful, intentional, balanced living.

Dictionary.com defines these words as follows:

Joyful:  Full of joy, as a person or one’s heart; glad; delighted.
Intentional: Done with intention or on purpose.
Balanced: Being in harmonious or proper arrangement or adjustment, proportion,etc.

Joy.  Purpose.  Harmony.  I feel a song coming on!!

If only it were as easy as singing a song and — voila! Done.  We live happily ever after, day after day, with joy, purpose, and harmony.

The problem is when we have those those long days (and sometimes even weeks) where we feel frustrated, stuck, exhausted, or overwhelmed.

Those awful days that steal our joy, have us forgetting that we do have a significant purpose, and those days that we feel so out of whack, that balance is the farthest thing from what we feel.

I’ve just experienced a bit of this feeling recently and after I let myself sit in the dumps for a bit, I decided to follow one piece of advice that is like a miracle cure to get you back on the joyful, intentional, balanced train.

Do.  The.  Next.  Thing.  

That’s it!

Remember the song, Put One Foot In Front of The Other?  It’s as simple as that.

It sounds pretty easy, especially when you’re singing that song, but when you’re feeling depressed, unmotivated, confused, anxious, overwhelmed, ticked-off, unsure, worthless, unhappy, or even just lazy, it’s not easy — at all.

I find when things are hard like this, the key is to break projects down into small actionable steps and pick one thing to do.  Now don’t overthink it.  If you start to overthink it, don’t allow yourself.  Pick one thing and start with that.  Who cares if it’s not the most critical thing that needs to be done?!  We’re not in the frame of mind to be hyper-organized right now!  After you do that first thing, then do the next thing.

For example, say you have people coming over in a couple hours and you’re on the verge of cancelling everything because your house is trashed, you’re in a bad mood, and the cat just puked on the floor.

My suggestion is to clean the cat puke up first, otherwise you might step in it later and then you’re really gonna fly off the handle or just sit down and cry.

Then…

Make yourself go into one room that people you have coming over will see, jot down the top 2-3 things that need to be done and do the one on the top of your list. Then…do the next thing.  Then…do the next thing.  Then, move on to the next room and do the same thing.

Did you see what happened?  You just got that one room ready by practicing doing the next thing.

At this point, as you begin to tackle the next room, a strange whistling sound may escape your mouth!  Yes, you may begin to feel happy, because you’re getting stuff done, my friend!

Now, imagine you’re so flustered that the thought of even writing a 2-3 item to-do list per room will send you over the edge.  That’s ok.  You, my friend, are going to go into one of the rooms that people will see and look down or off to the side and pick something up.  Take that thing and put it in its proper place.  Continue in that same room, just doing the next thing until the room is sufficiently ready to be used by you and your guests.

These “next things” can span from changing the next diaper, to picking up the next dust-bunny, to writing the next check, to paying your bills, to pulling the next weed, to putting the next dish in the dishwasher, to writing that next sentence in your journal, to calling the next house repair person on your list, to writing that next proposal, to mailing that next condolence card, to filling out the next online form, to calling the next person you need to follow up with on something….

You see where I’m going with this?  There is major power in just doing the next thing.  When you create momentum by doing the next thing, it will help bring you to a place of joy, intention, and balance.  That’s the way we’re supposed to be living!

You might not be able to achieve it in one afternoon, but as that momentum builds, you start creating order in your life which allows room for joy, intention, and balance.

Here’s to you leading a joyful, intentional, and balanced life, one step at a time!

Jill xx

P.S. You know others are going through this same thing, how about sharing this with them to help get them moving in the right direction?

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How an Early-Morning Routine Will Make Your Life Better

What’s your morning routine like?  Slow and relaxing, or rushed and stressful?  Are you an actual “morning person”, or does it take at least two cups of coffee for the sleep cobwebs to clear and for you to even consider uttering a word?  Are you productive in the morning?

About 18 months ago, I began a morning routine that has drastically changed my life for the better.  I began waking up around 4:30 a.m. — on purpose!  Why on earth would a sane person do this?

For me, the driving force was my desire to write.  My daily routine and choices at the time didn’t allow me time in the day or evening to write, so I had to create some brand new space within the existing 24-hour period.

