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Combat Fear and Shame by Sharing Your Story

Last week I talked about the lessons I’ve learned after recently reading my mom’s autopsy report.  I have received countless messages, mostly private, from people telling me that reading that post really struck a chord with them—many could relate directly to the problem with alcoholism in families, others could relate because they have been or are going through some other sort of trauma in their lives.

Many people told me that by reading my story, it helped them to see their own situation in a different light and encouraged them in a profound way.

This is exactly why I write this blog…to share stories, ideas, and perspectives that will impact and improve our lives—whether it be related to goal setting, overcoming obstacles, finding the extraordinary in the ordinary, or about opening up about a difficult time in your life, like I did with last week’s post.

My goal today is to encourage you to think about sharing your story.

If the idea of sharing scares you, remember that there’s not a “sharing formula” you must follow.  You don’t have to write about it like I did in a blog, you just need to move forward…take the first step.

Maybe you’ll choose to share with a friend or a counselor, confide in a support group, write in a private journal, or maybe you’ll be the one to share your story in a memoir for the whole world to see.

If sharing were always easy, I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?  Let’s talk about a few of the obstacles we face in sharing our stories and then finish up with some reasons that support the importance of sharing:

REASONS YOU MIGHT CHOOSE NOT TO SHARE YOUR STORY: 

Fear.  You were not created to live in a state of fear.  Fear is like a bully who holds you captive, preventing you from reaching your full potential.  A key to overcoming fear is to name it, so you can deal with it.  Answer this question: Why are you scared to tell your story?  Embarrassment?  Shame?  Being ostracized?  Once you name your fear, you can begin breaking down the reasons for it and addressing how you will overcome it.
Shame.  Dr. Brene Brown has studied shame for many years and offers the following counsel: “Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.” She gives these three points to combat shame: 1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  2. Reach out to someone you trust.  3.  Tell your story.
Timing.  Don’t rush things.  What I shared last week took 11 years for me to be able to share to the degree that I did.  There are other chapters in my story that I’m actively working through—parts that I may share in the future, or may not.  It’s important for each of us to use discernment and to allow the right timing to unfold.

REASONS YOU SHOULD SHARE YOUR STORY:

Bring Light to the Darkness.  Have you ever woken in fear from a nightmare and as soon as you switched on the light, you felt better?  It works the same with real-life nightmares.  When we tuck things away in the dark, we allow them to haunt us.  Darkness is fertile ground for breeding fear and shame.
Healing.  Sharing you story can bring tremendous healing, both physically and mentally, to yourself and to others.
Sharing is Caring.  Sharing is both an act of self-care (healing) and altruism.  When you share you have the ability to make a positive impact in someone else’s life.  Don’t be stingy with the blessing you are meant to be. : )

Whether I’m fortunate enough to witness your story sharing or not, I thank you in advance for being courageous.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.  Please share this post with someone you care about.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Lessons Learned: Perspective from an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

I received a package in the mail this week that contained my mother’s autopsy report.  She died 11 years ago, but some of her things were sent to me recently after my step-dad passed away.  My mom’s death certificate, which I had a copy of, listed her immediate cause of death as “complications due to alcohol use”.  Until now, I’d never laid eyes on the actual autopsy report.

I didn’t know it back then, but I wasn’t ready to read this report, full of detail, 11 years ago.  I was too close to my loss and too wrapped up in the pain of my circumstances.  Reading it at that time would have been like pouring alcohol into an open wound.

Reading the narrative from the medical examiner’s office this week was not pleasant–I felt nauseous and I sat and cried for a while.  But, you know what I realized?  It didn’t feel like a Band-Aid being ripped off an exposed wound.  It just felt like I was reading a sad chapter in my mom’s life…in my life.

The lens in which I view that part of my life is different now, it’s more focused—in a good way.

These last 11 years have taught me plenty, but these two quotes beautifully sum up what I know to be true today.

“Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” –Unknown Author Read more

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The Art of Delegation – Let It Go

Today wraps up our three-part series on self-care.  Week one, we talked about taking care of yourself before you crash and burn; week two, we talked about the power of saying “no”; and this week we’re tying this self-care package up with a pretty little bow called DELEGATION.

Now before you decide that the only people who have authority to delegate are people that have employees, think again.  Let’s see how Merriam Webster defines the word delegate:

delegate definition

Good news!  Every single one of us has the power and authority to delegate stuff in our lives!  Stuff in our work lives, stuff at home, stuff in our community involvement, etc.

My list of current “would love to delegate” items include: monthly deep cleaning at my house, some of the back end tech stuff for this blog, picking up dog poop in my yard (ok, that’s just dreamy talk…I wouldn’t ask anyone else to do that awesome job!).  We did recently hire someone to mow our lawn (our son who has moved off to college was our previous delegatee for that job).

