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Removing Limiting Beliefs From Your Life

There’s a story in the Bible about a man named Moses who, one day, God personally asked to go talk to the leader of Egypt (who, by the way, was not the most friendly fella) and ask him to release His (God’s) people.  These people (some say as many as 2 million) from Israel had been in captivity for 400 years and had become slaves in this country, so chances are this leader was probably not just gonna let them go on their merry way without a fight.

As you can imagine, Moses gave every excuse in the book as to why he shouldn’t/couldn’t do this for God.  I’m sure he was nervous to approach the leader of this country, but Hello!! — the one and only Almighty God was asking him to do this– this wasn’t just some friend asking for a favor!

Fear and insecurity got the best of Moses, so, to help out with that, God showed him some amazing miracles he could perform that would prove God had sent him, in case the leader didn’t believe him.  After all this, Moses, all set for success, pulled out yet another reason why he shouldn’t be the one to perform this task.  Here’s what he said, “O Lord, I’m not very good with words. I never have been, and I’m not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue-tied, and my words get tangled.”  This is where I imagine Moses is getting on God’s very last nerve, but God, in all His grace, decided to let Moses’ brother Aaron go along with him to be his mouthpiece.

The story goes on and it’s a doozy (Moses and Aaron do complete their task, by the way), but what I’d like to point out about this story is what Moses was experiencing that day—a case of limiting beliefs.

Limiting beliefs. 

We all experience them.  Sometimes things we’d like to do just don’t seem possible.  We may have an idea that goes against all logic, so we put it behind us before giving it a fair shot.  We ultimately convince ourselves that we don’t have the capacity to achieve certain things, even though we very well may be able to.

The reason I use Moses as an example here is because if a guy, that the God of the Universe was audibly asking to do something, and telling him He would help him with the task, still couldn’t believe in himself, then we are all certainly bound to experience a limiting belief or two from time to time.

Limiting beliefs dictate how we think, how we feel, and how we behave.  The power they have over our lives can be immensely defeating.

First, let’s take a look at some typical statements that cue limiting beliefs and then we’ll discuss several ways to overcome these beliefs so that each of us is striving to live our fullest potential.

LIMITING BELIEF STATEMENT CUES:

I could never…
I’m not good enough to…
I’m not smart enough to…
I don’t have enough time to…
I shouldn’t…
I’m not skilled enough to…
I wouldn’t know how to start, so…
I don’t have enough money to…
I don’t have a college degree, so…
I don’t deserve to…
I don’t know how to __________, so I can’t…
I’m too old to…
I’m worthless.

Read through those again.  Does one in particular look familiar?  Have you used any of these statements in the past?  Are you using them now?

Let’s take a look at six ways to overcome the limiting beliefs that may be hindering you from reaching your fullest potential.

OVERCOMING LIMITING BELIEFS

Learn from past failures.  Don’t allow past failures to dictate your present or your future.  These failures and mistakes should be used as prime opportunities to learn and grow.  Haven’t you noticed how the biggest lessons you’ve learned in life have come from being on the other side of a bad decision?  The key is to be able to pinpoint what went wrong and how it could be done differently in the future.  Learn, grow, and give yourself a little grace, friends.

Replace negative voices in your head with positive affirmations.  You know these darn voices have a way of creeping in and making you feel “less than,” or even worse, “less-than less than.”  Because these are involuntary voices, we not only want to be reactive (say something affirming to yourself the second the voice pops up), but we should be proactive as well, by stating positive affirmations every day, regardless of how you’re feeling that day.

Another approach could be to ask a question directed at the negative voice.  For example, let’s say my inner-voice said, “You are terrible at writing!  Who would want to read what you have to say??”  I could come back with the following question for myself: “Have I ever helped anyone with the content on my blog?”  My answer would be “yes,” so that helps to shoot down or point out the lie the negative voice is projecting.
NOTE:  I wrote an article titled, “How to Stop Your Negative Self Talk From Bullying You.” In it, I discuss the impact of negative self-talk and four specific ways to overcome your own voice when it bullys you — click here to read.

Let go of the naysayers in your life.  You probably have someone that comes to mind immediately, as you read this.  There are people who have a tendency to either suck the life out of you or see everything through a negative lens.  I firmly believe you should cut out or at least substantially minimize your interactions with these type of people.  If you don’t, they’ll weigh you down and limit your potential for positive growth.       