If you’re cringing at the idea of getting up before the crack of dawn even thinks about cracking, let me share my three favorite things about this time of day (or is it night??).  First of all, it’s the most quiet and peaceful time of day.  There’s really nothing like it.  No one’s calling or knocking and if you have kids or animals, they should still be sleeping.  Second, your will-power and focus is super strong early in the morning because you don’t have anything else pulling at you, and you’ve not exhausted many brain cells yet. And lastly, whatever you accomplish during this time feels like a bonus.  It’s as if you’ve created a few extra magical hours in the day that no one else knows about.

Well, I want you to know about these magical hours!  I want you to experience the good that can happen in your life by creating an early-morning routine.

By creating this new space in my day, I had to make some life changes.  In order to get up at 4:30 a.m., I had to go to bed earlier.  I do best on 7-8 hours of sleep, so that means lights out at 8:30 or 9 p.m.  This was a big adjustment for me because I really enjoyed settling down and watching television about that time.  So much so, that we decided to go ahead and get rid of the television altogether.  This may sound severe, but taking that distraction away and saving on the Cable bill worked for us.  (P.S. Don’t worry, my husband was on board…he didn’t watch the tube much anyway.)

So now I can’t tell you what’s happening on HGTV, Food Network or Bravo, but I get to write, and that’s been such a valuable outlet for me.  And, because I choose to get up extra early, this also allows me time to work on other things that are important to me, both spiritually and physically.

If you don’t already have an early-morning routine, I strongly recommend you try it out.  Just try for one month and see how it works for you.  I’m telling you–it’s life-changing!  I’ve heard from several die-hard night owls, that switched to an early-morning routine, and they say they will never go back to their night owl ways.

A few tips to help you as you think about trying this out:

  1.  What’s your why?  What’s important enough for you to make this change?  I choose to focus on mind, body, and soul stuff.  When I put these three areas at the top of my priority list, everything else in my life is better.
  2.  Don’t cheat yourself on sleep.  A proper amount of sleep is critical to your well-being.  The National Sleep Foundation recommends 7+ hours/night for adults.
  3. What gets written down, gets done.  Write out a schedule for your morning routine and follow it.  Making your morning routine a habit helps you to stick with it.
    Here’s my schedule as an example:

Monday – Friday

4:40 a.m.: Wake up and give thanks for three things before getting out of bed.
4:45 a.m.: Make coffee and do neck exercises.
4:50 a.m.: Pray and Bible study.
5:30 a.m.: Write.
6:15 a.m.: Exercise 3x/week.  Read for fun 2x/week.
7:00 a.m.: Feed dogs.
7:05 a.m.: Make/eat breakfast.
7:20 a.m.: Play Bananagrams.
7:30 a.m.: Shower/dress/tidy/fetch the dogs.
8:00 a.m.: Begin work day.

I’d love to hear about your early-morning routine, if you already have one.  How is your life better because of it?  If you don’t already have an early-morning routine, I’d love to hear that you’ll give it a shot.  Let me know in the comments below.

Have a happy day!

Jill xx

 

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Mother’s Day

A friend asked me yesterday if Mother’s Day was a sad or hard time for me since I lost my mom (she was only 59 and died of alcoholism).  I thought I’d share my thoughts on this, since I know there are others out there who’ve lost their mama’s, too, and can probably relate to some degree. IMG_0331

Yes, the day with its big obvious name and all, has a tendency to make me sad when I think about my loss.  My thoughts oscillate between romantic thoughts of what could have been, to what should have been, to what never would have been, to a question I’ve asked God so many times, “Why?!”.  My heart also aches thinking about the emotional and physical pain my mom must have experienced…enough to lose her life to addiction.

As I write this, I’m 12 years out and have learned that healing takes time, sadness never completely disappears, our journeys would never be as rich if the path were only paved with gold, nothing is wasted–unless we let it, and, most importantly, God is a good and loving God.

Then there’s Billy.

Mother’s Day, while having its sad parts, also happens to be one of my favorite days of the year because 20 years ago, I became Billy’s mama.  He’s been a source of joy to me since his first breath.  (I doubt he’s reading this, but, if so…mama loves you, Bills!!)

Now, let’s talk about a super special category which is comprised of women who deserve HUGE recognition on Mother’s Day.  They are step-moms, foster-moms, surrogate moms, classroom moms, orphanage-worker mamas, and women who may or may not have children of their own, but love on other people’s children as if they were their own.  Ladies, my heart fills with gratitude as I think of you on Mother’s Day.  You may not have birthed these babies, but your influence on their lives makes this world a better place.

With this being said, I’d like to recognize one of those super special people in my life.  “Mama Judy” has been in my life for nearly three decades and has loved me as if I were her real daughter.  That’s why I call her my “bonus mom.”  Thank you for loving me well, Mama Judy!