Lazy or unrealistic you may say??  I beg to differ!  Here are a few reasons why I think it’s important to delegate as part of your self-care regimen:

  1. You will open yourself up to more meaningful opportunities. If your schedule is full, you will likely turn down or miss out on really good opportunities because you can’t fit them in your schedule.
  2. You should always try and utilize the highest and best use of your time. For example: Say you have 15 potentially productive hours in any given day.  Here’s a hypothetical breakdown:  Work at your job = 9 hours, commute to and from work = 1 hour, grocery shop = 30 minutes, prepare & eat dinner = 1.5 hours, laundry/iron = 1 hour, exercise = 1 hour.  That all equals 14 hours.  You’ve got one hour left of “awake” time in your day.  Would you rather have some down time to read, work on a fun project, visit with a friend, spend quality time with a family member OR mop the floors?  I say throw the dang mop in!  Hire someone to do the deep cleaning of your house.  Can you tell I’m working on convincing myself here? ; )
  3. You empower and/or provide opportunities for others when you delegate. That’s right!  Consider your delegating as an altruistic act.  : )
    On a serious note, we often hold on to tasks/jobs/activities for the wrong reasons—we’ll discuss some of these below–but by letting go, you may be giving someone else an opportunity at a learning experience or a chance to shine in something they do very well.

So now that we have some good reasons to do some delegating in our lives, let’s flip the coin and address some reasons as to why we might have trouble actually delegating stuff in our lives.

  • Fear.  Many people, especially in the workplace, fear if they delegate, their job might be in jeopardy or they will be needed less or seen as less important.  This is generally not the case.  Someone in a company who masters the art of delegation, will usually get more accomplished by utilizing the highest and best use of their own time.  The same thing can happen with families–for all you homemakers out there–it is not a sign of failure if you decide to delegate some of your home management duties.  You know the saying, “If mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.”
  • Loss of control. Whether you are a perfectionist or uncertainty causes you anxiety, the idea of losing control is a tough hurtle to overcome.  You must first come to terms with the fact that no mortal being has control over the future and to charge one’s self with the weight of this is an unrealistic burden.  Secondly, fighting perfectionism is an uphill battle.  If you can manage to let go of control, you will experience a freedom like no other.
  • Martyrdom.  If you are taking things on to make people feel sorry for you, please find it within yourself to stop immediately.  Martyrdom is the wrong reason to do anything.  It is a form of manipulation that is not healthy for you or those around you.
  • Lack of money. I mentioned wanting to hire someone to do the deep cleaning at my house—yes, this costs money, but my husband and I both have full-time jobs and we make decisions and sacrifices that will add value to our chosen lifestyle.  Obviously, each individual or family has to make their own decisions as to what is important to them and what they can afford.  If I make the leap to hire a housekeeper, I would personally make a decision to cut back on eating out.  If it’s not an option for you to delegate tasks where a fee or charge is involved, I would highly recommend a barter.  Using my example, I could offer a housekeeper free marketing or business coaching in return for his or her services.  Get creative…there is usually a way to make things work.

We all deal with different obstacles when it comes to empowering ourselves with delegating, but the key is to remember that the point of delegation is to create a life for yourself in which you are free to do what you were created to do, what you enjoy doing, what is necessary for your family, and what you do best.

I encourage you today to take a look at areas in your life that may be worth delegating, so that you can get to the really good stuff.  I’ve created a Delegation Worksheet to help you get started.

Click here to download your free Delegation Worksheet.

I’d love to hear what you decide to delegate!  Leave your one thing or a list of items in the comments section below.

Thanks for spending time here with me today!

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How Saying No Will Improve Your Life

NOTE: This is the second of a three-part series on the importance of self-care and easy steps to make it happen.  Click here to read part 1.  

Mr. Jobs had a few good thoughts running around in his head, don’t you think?

Let’s read it again…

“It’s only by saying no, that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.”  Steve Jobs

So true, yet many of us still get caught up in saying ‘yes’ to too many things.

How can such a little, tiny word -‘no’- be so difficult for us to utter?

For me it’s usually one of three reasons:

  1. I don’t want to let anyone down.
  2. I don’t want to miss out.
  3. I don’t want to offend anyone.

One has to be careful with this type of reasoning.  It’s not productive and can lead to unnecessary stress and worry.

I’ve found that the best way to combat this type of thinking is to live your best life, try and make thoughtful decisions, and be at peace with the outcomes.