Invite emotionally healthy people in your life.  As some relationships fall away, others will blossom and grow.  Jim Rohn always said, “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Makes sense doesn’t it?  Who do you spend time with?  Who are the top “influencers” in your life?  When we surround ourselves with people we respect and admire, they’re bound to rub off on us, right?  Yes, they will, and hopefully you’ll rub off on them too. : )  Iron sharpens iron, friends!

Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone.  It’s when we step out of our comfort zone that we are able to experience real growth.  It doesn’t have to be a HUGE step either—small steps allow us to ease into new things without fear taking hold and throwing us back.

Obviously, you don’t want to live in a constant state of being outside your comfort zone—there is much good that takes place in the comfy zone too!  Find a good balance and think about the steps you take as adventures and growth opportunities.

Practice gratitude verbally or in written form every single day.  Expressing gratitude is associated with greater happiness, and when you make it a daily habit, the benefits are 100-fold!  Whether you write three things down each day in a journal or you say them out loud, your perspective on life will change.  You’ll become aware of the little things in life that we oftentimes take for granted, and by becoming aware of these things, you will experience more joy in your life.

I urge you to take steps today to begin the work of overcoming the limiting beliefs in your life.  Don’t let the “I don’t have time” belief take you away from this!  You deserve better.

As always, I appreciate you hanging out with me today.

Jill xx

P.S.  If you’ve found this post helpful, would you please share with those you care about?

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The Definition of Success – A 10 Year Old’s Perspective

Today, I’ve got a real treat for you!

Recently, my 10-year old niece, Lauren, was visiting from Texas and she asked me if we could “do a blog.”  She had seen that I’ve done some video blogs, and because the kids today are all about watching YouTube videos, she thought it would be fun.

I asked her what she was interesting in doing and she said that she’d like to do a video talking about animals and nature.  I explained to her, while I love talking about those things, the people that read my blog might be more interested in hearing about her perspective on some of the big questions that grown-ups ponder.

You know, the BIG questions, like: What is the meaning of life? What is success? How do you find your life’s purpose?

I explained to her that sometimes grown-ups can over-complicate things, and it would be good to hear a kid’s unadulterated perspective on these subjects.

Well, Lauren thought this would be great, so she and I worked on a list of questions and she chose this one: What is the definition of success and what does it mean to you? Read more

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3 Steps to Cultivate and Grow Your Relationships

“Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden.   Time, effort and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” – Jim Rohn

I love this quote!  The words Mr. Rohn uses have such vivid imagery: cultivated…imagination…summoned…flourishing…growing.  He points out that human relationships, just like a garden, require time, effort, and imagination to flourish and grow, but did you notice these two words (their significance slipped past me when I first read the quote):  summoned and constantly?  That means the actions we take in our relationships are not a one-time thing–we must be intentional and diligent when it comes to the tending of our relationships–the time, effort and imagination must be summoned constantly.

If you’ve ever had a garden, you know the amount of work it takes to plan, plant, maintain, and harvest it.

Friends, if we don’t pay close attention to our relational “gardens,” the weeds will take hold and choke out the potential for beauty and bounty.

Do you have weeds threatening to take over your “garden”?  Have the weeds infiltrated the relationships with your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends?

The good news is that, today, each of us has an opportunity and the ability to get in our “gardens,” get the weeds out, and let the flourishing begin!

Let’s take Mr. Rohn’s lead and break it down in three parts: Time, Imagination, and Effort.

Time:  Relationships require time to develop, grow, and thrive.  Regardless of who we are, or what we do, we all have exactly 168 hours in each week.  Every single one of us is able to carve out time to devote to our relationships.

If you’re reading this and tensing up right now because you can’t imagine where you’ll find any extra time to do anything else, then I suggest you make a list of all that you do and see what really needs your attention and what you can get rid of or move around in order to make room for something as important as a relationship with someone you love.

In years past, I was the “volunteer queen,” doing a little bit of everything for everyone that asked.  Guess what suffered?  My relationship with my husband.  Because he’s not much of a squeaky wheel, I had to mostly figure this out on my own, but am I ever thankful I did!  My stumbling block was that because I was “doing good” and helping people, I thought that those things needed to take top priority in my schedule.  This isn’t true.  I learned the importance of protecting and cultivating our most important relationships, and by doing so, everything else will fall into place, including “doing good.”  I still find time to volunteer, but I’m careful to be realistic with the time I have available, and I use the word “no” more often so I don’t overcommit.