And finally, I offer a special prayer of peace and comfort for those precious mama’s out there who have lost a child.  I cannot imagine what you’ve been through, and I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

With a heart of sadness, gratitude, love, hope, and thanksgiving, all at the same time, here’s to honoring Mother’s Day for all that it stands for.

Jill xx

Have you lost a parent to alcohol or drug addiction?  I wrote an article that you might find helpful…click here to read.

And here’s a follow up article I wrote after receiving lots of feedback on the first article.  I hope this helps too.

 

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Not Listening When You Should Be?

It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote an article titled, “The Art of Listening Well“.  I wrote it because, as I stated in that article, “The lack of listening skills has declined in our fast paced digital world, and I expect will only get worse.”  Friends, I was/am sincerely concerned for us, a world in which we get too busy with “stuff” to focus on the living, breathing, important things right in front of us.

Weeeellllllll, today I stand before you guilty of being one of those awful non-listeners.  The worst part of my non-listening crime was that the recipient the last couple of weeks has been one of the most important people in my life–my husband.  To top it off, he is a man of few words!!  If he’s speaking, I need to be listening!

What has been “more” important these last weeks?  Nothing.

My excuse: I’ve stretched myself too thin, have a lot on my mind.   The truth is, I have allowed my busyness to infringe on the communication with my husband.  My busyness and stretching is not his problem.

I share a real-time example here from my experience with my husband.  Are there people in your life that have received your less-than-attentive ear lately?  Your children, a good friend, your spouse, your parent, your sibling?

These people just listed are not the “chit-chat at a party” type of people.  These are YOUR people.  They deserve nothing but the best from us.  Don’t you think?

Sometimes it’s not enough to realize what you’re doing (like I have) and hope it doesn’t repeat.  In this blog, we need bullet points!!

Here are a few thoughts that I’m personally going to be using:

  • Acknowledge you’re being a lazy or non-listener.  You know, “they” say the first step is admitting the problem.
  • Set rules or triggers that surround future communication with “your people”.  For example, when one of these people enters the room, lay down your phone, close your book, and make good, solid eye contact.  I remember a man who said that he and his wife would take their children’s faces in their hands when they were communicating to ensure that both parties were listening intently.  I am so going to cradle my man’s face in my hands when we’re talking from now on! ; )
  • Ask the other person to call you out on it.  Crucial note: don’t allow your feelings to be hurt and don’t argue or try and defend yourself.  Thank them for helping to make you aware and move on.
  • Enjoy the intimacy you experience as a result of your newly honed listening habit.  Ah, the fruits of your labor!

Wait!  I think I hear my hubs coming.  Gotta run.  Getting into full listening stance with hands ready to cradle his face!  ; )

Here’s to taking steps to protect our most valuable relationships.

Jill xx

Please share this post…it may be the answer to many relationship woes.

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Laughter is the best medicine

When’s the last time you had a really good laugh? The kind where you either cry, nearly hyperventilate, or pee your pants.

This type of laughter has got to be one of THE best feelings and we adults need more of it!

Did you know that the average four-year-old laughs 300-500 times per day, while the average 40-year-old laughs ONLY 7-15 times per day? There’s something wrong with this picture. Yes, we as adults have more on our “plates”, but let’s not take ourselves too seriously. I think we must all agree to engage in more laughter!

Why is laughter so important?

Besides the obvious – that it makes you feel good and brings you happiness – there are lots of other benefits, too. Here are several:

Laughter is good for those around you. When others see you laugh, it makes them feel good, smile, and maybe even join in on the laughter. Perhaps a strategy to work towards world peace?

Laughter is a universal sign of happiness. There are many unusual cultural gestures and behaviors that may cause you to be arrested in some countries, but I’d venture to guess that laughter will not get you thrown in prison. It will most likely draw you closer to someone. Laughter is a bond like no other.

Laughter reduces stress. Have you ever laughed really hard over a stressful event, because you just can’t believe it even happened? Recently, something really ridiculous, not right, and a real bummer happened to my husband and as he was breaking the news to me, we both began laughing uncontrollably. I’m telling you, it really lightened the mood and helped make a pretty stressful situation more bearable.

Laughter is a natural mood enhancer. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the chemicals in your brain that make you feel good. This is the same thing that happens when runners achieve a “runner’s high”.