In an effort to be a good steward of both your yes’s and your no’s, I want to encourage you to take a look at the activities and relationships in your life and see where that little two letter word might be needed.

I asked some readers where they needed to work on saying ‘no’ in their lives and combined those answers with some of mine and here’s what we came up with:

JUST SAY NO (thank you) TO…

Internet & TV.  This can be a MAJOR time suck and pull you away from things you should be saying yes to instead!
Constant checking, messaging and posting on your smart phone.  One reader shared that she and her husband had decided to consciously put down their smart phones when they get home in the evening, so they could better enjoy each other and their children.  Emails and Facebook can wait!
Participating in every social engagement announced.  It really is ok to miss out from time to time. : )
Rude people.  Engaging in conversation with someone who is looking to stir up conflict is a losing proposition.  Get rid of people like this in your life.
Volunteer opportunities.  Just because you’re awesome, doesn’t mean you have to tackle every project that comes along.  Think of your ‘no’ as leaving open an opportunity for someone else to give their well-cultivated ‘yes.’
Unwanted advice.  While well meaning, sometimes you just need a listening ear or a shoulder to lean on.  It’s ok to tell someone you’d rather just have them listen instead of giving you advice.
Unfair or uncomfortable situations at work.  Just because you’re getting paid, doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to speak up at your place of work.
Excess of anything.  Moderation is a good thing.
Your children.  Children need to hear the word ‘no’.  It will make them better people.
Church obligations that you perform out of guilt.  Don’t worry, God’s not gonna strike you down! : )
An overly demanding friend or relative.  It’s important to create boundaries in all of our relationships.
Your own excuses.  Just because you’re tired after a long day at work, doesn’t mean you should allow yourself to eat poorly and blow off exercise.

Stephen Covey sums it up well here: “You have to decide what your highest priorities are and have the courage—pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically, to say “no” to other things.  And the way you do that is by having a bigger “yes” burning inside.”

Anything you would like to add to the list?

Do you have a burning “yes” just waiting for room to come out and blossom?

NOTE: This is the second of a three-part series on the importance of self-care and easy steps to make it happen.  Click here to read part 1.  

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Taking Care of Yourself Before You Crash and Burn

NOTE: This is the first of a three-part series on the importance of self-care and easy steps to make it happen.  Read part 2 here.  Read part 3 here.   

Do you ever feel like you’re running in 101 different directions?  Are you busy taking care of everyone and everything else, leaving you exhausted and running on fumes?  Have you reached a state of burnout?

How are we supposed to properly care for others, if we are running ourselves ragged?

Let me ask you a question?  What happens if you do crash and burn?  I’m talking about getting physically sick or having a mini or even a major emotional breakdown.

One of two things will likely happen:

  1. Things in your life will fall apart and some of the pieces will be picked up in the interim, while others will be waiting for you to rise from your “sick” bed so you can pick up those pieces left lying around and get back on the crazy merry-go-round you’ve been on. Spoiler alert: This is an unhealthy pattern that needs to change!
  2. People in your life will step in and help out. Some of the responsibilities you’ve been shouldering will fall to others temporarily.  Others will fall away completely…right into the lap of the person who should have been handling that responsibility in the first place (spouse, kid, needy friend, fellow committee member, co-worker, etc.)

What I’d like to propose, since we can’t manufacture 10 more hours in a day, clone ourselves, or add an extra set of hands to our bodies, is that we focus on taking better care of ourselves, so we can better care for those around us.

Whether you have kids at home, you’re taking care of elderly parents while holding down a full-time job, or you’re somewhere in between–life can be crazy busy.  Setting aside time to care for yourself is critically important to your physical and emotional well-being.

A reader commented on last week’s video post about overcoming obstacles, on our tendency to show more compassion to others than we do to ourselves.  This is so true!  Don’t you think you and I need to show the kindness and compassion for ourselves that we show to our most precious family members and friends?

I’ve got a simple and fun exercise I’d like you to complete today.

Before we begin, let’s get you in the right frame of mind.

Please, please, please…

Give yourself permission to care for yourself.  Remember the reader comment I mentioned earlier about how we show more compassion towards others than we grant ourselves?  Imagine you had a friend that was burning the candle on both ends and about to collapse.  Would you tell them to buck up and get their lazy butt moving?  No, you would likely insist they immediately either take a couple days off, get a massage, put their duties aside and take some long walks, head to the nearest bed and breakfast to hide out for 24 hours, or a combination of all of these.  You get the point…we would wisely urge them to do what it takes to take care of themselves.  I encourage you to give yourself the same caring advice next time you are running ragged.