Imagination:  This is the fun part!  Use your imagination and think outside the box for ways to cultivate and enrich your relationships.

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, writes of the importance of discovering the “love language” of those you are in relationship with (spouse, kids, friends, parents) in order to express your love most effectively.  Believe me, figuring this out will be a huge benefit for your relationships.  Click here to read an article I wrote on this topic – in it I share how I discovered my husband’s love language – it goes along with our gardening theme today!

Once you understand the love language of those you are in relationship with it will help direct your thinking so that you can let your imagination go wild and come up with some fun ideas to express your love!  This is important, because one person might feel loved when you spend time working on a home project with them, another may prefer to be showered in gifts, and another may just want to hold your hand while you stroll through a park.

Effort:  Yes, even the best relationships take effort to develop and maintain.  Depending on the type of relationship and what’s going on in that relationship at the time, this might mean you’ve got some hard work ahead of you.  If that’s the case, just take it one day at a time, keep your head up and before you know it, you’ll be able to look back and see all the progress you’ve made.

On the other hand, there are times when the fruits of your imagination require effort that is fun and exciting.  Enjoy the process!

That’s it!  Time, imagination and effort = flourishing relationships.

Now, let’s put what we’ve talked about to use.  Before you move on to the next part of your day:  1. Pick one person you’d like to cultivate the relationship of, 2. Figure out their love language, 3. Schedule something that will benefit your relationship, 3. Repeat over time, 4. Enjoy the fruits of your “labor!”

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today!  If you found value in this post, please make sure to share it with others.

Here’s to your relationships growing and flourishing!

Jill xx

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Journaling…The Benefits, Methods and Ideas

Dear Diary,

I’m feeling a little blue today.  I don’t know why, but maybe the lack of sunshine has something to do with it, or maybe it’s my sister!  We got in a fight today.  She can be sooo emotional and rude!!  I wish she’d move to Timbuktu.  Later today I’m going to the mall with Beth and Maryanne.  I hope I have a good time!  I’ve saved up $14 and I’m going to the pet store to see if I can get a turtle.  Mom’s calling…gotta go…   

If you’re female, this journal entry probably looks, or at least sounds, familiar.  I made this particular entry up, but I remember as a child the power of being able to write all your “young-self” thoughts and dreams down in a pretty little journal—mine, equipped with its own lock and key!

It’s been a few decades since I wrote in my first journal and over the years journaling has come in and out of my life.  Today, I have three different journals that I write in–a writing journal that I mind-map my ideas for future blog posts, a daily gratitude and goal journal, and a prayer journal.

No matter your age or gender, the process of journal writing can be very beneficial.  So much so, that I’m going to share with you the top five benefits of journaling, a wide variety of topics to journal on, and I’ll discuss physical and online tools for journaling and the importance of your journaling environment.

Let’s get started!

FIVE WAYS JOURNALING WILL BENEFIT YOU

Protect Your Sanity and Your Relationships.  Journaling can be like having your own built-in therapist.  There are times when it’s more productive and ultimately healthier for you to dump your unfiltered thoughts out on a page in your journal rather than dumping those thoughts out on your spouse, your friend, or your colleague.  Don’t you hate it when something comes out of your mouth that later you wish you could take back, but by then, the damage is done?  Some things are definitely better left unsaid, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try and work through those emotions with pen and paper.

Processing.  As I mentioned earlier, I use a journal to mind-map my writing ideas.  This has proven to be a fantastic way for me to creatively process and brainstorm ideas in a way that “just thinking” about them doesn’t.

On the other hand, processing may come in the form of working through emotional stuff that’s going on in your life, like I mentioned in the first benefit above.  Processing will generally bring clarity and a fresh perspective.

Hindsight is 20/20.  We can learn much from past experiences—good and bad.  This is of particular benefit when you use a “project” journal (more on this later).  When you journal through a project you will later be able to see what worked and where things may have gone wrong.  The details will usually appear more clearly when you’ve taken a few steps away from the actual experience.