Laughter can ease your pain. These same endorphins can also inhibit pain signals in your body. I remember experiencing a great deal of pain after having my appendix removed when I was a little kid, and my brother stuck corn in his nose to try and make me laugh. I think our laughing may have actually decreased my pain–at least temporarily.

Laughter is good for your heart. Laughter gets your blood pumping, which increases oxygen flow to your body’s tissues. This keeps your organs happy and your cardiovascular system in good shape.

Laughter is good for the grieving heart. A friend’s beloved father passed away recently, and while she was making plans to spend a day with her mom and sister, they realized that since they were going to pick up his ashes from the funeral home early on in the day, they’d just have to bring him along to lunch at Cracker Barrel. The thought of this gave them all a much needed laugh.  Laughing when you’re sad is very therapeutic.

In an effort for us to catch up to the young’uns and their 300-500 laughs per day, let’s share some laughter today. I’ve posted some of my favorite funny videos and, in turn, I’d love it if you’d share your favorite funny video link or even a funny story in the comments.

Commence the laughter…

You’ve heard of twin talk, right? These two take the cake!

Preciousness x 4…

The singing trio…

I’ve soooo been this lemur while in class, meetings, and church!

This cute older couple is trying to figure out how to take a picture on their computer…

A cute version of “Take This Job and Shove It.”  This baby is laughing at his daddy ripping up a rejection letter he’d just received. Good attitude little one!

Our dog has a similar look when she’s guilty. Denver is too precious!

I hope these videos have upped your laughter quota for the day.  What’s your favorite laugh-out-loud video?  Share in the comments below.

Now go spend the day with someone who makes you laugh!

Jill xx

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The Power of 5 Minute Tasks

We all have 5 minutes to spare, here and there, throughout the day.  Over the last several months, I’ve uncovered the magic of what all can really happen in 5 minutes.

It lies in the power of choosing a task and working on it for 5 minutes straight without interruption.  This may be a task at home, work, or when you’re out and about.  You might be thinking, “What can I get done in 5 minutes?  I’ve got a pile of stuff to tackle and I’m lucky if I can get up and out the door each morning.”  I know!  I always thought that, too, but the reality is, you can get a lot done in 5 minutes.

I have included 9 simple ideas below to spend your 5 minutes.

But before you dive in, trust this:  One of three things will happen when you accept the 5-minute challenge:

  1. You will complete an entire task that you may have otherwise decided to put off until “you have more time”.  If you like to check things off your to-do list, 5-minute tasks are the best!
  2. You will whittle away at a larger task.  As you continue to spend your 5 minute sessions on this larger task, before you know it, the entire task will be complete.  Whittling away at a task can make a daunting task seem less overwhelming.
  3. You will start with 5 minutes, but when you see the progress you’ve just made, your motivation and momentum kick in and (if and when you have time) you’ll find yourself still working on the task, happily, an hour later.

5-Minute Challenge Task Ideas:

1. De-clutter/Organize.  A cluttered or unorganized house, car, or office not only clutters your physical space, but also clutters your mind.  By spending 5 minutes de-cluttering an area, you will be happy, not only with the aesthetic value, but for the internal peace it will bring you as well.
I’m still a work in progress in this area, but here are a few handy tips that help me de-clutter and organize in 5 minutes:

1.  Pick one small area to focus on.  You’ve got 5 minutes, so pick an area within an area, if you can.  For example, while you may decide to target your closet as an overall project, decide on one section within your closet to tackle in the 5 minute period: Fold, organize, and create a giveaway pile for all sweaters.  The same could go for any single item or area of your closet: shoes, scarfs, seasonal clothes, etc.     
2. Set your timer.
3. Get to work.
4. Mark down your progress in a journal or tracking sheet.  This is not a necessity, but it’s a great way to keep yourself accountable, systematically work through the various areas in need, and is an excellent visual way to celebrate your successes.
2. Clean.  I don’t know about you, but I can’t stand leaving the house with dirty dishes in the sink.  Not long ago, I went to bed without doing the dinner dishes (a big lasagna dinner), woke up late the next morning, and with 5 minutes to spare before running out the door, looked at those dishes and had a deep dread of coming home to that mess.  Instead, I threw on an apron and got to work on those dishes.  I kid you not, that mountain of caked on lasagna mess was cleaned in 5 minutes.  What I thought for sure I’d need a good 30 minutes to clean, was done in 5 minutes.  DISCLAIMER:  I do have a dishwasher, but I thoroughly scrub my dishes before putting them in.
Cleaning your bathroom for 5 minutes also works wonders.  I remember a friend’s mom told me when I was in high school that if you spend a few minutes cleaning your bathroom a couple times a week, you never really have to do a DEEP cleaning, because it never gets dirty enough.  I keep disinfectant wipes in my bathroom and follow this wise woman’s advice once or twice a week and it keeps things fresh and the need for a deep clean to a minimum.
Same goes for most any area of your house.  Got get ’em!
 