Ok! Let’s get started on this fun exercise to see how you can best care for yourself immediately and in the future:

I recommend you keep this list in a journal or notebook that you can refer back to in the future.  How about keeping a running list of dates and self-care activities too!  Click here to download a free printable worksheet to complete this exercise.

Step 1: Write down three to five extravagant (to you) things that you would love to treat yourself to (if only you had the time and money).  Think BIG here.  Pretend that money is no object.

Step 2: Now, write down three to five things that you would love to do if you had an entire 24-hours free, but you weren’t allowed to go more than 15 miles from your home.

Step 3: Last, but not least, write down three to five things that you would love to do if you had an entire 24-hours free, but you couldn’t leave your home.

Now, take a look at the last “home” list and circle your top pick from the list.  Do the same with the two other lists.

Get your calendar out and schedule, in pen, that one thing from your “home” and “15-mile” lists.

Here’s the hard part…make sure you don’t allow yourself to knock the activity or non-activity you’ve scheduled from your list.  You don’t cancel your yearly physical at the doctor’s office, do you?

You’re probably wondering about what you’re supposed to do with the first “extravagant” list.  That list is to keep you dreaming big and setting high goals for yourself.  Take your top pick from that list and figure out how to make it happen…even if it’s 3 years in the future.

Please don’t see this as a one-time exercise.  If you start regularly scheduling these types of things for yourself, you will see a huge improvement in your life.

Enjoy the special time you’ve got planned!

As always, thanks for spending time with me here today.  I would love to hear some of the things you will be scheduling in.  Please let me know in the comment area below.

Guess what?  I’m taking some of my own advice and am headed out this weekend for some rest and relaxation at a cabin in the woods with some girlfriends.

Thanks and have a great day!

Jill xx

Don’t forget to click here to download the free printable worksheet I created for you to complete the exercise we’ve talked about today.

NOTE: This is the first of a three-part series on the importance of self-care and easy steps to make it happen.

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5 Steps to Overcoming Difficult Obstacles

Trying something new this week…a VIDEO blog post!  

Let me just begin by telling you, it’s not as easy as it looks!  I decided after 20 + takes that it’s better to put something out there than nothing at all.  You’ll understand what I mean when you watch the video.  Please excuse my mess ups, and just know that I’m speaking from my heart.     

So, what you’ll hear me talking about is something we can all relate to — the need to overcome obstacles that will inevitably show up in our lives.

Whether you’ve been through something in the past, you’re going through it now, or there’s something around the bend that’s about to smack you in the face, obstacles are a part of all of our lives, so it’s in our best interest to figure out how to deal with them.

Enjoy the video!

By the way, I filmed this video in a hotel at nearly midnight with my camera propped on an ice bucket…oh the professionalism!  : )

I’d love to hear from you.  What have you found to be helpful in overcoming the obstacles you’ve encountered in your life?  

I’d also like to hear what you think about the video format?  Do you like or do you prefer the fully written post?  Please let me know in the comments below.

Thanks and have a great day!

Jill xx

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Get Back On Track After Falling Off the Wagon

Do you feel like you’ve experienced a bit of whiplash with how quickly these last two months have flown by?

I sat down the other day and reviewed my written goals for the year (which I strongly urge you to do at least once per month) and realized that of the 15 goals I set back in January, I’m only following through with eight of them.  I know I should be happy with the progress of the eight, but it’s the other seven that are staring me down and making me feel bad.

Here’s the deal–and I’m talking to myself just as much as I’m talking to you: There’s no time to sit around and feel bad about what could have been.  It’s time to get back on the wagon.  We can’t change the past, but we can certainly learn from it.

I’ve got three simple steps to get us back on the right track.  There’s no time like the present, so let’s get started!

NOTE: If you wrote your original goals in a journal, I suggest you do the following exercise in that same place.  It’s helpful when you can look back and review where you’ve been and what you’ve accomplished.

First Step:  Figure out what the stumbling block has been for you to achieve or move forward with your goals.  Warning…you’re gonna have to be introspective and honest with yourself in this step.  It might even be helpful to put the superhero cape aside during this exercise.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  1. Do the goals I came up short on, scare me somehow? What fears do I experience when thinking about those goals?
  2. Are my goals unrealistic? Have I set too many goals?  Have I set crazy timelines that I can’t possibly meet with the demands my busy schedule?
  3. Have I failed to set proper systems (time management, accountability, etc) in place to help me succeed?