This 20/20 hindsight vision can also be an awareness tool for unhealthy patterns that come up in our relationships.  For example, if you are in an unhappy or abusive relationship and you take a look back over your last year of journaling and see that you didn’t have one good day, then that written reminder may give you the strength and courage to get help or leave the relationship.

Time Capsule.  Your journals are a snapshot of times gone by.  Even if you have an excellent memory, you will never be able to remember all that you capture in your journals.  Whether you’re looking back to see how far you’ve come on a personal or professional level, or to remember the details of a trip you took years ago, a journal is an excellent way to preserve your thoughts, life’s milestones, and memories.  Journals can also be precious pieces of history to pass down to your children or other family members.  We’ll discuss privacy concerns later.

Deepening of Faith.  I have a friend that writes to God in her journal every day.  Getting things out of your head and heart and out on paper is a cathartic exercise and this type of daily communication to God has enriched her faith life profoundly.  She inspired me to start my own prayer journal, and although I am not as consistent as she is, I too, find this process enjoyable and rewarding.

NOT SURE WHAT TO JOURNAL ABOUT?
10 Ideas to Get You Started Today…

Personal Journal.  This is probably the type of journaling that most people think about when they hear the word journaling.  This style of journaling is a great way to pour your heart out and process through things going on in your life.  If necessary, keep your journal under lock and key.  I have a friend who keeps his personal journals in a small locked safe in his house.  His family has been instructed to get rid of the journals if he dies before them.  Not that there’s anything bad in them, it just gives him a sense of peace when he’s writing that he can be totally authentic and not worry about someone reading what he writes.  (Make sure to read about Journal Privacy rules below.)

Travel Journal.  You won’t regret journaling during your travels.  Not only will this type of journal serve as a memories scrapbook, but you can always go back and retrieve information for future visits or to share with others traveling to the same area.  Make sure to include favorite restaurants, hikes, monuments, hotels or B&Bs, bookstores, etc. in your journal.

Food or Dinner Party Journal.  Years ago, my mom used to keep a journal of dinner party details–who was there, what she served, and notes that might be helpful for next time those same guests came again.  This type of journal would be great for passing down to your kids too.  I don’t know where my mom’s journal went, but I’d sure love to have it.

Gratitude Journal.  Life is good when you consistently express your gratitude.  As I mentioned earlier, I have one journal that I jot down a few things I’m grateful for every day.  A gratitude journal is fun to look back at over the years, because you’ll see times when you were obviously struggling to find things to be grateful for and other times when you write ten items down instead of your typical three.

Writing Journal.  I love my writing journal!  I mind-map most of my blog post ideas in this journal.  This process allows me to brain dump everything out on a page without worrying about editing.  Click here to see an article I wrote titled, “Mind Mapping: Who Should Use it And Why.”

I generally carry my writing journal around with me too.  I don’t know how many times I’ve thought of a great idea to write about and if I don’t have my journal handy, I just hope that I’ll remember it when I get back home.  Nine times out of ten, I forget!  Sometimes I’ll just write one word or phrase down in the middle of a page and come back to mind-map it later.

Project Journal.  Whether it’s a home, work, volunteer project, or something in between, a project journal is a great place to store your ideas, plans, shopping lists, purchase information, etc.  Just like with a travel journal, you can go back to your project journal years later to remind yourself of that specific paint color you used or where you purchased that special lamp the dog just knocked over and broke into 22 pieces.

Goal Tracking Journal.  This is a great tool for personal and professional goal tracking.  I incorporate both gratitude and goal tracking in one of my journals.

Memories of Your Children or Grandchildren’s Lives.  My mother-in-law kept a journal for 12 years with notes from her famous “Grandma’s Summer Camp” that our son attended at her house one week every summer.  She has also keeps a separate journal for each of her grandchildren, full of special memories and thoughts specific to each grandchild.

If I could go back in time, I would have started a journal like this for our son when he was born.  Even if it only included the silly little things only parents care about or “kids say the darndest things” type quotes.  Think about doing this if you have young ones.

Prayer Journal.  Talk to God.  Thank him for your blessings and tell him what’s on your heart.  I have a feeling that more people start these types of journals in times of desperation, and that is good, but if you use this type of journal in the good times too, your relationship with God will have a chance to develop on the mountaintops as well as in the valleys.