3. Take a mental time out.  Not the same as meditation, but a deliberate 5 minutes of just slowing down to breath deeply, take a look at the beauty around you, or just sit and enjoy the silence around you. 
 
4. Quick email/text/note/call to a handful of people to catch up.  ‘Tis better to hear something than nothing at all, right?  Trust me, friends, I’ve been the worst at this at times.  I’ve decided not to reach out to someone because I didn’t have 30 minutes to devote to a “proper” conversation.  Well, that 30 minutes of free time doesn’t present itself very often, so chances are you just won’t communicate to that person at all.  Is letting a year pass by better than a quick “Hi!  Thinking about you today.  Hope you have an awesome day!” text, email, or voicemail?  I think not.  Personally, I’d rather hear that from a friend.  I’m busy, too, so being on the receiving end of that text would be a relief for me.  How about you?
Read an article I wrote here about a note I sent that was 274 days late.
 
5. Pray and meditate.  You’d be surprised how many people, concerns, and thanksgivings you can cover in a 5 minute prayer session.  Seriously–you’ll walk away feeling so much hope and goodwill in your heart.  And if you’ve ever sat still quietly in meditation for 2 minutes – let alone, 5 minutes – you know how beneficial it can be.
 
6. Brainstorm an idea.  Have you had an idea you’ve been thinking about, but always push it to the backseat because you “just don’t have the time”?  Well, you won’t believe what a 5 minute brainstorming session using a pencil and paper can produce.  Try this  mind-mapping technique I wrote about here.  I use this technique on almost all my blog posts and I’m always amazed at what comes out on paper when I do this.
 
7. Book an appointment.  There’s bound to be something on your to-do list that you keep pushing down the priority list, but you really need to get done.  Let’s face it, scrolling through Facebook for 5 minutes is a whole lot more fun than calling to listen to an automated voice direct us through unending options, to finally get stuck with someone on the other side of the line who appears to not be having the best day and her voice is implying you are part of the reason!  However, the dental appointment, vet appointment, appointment to get your boiler serviced, or that dreaded colonoscopy appointment needs to be made.  NOTE: My current dentist and vet both have friendly people on the other end of the line. : )
 
8. Move your body.  People (talking to myself here, too !!!), we have been given this one body to last us for possibly century.  How can we expect to avoid health problems if we don’t show a little love and respect to our bodies??  We must do more.  And 5 minutes can go a long way.  Stretch, take a quick walk, do an exercise that can be done at your desk, at home, or in the grocery line.
I have these neck/shoulder exercises that I really should do several days per week in order to prevent further injury and guess what?  I cannot tell you how many days – even weeks – I have put off doing these exercises.  It’s crazy!  Especially when they don’t take that long and they’re not hard.
After re-injuring my neck/shoulder a few months ago, I printed out the exercises my physical therapist gave me and taped them to the inside of the cabinet that houses my coffee cups.  So now, when I’m brewing my coffee (which takes 5.5 minutes), I do my exercises (which only take 4.5 minutes).

9. Journal.  You don’t have to write a novel each time you journal.  It’s actually a bit freeing to set a timer for 5 minutes and just write.  A 5 minute “stream of consciousness” can be a really fun exercise.  Just pick one person, place, or thing to write about and let it flow!

So, now you’ve got 9 ideas to inspire and motivate you to get started on your 5-minute challenge.

Will you commit to trying this over the next week?  You can choose to do one 5-minute task each day or maybe a few 5-minute tasks per day.

TIP:  I’ve found that when I tie my task to something like the time it takes to brew my coffee or for my dogs to eat their breakfast and go out to the bathroom, or for the clothes in the dryer to fluff, it helps me remember to do the task and also makes me want to try to “beat the clock” which is fun.

I’d love to hear from you.  Let me know how you’re crushing your 5-minute tasks.

Here’s to getting stuff done!

Enjoy your day.

Jill xx
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How Anticipating a Fun Future Event Will Bring You Happiness

What if I told you that there’s a way to bring happiness and excitement to your day, no matter how busy, stressed, or distracted you might feel?  Aaaand, it won’t cost you a thing.