Second Step:  Now that you’ve defined the problem, the next step is to figure out how to fix it.  Let’s address the three questions you answered above:

  1. Fears: Break down any fears you have associated with your goals. Oftentimes, when we break things down like this into bite-sized pieces, the “scariness” falls away. Now, these bite-sized portions of your big goal become manageable mini-goals.  Now you can begin working on each mini-goal, one by one, until completion.  This really works!
  2. Unrealistic goals: Maybe you were a little ambitious, like I was, at the beginning of the year and set too many goals. If that’s the case, list out and prioritize your goals.  Maybe keep the top 3-4 and drop the others.  You can always focus on those you dropped later in the year or even next year.  If the main problem is the unrealistic deadlines you set for some of your goals, then set new dates that are more realistic to match your lifestyle.
  3. No systems in place: Say your goal was to organize your house this year, but you didn’t set up a proper system to accomplish it. Now you’re sitting here a couple months later with the same mess and even more stress about it.  Make it your goal today to set up a system that will help you achieve success.  It may be as easy as creating a weekly project checklist.  Don’t overwhelm yourself by assigning yourself too many tasks each week.  Maybe set two 30 minute time slots per week to tackle a specific area in your home.  Once you finish that area, start on the next.Just as we talked about earlier, cutting your goal up into bite-size pieces will cut back on the overwhelm and make your project manageable.  This is key…Don’t forget to keep yourself accountable by scheduling this in your calendar and set a timer to work by.  Take your goals seriously and don’t let anything interrupt the time you’ve set aside to accomplish these goals.

As I mentioned earlier, I fell off the wagon on some of my goals this year, too.  Here is how I worked through the exercise we just outlined:

I’ve narrowed it down to two trouble areas for me:

  1. Problem: Wasting too much time online.  I would start to do some research for a blog post I was working on and next thing I knew I was reading about Madonna’s daughter’s new fashion line!  And just so you know, my research had nothing to do with fashion!  It’s super easy to get sucked into the online vortex, but admitting your problem is the first step, right?
    My fix:  About a month ago I began setting a pretty strict morning schedule for myself.  The routine has been great, but after the first month, I realized I needed a little more structure to ensure my success, so I incorporated tracking each of my daily tasks in a planner and using a timer.  This has worked very well.  Daily accountability in black and white and on a countdown!By the way, I plan to write an entire post on the beauty and benefits of setting a morning routine (even for you non-morning people) with some really great tips for you to consider, so be on the lookout for that in the future.
  2. Problem: I was overly ambitious and set too many goals.
    My fix: I had to reprioritize my goals and drop some of my overambitious goals off my list.  The ones I dropped are still important to me, but I dropped them in an effort to do better in certain areas and not spread myself too thin.  I will revisit those goals in the future.

I hope working through this exercise will help you to get back on track.  It has helped me!  Now, one last thing…

Third, stay positive!  Don’t dwell on what could have been.  As long as you made an effort to understand what the obstacles to your progress were, and have set some solutions, get back on the wagon and enjoy the ride!  Pat yourself on the back for the successes you’ve already had this year.  Even if you’ve only accomplished or have improved on one goal on your list–good job!

I’d like to hear from you.  How are you doing now that we’re two months into the year?  Are you doing well with achieving your goals, or can you relate to this post?  What have you struggled with?  Please do tell…you’re helping others by sharing.

As always, thanks for spending time with me today.

Jill xx

P.S.  If you haven’t already subscribed to my blog, please do so now by entering your email address in the form on my site.  You will receive a weekly post filled with inspiration, a fresh perspective, and a challenge to create the life you want and love.

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The Power of Ugly Words

A friend of mine, a gifted public speaker, recently received a hand-written “fan” letter in the mail.

The letter writer informed my friend that she was a terrible public speaker and that she needed to take a public speaking class.  Now let me interject here:  It is not only my biased opinion as a friend that she is an excellent public speaker.  She has humbly received multitudes of compliments on her speaking abilities and delivery.

Back to the letter…

The letter writer was also “kind” enough to point out very specific things (that weren’t true) that my friend needed to improve on.

The author of the letter chose not to leave a name or a return address.

What the letter writer did leave were words on a page that became imprinted on the mind of my friend (who, by the way, didn’t ask for this person’s opinion.)  My friend found herself going back to what was written and second-guessing her abilities.  The words on that page, from one single person, caused her confidence to fall.

How can the words of one person hold so much power over us?

I know of a woman who was told she was ugly her entire life–by her mother!  This woman would be considered very pretty by most standards, but guess what?  She believes she is ugly.  No matter what anyone else has told her over the years, she believes the UGLY lie her mother fed her.  You can imagine how believing this lie has manifested itself in her life.

Most of us have experienced the sting of an ugly word or statement.  Maybe it was someone telling you to give up a dream of going to college, because you weren’t smart enough.  Maybe it was someone telling you that you don’t deserve something because of something that happened in your past.  Maybe it’s someone telling you you’re fat and so that’s what you see when you look in the mirror.  Maybe it’s someone telling you that the way you talk is weird, so now you withdraw in social settings.