Drawing journal.  Maybe you’d rather doodle than write words.  Doodle away, my friends!  Studies have shown that doodling helps improve memory, focus, and brain function.  Doodling is a good way to express feelings too…get those creative juices flowing and see where your doodling takes you.

METHODS OF JOURNALING
There are lots of options when it comes to journaling, from using a regular notebook to a fancy leather bound journal, to capturing your thoughts via an online tool.  Following are some options to consider.

Good ol’ pen and paper.  Check out your local stationery, book, or gift store for a good journal selection.  You can also search online (Google it) to find some unique journals.

Don’t do this: I used to get so caught up in finding the right journal, that I would delay the whole journaling process until I found just the right one.  This is fine if it takes a day or two, but I would go months without finding the right journal!  Trust me on this, just grab a notebook and get started.  If you really want to keep it in a fancy journal you can glue or tape the notebook pages in later when you find the perfect one.

Online Options:
Penzu:  This is the best online journal tool I have found in regards to functionality and design.  It is super user friendly, private and secure, you can add in photos, and they will even email you a daily reminder to write.  I like that it looks like you are actually writing on lined notepaper too!  They have both a free and paid version.  Click here to check it out.

The 5-Minute Journal:  I’ve heard great things about this journal in its traditional book format and now they have an app for less than $5 that backs up your journal entries to your iCloud account.  This journal has five daily writing prompts, and for those that are time pressed, it only takes five minutes per day.  Click here to check it out.

Evernote:  I love Evernote!  Although I’ve never used it specifically for journaling, I would use it if I ever switched from my preferred pen and paper method of journaling.  Evernote appears to have all the same bells and whistles that Penzu does, but you aren’t typing into what looks like lined notebook paper.  Evernote also has both a free and paid version.  Click here to check it out.

Microsoft Word:  A word processing option for not only your home computer but for your mobile devices as well.  Microsoft now has a Cloud storage option so you can access your data anywhere.  Click here to check it out.  If you are a Mac user, click here for info on Pages.

Google Docs:  Another word processing tool similar to Microsoft Word, but it’s online and it’s free.  Accessible on your PC and mobile devices.  Click here to check it out.

FINDING THAT SPECIAL PLACE TO JOURNAL

My environment is super important to me, especially when writing.  Obviously, you can journal most anywhere or anytime, but if you’re able to set aside a special place and specific time each day to journal, you are more likely to get it done and it makes the process more enjoyable.

You might like a cozy, quiet spot to have a hot cup of tea while you journal, while others may prefer a busy coffee shop setting.  However or wherever you do it, the most important thing is to block out time to do it.

JOURNAL PRIVACY…A final word

Don’t EVER read or share someone else’s journal unless you’re invited to.  Please respect the privacy of others.  We really shouldn’t have to use our lock and keys.
There are only two exceptions that I can think of to this important rule:
1.  The journal needs to be used as court evidence for a crime committed.
2.  Someone goes missing or dies and you expect foul play.

I’d love to hear from you.  Do you journal?  What’s your preferred method–are you an old-school pen and paper type or do you prefer online?  Is your environment an important part of your journaling experience?  How often do you journal?  Please share in the comments section below.

As always, I appreciate you spending time here with me today.

Happy journaling!

Jill xx

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Letter to a Graduate

In honor of what is graduation weekend for many, I present to you a letter my husband wrote to his best friend’s son (I did have to bribe him in order to share with the inter-webs!). This is a departure from my regular blog writing, but I thought you might enjoy reading this in light of the graduates in your life.

Here’s to NEW beginnings for our bright, young graduates!

Letter to a Graduate: 
Graduation Letter to Nate 2015

Graduation Letter to Nate 2015 page 2

Download a PDF if that’s easier for you to read, by clicking here.

Here are the extractions from the “vault of meaning” mentioned in the letter: Read more

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When Quitting is a Decision That Will Enrich Your Life

I used to think that quitting was for losers—unless you were quitting heroin, of course!

The inspirational quotes that populate Pinterest and our Facebook pages urge us to “Never Give Up!”  I’m all for these types of mottos, but not when you find yourself staying in the game for the wrong reasons.  In some situations, “never giving up” can be an absolute exercise in futility.

I know several people, and I’m sure you do too, that are experiencing some pretty serious levels of unhappiness in their life.