Cue the dreamy music with you sitting with your head tilted, chin propped as you gaze wistfully to the heavens.

Now, answer these two questions:

First, is there something coming up in the next few weeks or months that you’re really looking forward to?

I’m guessing, with the summer months on the horizon, you might have some sort of trip planned, or better yet, for some, a stay-cation.  Maybe you have an old friend coming for a visit, a family reunion, or you’ve signed up for a fun class at your local community college.  Maybe it’s anything related to your favorite holiday that gets you excited.

Second question:  How often do you think about this future event?

If the last time you thought about it was a month ago when you booked your airfare, made your reservation, or made plans with a friend for a visit — or in the case of a holiday — you only begin thinking about it just a couple of weeks out, I’d like to suggest you think about, and eagerly anticipate, your fun future plans more.

Why?  Because I want you to experience Rosy Prospection, like I do.

Rosy prospection is when a person’s anticipation of a planned event is greater than the actual experience.  It’s when you get excited just thinking about the future event you’ll be embarking on.  Friends, anticipation is half the fun!

I got to thinking about this when a friend stopped by the other day and laughed when she saw that the only thing I had on my 12 month wall calendar was my vacation and a few other work obligations that I didn’t want to forget.  Might I add that the vacation notation was in fancy lettering with green ink and palm trees sketched in!

Making a fun reminder on a visible calendar was just a small part of rosy prospecting for this eagerly anticipated future trip.   Other things I did in anticipation, other than the typical planning and organizing for the trip, was checking the weather of the place I’d be visiting, looking at pictures on Instagram that other people posted, researching restaurants, hikes and other fun stuff to do in the area, and most fun of all, talking about the upcoming trip with my husband.  Doing these things basically stretched out my vacation experience from the actual one week of vacation to several months of fun anticipation.

Maybe you don’t have anything big, like a trip, coming up.  That’s OK!  It’s fun to utilize rosy prospection for daily and weekly events too.

My husband thinks this is crazy, but I eagerly anticipate what’s for dinner while I’m eating breakfast!  Don’t let this make you think I’m an expert meal planner either.  I just love food, so I enjoy thinking about my forthcoming meals.

During certain times of the year, a friend and I go walking at the beautiful Biltmore Estate.  This is a weekly event that I eagerly anticipate in the days leading up to it.

Friends, sometimes we can get bogged down in the everyday routine of life, and I guarantee that if you add a little rosy prospection to your days, you will receive a nice boost of happiness and excitement.

Here’s to all of us enjoying the anticipation of fun future events!

Jill xx

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How To Stop Stressing Over Things Beyond Your Control

How much time would you say you spend worrying or stressing over things you have no control over?

You know, worrying about these types of things:

  • How people will perceive you.
  • How people will react to you.
  • The type of upbringing you had, and all the complications that came from it.
  • The illness that may cripple you or your loved ones.
  • A financial disaster that drains your savings account or puts you in major debt.
  • Betrayal of a friend.
  • If your husband decides to cheat on you.
  • Whether your kids will apply themselves in school.
  • The state of the housing and stock markets.
  • The decisions someone else makes.
  • When your loved ones will die.
  • How long you will have a certain job.
  • The weather.
  • Who your children pick as friends.
  • The exact route your life will take.

Yes, it would be nice if we had more control over these things, but the reality is, we don’t.

One thing we do have control over in these situations, is how we react.

I’ve found that there are some simple things each of us can do to help ourselves to be better reactors through the various situations we experience.  It’s the old M.B.S. technique!  Have you heard of it?

M.B.S. = Mind. Body. Soul.

If you focus your attention on developing and maintaining these three areas in your life, I dare say, you are guaranteed to better handle (react to) the things that come your way that you have little to no control over.

Mind. You’ve heard the saying, “Trash in, trash out.”  You have control over what goes in your mind, and in turn, what comes out.  What are you filling your mind with?  Good books?  Inspiring music?  The voices of positive people?  Truth?
Maybe you lean a little more to the side of: Crap TV.  Negative people’s voices. Your own negative voice. Getting stuck in the comparison trap.  Listening to lies.  When posing questions like these, it’s good to think about them from an objective (or outsider’s) perspective if you can.  Sometimes we can be more honest with ourselves this way.  Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and see where you can make some adjustments.

A strong, focused, happy mind will aid you in making good decisions through good and bad times.

Click here to read my article on how to create healthy boundaries with toxic people.