Whether we understand it or not, the words of one single person can have significant power over our lives.

Believing these lies can hold us back from living out our life’s purpose.  It can cause depression.  It can cause suicide.  It can cause us to stumble in places where we should be standing tall.  It can cause us to be less than we are meant to be.

So what can we do about it?

First, a few things for those of us that have been an ugly words target, and then we’ll address those of us that might be ugly word offenders:

Surround yourself with people that lift you up.  Choose friends who believe in you, who encourage you, and who make you a better person.  If you surround yourself with haters or naysayers, you’re gonna suffer the consequences.  Although we can’t choose our families, we can place boundaries on any unhealthy relationship.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When we use words or statements of affirmation, we are asserting that what we’re saying exists or is true.  So, for example, the woman who was told she was ugly by her mother, she might repeat the following to herself multiple times every day, “I am God’s handmade and beautiful creation who is worthy of adoration and love.”  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Take the high road.  Don’t spew back ugliness in response to ugliness.  The person hurling ugly words can’t take back what they say and you won’t be able to either.

Seek professional help.  Sometimes the scars are so deep you might need professional help.  Seek out a counselor, pastor, or physician to help you

Take it to God.  I have personally struggled with some pretty tough things for a good bit of my life and it wasn’t until I took it to God a few years ago that I began to see real transformation in my life.  The best thing about this route: there’s no charge, it’s super confidential, and He’s available 24-7!

Be a model of grace.  Your friends, family, co-workers, etc., are watching you.  Always strive to be a good role model.

Now, let’s move along…

Are you an UGLY words offender? 

There are two types of UGLY words offenders.

  1. Those who will read this and call me an ugly name for writing about this. If this is you and you’ve gotten this far in reading this, please keep your mind and your heart open and keep reading.
  2. Those who realize they may have a problem, who oftentimes feel guilty for their behavior, but just don’t know how to stop or fix what they’ve done. Glad you’re here!  I hope these simple suggestions will get you on the road to recovery.

Whether you’re a one-time ugly words offender or you’re a perpetual offender, here are some guidelines for you to consider:

Don’t be afraid to try and repair what you break.  Have you ever seen a beautiful china dish with a crack in it?  The dish didn’t have to be thrown out when it was broken–it was repaired and utilized for its intended purpose–but the crack will still always be visible.  This is the same with people: The scars you’ve caused may still be visible after you say you’re sorry, but you might be able to restore a broken relationship.

Place some boundaries on your tongue.  Do you find it hard to hold back when you have something to say?  Know this: You have the power to reign your own tongue in.  Every time you feel yourself ready to spout off, take 10-20 deep breaths in and out and don’t say what you were going to say.  Just don’t say it at all.  Remember, you can’t take your words back.  If what you need to say is important, then give yourself 24 hours to think about the best way to say it.  Chances are, you will talk yourself out of saying anything if you give yourself a chance to reflect on what you were going to say, how it might affect the recipient.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When you use words or statements of affirmation, you are asserting that what you’re saying exists or is true.  So, if you repeat to yourself throughout the day, “I am loved and I will show love,” over time, you will see a marked change in how you feel about yourself and how you treat others.  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Change is possible.  No matter what anyone told you, change is possible and it’s never too late to begin that change.

So, whether you’ve doled out the stinging words or you’ve received those words, today is a new day and the perfect day to start the restoration process.

I am guessing most of you reading this are adults.  Would you please share this post with the younger people in your life?  There is a serious bullying epidemic among our young people, and it will only get better when we talk about it and bring it out into the light.  Click here to watch an awesome anti-bullying message created by a 14-year-old teen from Texas.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here.

Have a great rest of your day!

Jill xx

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The Benefits of Being a Good Neighbor

We live in a day in which it’s not uncommon to talk on our cell phones as we walk out to get our mail, avoiding eye contact with the lady walking her dog.  A day in which our schedules are so packed we don’t allow for time to sit on our front porches and visit with our neighbors.  A day in which, if asked, we might not know our next door neighbor’s name.

I believe that, now more than ever, it’s important that we are intentional in building and strengthening the relationships with our neighbors.  A strong community benefits us, the individual, the community (our neighbors), and ultimately, society as a whole.

So, what’s the key to being a good neighbor?

I live in an AWESOME neighborhood!  If there were a most congenial and fun neighborhood award, our neighborhood would most likely win it.

Although our neighborhood isn’t perfect, I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my neighbors, a whole cast of characters, on the importance of being neighborly and what that looks like.