Maybe it’s a job with a horrendous boss, a project that’s sucking the life and creativity out of them, or a relationship that’s draining or abusive.

In these situations, quitting—or withdrawing one’s self from a situation—can be one of the wisest, most freeing, and empowering decisions of your life.

The bad news is that oftentimes the choice to quit can be harder and scarier than the alternative.

The good news is that, in most situations, we hold the key to the prison we find ourselves in, and our sentences are determined by our action or inaction.

If you’re in a situation where you’re trying to gain clarity on whether to withdraw from a situation or a relationship, consider the following sections below:
1. Common obstacles to quitting
2. Reasons why it may be time to quit
3. Help in the decision making process

Common Obstacles to Quitting:

  • Fear. This emotion can paralyze you, but there are ways to overcome fear.
  • Because you’ve been told you can’t do it. Don’t listen to the haters—they don’t have your best interest at heart.
  • Just because it’s hard. Hard does not equal impossible.  Keep your head up and use your resources.
  • Because progress is slow. A lot of good things take time.  Patience is a virtue.
  • Laziness. Being a couch potato is a poor excuse to quit!  If this is you, it’s time to turn up the Rocky music and get going—You Can Do It!

Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s take a look at some reasons where you can benefit from quitting or removing yourself from a situation.

It May Be Quittin’ Time When:

  • You’ve given it a fair shot and it’s not what you expected or what you want in your life.
  • You’d like to venture into other opportunities and need to let something go in order to make room for something new.
  • You’re stressing more about the work, projects, or relationships in your life than you are loving your life.
  • You are in physical or emotional danger.

Help in Making a Decision:

  • Talk to friends, mentors, and counselors.
  • Write a pros and cons list.
  • Work through your scenario in mind mapping style! I’ll show you how here.
  • Pray for wisdom and direction.

Once you’ve thought it all through, and you decide it’s in your best interest to quit or remove yourself from a situation, try your best to exit with grace and fairness.

Blessings to you!

Jill xx

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Combat Fear and Shame by Sharing Your Story

Last week I talked about the lessons I’ve learned after recently reading my mom’s autopsy report.  I have received countless messages, mostly private, from people telling me that reading that post really struck a chord with them—many could relate directly to the problem with alcoholism in families, others could relate because they have been or are going through some other sort of trauma in their lives.

Many people told me that by reading my story, it helped them to see their own situation in a different light and encouraged them in a profound way.

This is exactly why I write this blog…to share stories, ideas, and perspectives that will impact and improve our lives—whether it be related to goal setting, overcoming obstacles, finding the extraordinary in the ordinary, or about opening up about a difficult time in your life, like I did with last week’s post.

My goal today is to encourage you to think about sharing your story.

If the idea of sharing scares you, remember that there’s not a “sharing formula” you must follow.  You don’t have to write about it like I did in a blog, you just need to move forward…take the first step.

Maybe you’ll choose to share with a friend or a counselor, confide in a support group, write in a private journal, or maybe you’ll be the one to share your story in a memoir for the whole world to see.

If sharing were always easy, I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?  Let’s talk about a few of the obstacles we face in sharing our stories and then finish up with some reasons that support the importance of sharing:

REASONS YOU MIGHT CHOOSE NOT TO SHARE YOUR STORY: 

Fear.  You were not created to live in a state of fear.  Fear is like a bully who holds you captive, preventing you from reaching your full potential.  A key to overcoming fear is to name it, so you can deal with it.  Answer this question: Why are you scared to tell your story?  Embarrassment?  Shame?  Being ostracized?  Once you name your fear, you can begin breaking down the reasons for it and addressing how you will overcome it.
Shame.  Dr. Brene Brown has studied shame for many years and offers the following counsel: “Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.” She gives these three points to combat shame: 1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  2. Reach out to someone you trust.  3.  Tell your story.
Timing.  Don’t rush things.  What I shared last week took 11 years for me to be able to share to the degree that I did.  There are other chapters in my story that I’m actively working through—parts that I may share in the future, or may not.  It’s important for each of us to use discernment and to allow the right timing to unfold.