Body.  I am positive I handle stress better when I exercise.  This has been tested, so why is it that I haven’t been regular about getting my walks in?!?  Ugh.  That’s another blog altogether!  Studies show that exercise reduces stress, anxiety, depression, and fatigue.  It fights disease, helps manage pain, and improves your sleep.  It also helps you focus and improves overall mental function.  Just getting up and walking twice a day for 15 minutes will bring about huge benefits.

Just as important as moving your body is what you put in your body.  Remember the saying, “You are what you eat”?  Whenever I hear this, I picture two people walking down the street together, one is basically a greasy cheeseburger with legs and french fry hair, and the other is a carrot with legs, sporting a pair of running shoes.  Since I love greasy cheeseburgers, I take the moderation route with food.  I enjoy my greasy cheeseburger from time to time, but also make sure to pack carrots in my lunch and drink lots of water.  Just remember, if you’re only eating fatty, processed foods, you aren’t loving your body the way you should, and there’s a good chance you’ll experience health setbacks.

Soul.  Do you know the old hymn, It Is Well With My Soul?  Horatio Spafford wrote this popular hymn after several years of great loss:  his two year old son died, he experienced huge personal and business financial losses, and he then lost four daughters in a ship wreck.  He wrote the hymn while traveling by sea near where his daughters had perished.  It nearly seems impossible, doesn’t it?  To come to a place where, after tragedy piled upon tragedy, you can say, “It is well with my soul.”  Horatio drew his strength from his relationship with God.  Is it well with your soul?  Where do you draw your strength from?  We can learn from Horatio that spending time in “soul work” is critical for times when we are smacked with a situation we  have little to no control over.

Friends, if you focus on these three areas — mind, body, and soul — you’ll feel good and be better equipped to handle the difficult situations that come your way.

Here’s to developing and maintaining the good health of your mind, body, and soul.

With love,

Jill xx

 

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How to Create Healthy Boundaries With Toxic People

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Stephen Covey

I hope you have lots of awesome people in your life, but for our purposes today, we’re going to talk about the toxic people in our lives.

We’ve all got one or two of these toxic relationships, the question is, how do we deal with them?

I’ve found that when I’m around someone toxic, their toxicity bleeds out on me, and with prolonged “exposure”, I’m likely to have toxic reactions: outbursts of anger, saying things I don’t mean, complaining, being argumentative, and being stressed out in general.  Your reactions may manifest themselves in different ways, but what we both share is that we allow someone else’s toxic behavior to affect us in a detrimental way.

Did you notice the words “we allow” in that last sentence?  You and I both have the ability to either remove the toxic person from our lives completely, or at least limit our interactions with them.  This is the process of creating healthy boundaries for yourself.

I know there are certain relationships where it feels like you’re stuck, or you don’t know how to limit your interactions without a huge ordeal.  Today, we’re going to work through two different exercises:  1. Identifying the people who are toxic in our lives, and 2. How to establish healthy boundaries.

First, I want you to read an example I created that lays out a few boundary scenarios.  I think this might help you gain perspective where some people fit in your life.

Imagine you lived next door to your best friend.  When you moved in to your houses, there was a fence dividing your yards.  Because you love hanging out with your friend and you both would like to pass back and forth freely for cookouts and the like, the two of you may decide to take the fence down.  You may have another neighbor that you like, but you’d like a nice picket fence between the two of you with a gate.  The gate is physically and symbolically a barrier to entry.  But, with invitation, the gate is still an easy way to pass back and forth.  On the flip side, imagine you live next door to a neighbor who is difficult, rude, ruthless, disrespectful, and junky.  With this type of person as a neighbor, you may decide to erect a six foot, gate-less fence between your two houses so that your interactions are very limited.  In this last scenario, you may also decide to move to another neighborhood.

Just as with neighbors — some, who you love (others, not so much), all our relationships would do well to go through a boundary test.  You will choose to allow some people free access to you (no fence), others may need some healthy boundaries constructed (a gate as a barrier to entry), while some people are not welcome to any access, and you don’t care to ever see them (the six foot fence or a moving van in your driveway).

Friends, family, co-workers…we live in a world where we interact with many people on any given day.  Awesome people, kind people, annoying people, mean people, funny people, abusive people, rude people, selfish people.  For those that cross your path that are toxic, it’s time you properly identify them and establish healthy boundaries.