The following suggestions may seem obvious, but sometimes the most obvious are the most overlooked.

Trade contact info.  If you don’t have your neighbors’ phone number and email address, then make it a point to trade that information with one another.  Whether you are out of town and need to call on a favor, or you need to let your neighbor know that their dog has busted out of their fence, it’s important to be able to keep in touch.

Our neighborhood has a Google Group email list that is utilized to share news regarding unruly bears, car break-ins, annual picnic or cookie exchange information, etc.  Click here to find out how to set up one for your neighborhood.

Be direct in your hopes and expectations.  My husband and I have an agreement with our neighbors that if our dogs are barking incessantly when we’re not home, that they’ll give us a call so we can remedy the situation.  Maybe your neighbor is gifted in drum playing at 2 a.m. and it’s keeping you up.  Find a way to initiate a friendly conversation to see if there is a way for them to be able to practice and for you to get some sleep.

Be nice.  You may not be best friends with all your neighbors, you may not even like them all.  That’s ok, just smile, say hello or wave when your neighbors pass by.

Show support in good times and bad.  Support comes in all shapes and sizes.  Whether it be through the emotional support through the loss of loved ones, the sharing of wisdom with someone going through financial difficulties, monetarily supporting the neighborhood girl scout’s endeavors, or celebrating the success of a neighbor’s business venture, there are a variety of ways to build and strengthen your community bonds.

Love the unlovable.  Do you have a curmudgeon in your neighborhood?  You know, the one that grumbles and frowns every time you see them.  They’ve probably even called the city on you for leaving your garbage can out for more than one day.

Oftentimes, these type of people are dealing with pain or loneliness that manifests itself into ugly behavior.  One of Jesus’ greatest commandments was to “love our neighbors as ourselves.”  LOVE is a powerful thing.  Try this: next time they grumble, show them love.  Ask them to stop by for a cup of coffee or ask them if they would like to join your bookclub.  If you can figure out a way to cut through their harsh exterior, you will probably find a scarred heart that could use some love balm.

If you haven’t seen the movie St. Vincent, with Bill Murray and Melissa McCarthy, go see it.  It’s great!  It’s about a single mom and her son that move next door to a real curmudgeon.  A surprising and beautiful story of love and redemption unfolds.  (Have your hanky handy for this one!)

Take it out back.  Chuck Brodsky wrote a song called Take it Out Back and the chorus goes like this: “Take it out back…and keep the front yard looking good.”  Plain and simple, don’t make your neighbors have to look at your mess each time they pass your house.  Clean it up and take it out back (or in the basement).  The lyrics are metaphorical in nature as well…meaning don’t air out all your dirty laundry for all your neighbors to see.  Be sensitive to what should be kept private—“out back.”

Watch each other’s back.  If you see someone trying to get into your neighbor’s car or heading around the back of their house with a duffel bag, call the police.  This is also a good time to utilize the phone numbers you traded by giving your neighbors a heads up on what’s taking place.  Maybe the guy turns out to be an innocent “duffel bag salesman,” but it’s better to be safe than sorry.  Our neighborhood uses the Google Group email list to alert each other of these type of shenanigans.  You might want to start an official Neighborhood Watch program as well.  Click here for a checklist from the National Crime Prevention Council on how to start a program in your community.

Lend a helping hand.  If you know someone recently had surgery, offer to bring in their newspaper each morning for a few weeks or cook them a meal.  Maybe you notice a single parent who appears to be completely overwhelmed–an offer to watch the kids while he or she enjoys some free time or runs errands untethered may be just what they need to fill their parental energy tank.  When it snows, send your kids out for some fresh air and to shovel your neighbors’ driveways.

Pay special attention to the elderly, especially those widowed or alone.  My 85-year old widowed stepdad was recently found unconscious and unresponsive in his home by his daughter who hadn’t been able to reach him for a couple days.  He is currently in the hospital recovering, but this type of thing happens every day.  When we develop relationships with our neighbors (some who don’t have family in the area), we might be the one who is there to help in a great time of need.  They say it takes a village to raise a child…we could say the same for some of our elders.

As I write this, it is 28 degrees with snow on the ground.  If it is extra cold or hot for extended periods of time, don’t forget to check on your elderly neighbors…they may need you.

Have fun with your neighbors!  Host a game or movie night.  Start a book club.  Organize an annual summer picnic.  Walk your dogs together.  This is your community!  Enjoy one another!

Tell me about your neighborhood.  Do you have tips to share that would help unite and strengthen the bonds of our neighborhoods?  Please share in the comment section below.

Don’t have a strong neighborhood?  This is your chance to turn that around.  Organize a neighborhood meeting and use this post to get ideas for your neighborhood flowing.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

P.S. Don’t forget to subscribe to my blog today…you’ll be notified of any new posts directly in your inbox.

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Learn the Best Way to Show Your Love

Today’s post is critically important!

I’m posting this on Valentine’s Day because it’s the big LOVE day of the year.  For many, this is a day set aside to shower your special love with romance, so this post will definitely help you, but this post is really intended to help anyone that loves someone and that has someone that loves them.  I hope that includes all of us.

The ideas shared here today will transform the relationships with those you love—spouses, friends, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, roommates, etc.

Ok, think of someone you love…anyone from the list above.  How do you show them you love them? Hugs? Kind words? Gifts?

In general, most of us show our love, depending on the nature of the relationship, in a certain way.  If you’re a hugger, everyone you love is gonna get a hug, right?

Now think about what makes you feel most loved by others.  Hugs? Kind words? Gifts? Time spent together?

Do you realize that how you give and receive love can be different?  You may be a hugger, but when someone gives you a small thoughtful gift, you are over the moon.  This doesn’t mean you don’t love receiving a hug, it just means that there is a more direct, meaningful way in which you are designed to receive love.

Can you see how important it is to discover how those you love best experience and receive love?  You may think you know, but don’t leave that to chance.  I have been wrong on several occasions.

Lucky for us, author Gary Chapman wrote a book called, The Five Love Languages.  In his book, he explains the five “love languages” and teaches us how to express love in our loved one’s language.

Here’s how he breaks the five different languages down:

5 Love LanguagesYou really should get a copy of Dr. Chapman’s book, but here are some insights from me on the five different languages.

Words of Affirmation: “You are so awesome!” “You really look great today!” “I love the way you teach our kids to be kind.” “You are THE BEST cook in the world!”  “You are such a good friend, I’m so glad to know you.” You get where I’m going with this–A simple word of appreciation or praise can go a looooooong way.

Acts of Service:  “Let me help you take those groceries in.”  “Honey, I’m gonna take your car to get the oil changed.”  “Let me pick up your dry cleaning.”  “Son/Daughter, let me help you pick up your room today.”  Hint: You don’t have to tell your loved one what you’re gonna do–surprise them with an act of service: unload the dishwasher, pick up the house, mow the lawn, run an errand for them, clean up their mess without complaint.

Receiving Gifts:  This doesn’t need much explaining—shower your loved one with presents!  It doesn’t have to be big or expensive (well, maybe for some it may be!), you can make something too.  The main idea here is to be thoughtful with your gift.  If someone loves flowers, that may be your go-to gift.  Someone else may appreciate a hand-made card.

Quality Time:  The operative word here is quality.  Spend time together.  That means, put your phone down and give your undivided attention to your loved one.

This is my husband’s love language and it took me forever to figure it out, but one day we spent a big chunk of time in the garden planting and weeding.  Time in the garden for him is heaven, time in the garden, especially weeding, is not exactly my dream afternoon.  I was holding my tongue from complaining–my back hurt, the dang gnats where bugging me, and it was hot!!  Boy, was I glad I kept my mouth shut, because at the end of our gardening time, he told me that our time in the garden was one of the best days he’d had with me.  That was the day I learned his love language: quality time.  It may seem like this was an act of service, but for him, it was just about spending time together, whether we were chatting while pulling weeds or just being in the same space together silently.  I’m going to make up a new love language for him called “Productive Quality Time!”

Physical Touch:  Depending on who the loved one is, this can obviously be different.  With your spouse, this may be intimate touch, but it can also just be holding hands, or putting your arm around their shoulder.  For your child, this could be rubbing their head while you’re watching tv together.  For a friend, this could be a hug or just a touch to their arm when you’re talking to them.

Remember the point here is to speak the language of your loved one…not your own. 

Reread that last sentence—it’s really important.

Many of us will fall back into showing love the way we like to receive love.  Our intentions are good, but when we do this, we are actually spinning our wheels and minimizing the effect of our efforts.

What’s your love language?  Does one of the five jump right out at you?  Not sure?  Take this quick online quiz (click on the area where it says “Discover your love language.”)

Send this post to your loved ones, so they can take the quiz too.  If you are a parent of a younger child, the quiz I linked to will allow you to take the quiz for your child to figure out their language (note: their language will probably change as they get older.)

I really recommend you pick up a copy of the book because it’s a fun read and really dives into what we’ve talked about here.

If you’ve already read the book, today is your chance to revisit this crucial “formula” to building and strengthening the relationships with those you love the most.

Have a wonderful day filled with your kind of love!

Jill xx

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