Let’s begin with an identification exercise.  You may have a person or two that pop in your head automatically, but still complete the exercise, because it’s good to not only identify the toxic person, but define what it is that makes your relationship toxic.  Someone may fit in every category on the list, and you’ll decide to end the relationship altogether, while someone else may be toxic in one area that you can either establish a proper boundary, or you can make a plan to try and help that person overcome the toxic behavior.

Grab a pencil and paper.

Write down the top 2-3 people (1 per page) outside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with, and the top 2-3 people (1 per page) inside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with.  Now remember, for some of us, there may be some really extreme examples of abuse on our list, while others may just have some personality differences that strain the relationship.  This is an exercise to create healthy boundaries for unhealthy relationships.

Now take each individual name and ask the following questions and write out your answers.

Does this person encourage me?
Does this person treat me with respect?
Does this person love me?
Does this person bring undue stress to my life?
Does this person have unrealistic expectations of me?
Is this person mostly negative?
Is this person honest with me?
Is this person way too self-centered?
Does this person have my back?
Does this person make me feel good when I’m around them?

You can also ask yourself the same types of questions, but flipped, like this:

Does this person discourage me?
Does this person disrespect me?
Does this person, through their actions and words, not show me love?
Does this person stress me out?
Does this person expect too much from me?
Does this person make you lose your positive outlook?
Is this person dishonest with me?
Does this person think the world revolves around them?
Does this person throw me under the bus?
Does this person make me feel bad, or hurt me?

The key here is not to lie to yourself or make excuses in this exercise.  Keep it black and white for now.  Just answer the questions as honestly as you can.

Now, it’s time to take a look at your list and make some healthy decisions.  You may want to let it sit for a day or two, pray about it, or talk to someone you trust for input.  The people you’ve identified probably fall in one of the following categories:  Excessively dramatic.  Abusive.  Controlling.  Chronically negative.  Narcissistic/self-serving.  Now it’s up to you to decide what type of boundary is best suited for each relationship.  Following are six steps to help you through the process.

Six steps to creating healthy boundaries:

NOTE:  For illustrative purposes, we’ll use an example of a toxic family member–let’s call her Aunt Jan–living close by, who expects too much of you and is extremely disrespectful.  You currently do a bunch of weekly errands for her, stop by her house 2-3 times per week, and take her to all her doctor appointments.  Aunt Jan is in her 70s and entirely able.

  1.  Identify and acknowledge the toxic relationships in your life.Aunt Jan scored 8 out of 10 on the list above.  Not a person you should be spending a great deal of time with!  Just acknowledging the problem and deciding to do something about it, is a huge step in the right direction.
  2. Determine a personal boundary plan for each relationship, keeping in mind the importance of your emotional and physical well-being. You are the only family member living near Aunt Jan, so, although you’re tempted to write her off altogether, you determine instead that you will limit your interactions to one visit every three to four weeks, and no errand running or doctor office shuttling (you will supply her with a resource list of people/organizations that can help on a volunteer basis or for a fee).
  3. Set your plan in motion. Because Aunt Jan is somewhat of a bully, you may decide to tell her about the new plan via the telephone, and follow up with dropping the resource list in the mail.  Face to face interactions can get heated, and you’re going to want the transition to be as smooth as possible.  You should plan for kickback from Aunt Jan, but stick to your guns.  Although you don’t owe her a reason for the boundaries you are setting, you may want to have a reason ready.  One way is to let her know that you have over-committed yourself and need to make some changes in your schedule.  I suggest you write it all out and have the paper with you, so you stick to the plan and are not pulled in another direction.
  4. Ask for support, if needed. Toxic people make boundary setting tough, so don’t go at it alone.  Enlist support from a friend, family member, counselor, pastor, or, in extreme cases, a police officer.  Just venting to or bouncing ideas off a friend can be all you need to stay strong and sane.  I think I’d even plan on taking someone along with me on my monthly visits to Aunt Jan.  She may be on her best behavior when in the company of others.
  5. Remember why you made the decision to end the relationship or establish boundaries in the first place.With time, you might forget how bad the relationship was and repeat your mistakes.  Don’t let guilt wear you down either.
  6. Focus on the positive influencers.  Remember the quote by Stephen Covey at the beginning of this article?  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Surround yourself and enjoy the positive influencers in your life.  Don’t let the toxicity of one relationship stain another.

Friends, setting boundaries with toxic people will not be an easy process.  It may be uncomfortable, awkward, and even scary, but just remember, you deserve to have an abundance of happy, healthy relationships.

Jill xx

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