REASONS YOU SHOULD SHARE YOUR STORY:

Bring Light to the Darkness.  Have you ever woken in fear from a nightmare and as soon as you switched on the light, you felt better?  It works the same with real-life nightmares.  When we tuck things away in the dark, we allow them to haunt us.  Darkness is fertile ground for breeding fear and shame.
Healing.  Sharing you story can bring tremendous healing, both physically and mentally, to yourself and to others.
Sharing is Caring.  Sharing is both an act of self-care (healing) and altruism.  When you share you have the ability to make a positive impact in someone else’s life.  Don’t be stingy with the blessing you are meant to be. : )

Whether I’m fortunate enough to witness your story sharing or not, I thank you in advance for being courageous.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.  Please share this post with someone you care about.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Lessons Learned: Perspective from an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

I received a package in the mail this week that contained my mother’s autopsy report.  She died 11 years ago, but some of her things were sent to me recently after my step-dad passed away.  My mom’s death certificate, which I had a copy of, listed her immediate cause of death as “complications due to alcohol use”.  Until now, I’d never laid eyes on the actual autopsy report.

I didn’t know it back then, but I wasn’t ready to read this report, full of detail, 11 years ago.  I was too close to my loss and too wrapped up in the pain of my circumstances.  Reading it at that time would have been like pouring alcohol into an open wound.

Reading the narrative from the medical examiner’s office this week was not pleasant–I felt nauseous and I sat and cried for a while.  But, you know what I realized?  It didn’t feel like a Band-Aid being ripped off an exposed wound.  It just felt like I was reading a sad chapter in my mom’s life…in my life.

The lens in which I view that part of my life is different now, it’s more focused—in a good way.

These last 11 years have taught me plenty, but these two quotes beautifully sum up what I know to be true today.

“Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” –Unknown Author Read more

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The Benefits of Being a Good Neighbor

We live in a day in which it’s not uncommon to talk on our cell phones as we walk out to get our mail, avoiding eye contact with the lady walking her dog.  A day in which our schedules are so packed we don’t allow for time to sit on our front porches and visit with our neighbors.  A day in which, if asked, we might not know our next door neighbor’s name.

I believe that, now more than ever, it’s important that we are intentional in building and strengthening the relationships with our neighbors.  A strong community benefits us, the individual, the community (our neighbors), and ultimately, society as a whole.

So, what’s the key to being a good neighbor?

I live in an AWESOME neighborhood!  If there were a most congenial and fun neighborhood award, our neighborhood would most likely win it.

Although our neighborhood isn’t perfect, I’ve learned some valuable lessons from my neighbors, a whole cast of characters, on the importance of being neighborly and what that looks like.

The following suggestions may seem obvious, but sometimes the most obvious are the most overlooked.

Trade contact info.  If you don’t have your neighbors’ phone number and email address, then make it a point to trade that information with one another.  Whether you are out of town and need to call on a favor, or you need to let your neighbor know that their dog has busted out of their fence, it’s important to be able to keep in touch.

Our neighborhood has a Google Group email list that is utilized to share news regarding unruly bears, car break-ins, annual picnic or cookie exchange information, etc.  Click here to find out how to set up one for your neighborhood.

Be direct in your hopes and expectations.  My husband and I have an agreement with our neighbors that if our dogs are barking incessantly when we’re not home, that they’ll give us a call so we can remedy the situation.  Maybe your neighbor is gifted in drum playing at 2 a.m. and it’s keeping you up.  Find a way to initiate a friendly conversation to see if there is a way for them to be able to practice and for you to get some sleep.

Be nice.  You may not be best friends with all your neighbors, you may not even like them all.  That’s ok, just smile, say hello or wave when your neighbors pass by.

Show support in good times and bad.  Support comes in all shapes and sizes.  Whether it be through the emotional support through the loss of loved ones, the sharing of wisdom with someone going through financial difficulties, monetarily supporting the neighborhood girl scout’s endeavors, or celebrating the success of a neighbor’s business venture, there are a variety of ways to build and strengthen your community bonds.

Love the unlovable.  Do you have a curmudgeon in your neighborhood?  You know, the one that grumbles and frowns every time you see them.  They’ve probably even called the city on you for leaving your garbage can out for more than one day.

Oftentimes, these type of people are dealing with pain or loneliness that manifests itself into ugly behavior.  One of Jesus’ greatest commandments was to “love our neighbors as ourselves.”  LOVE is a powerful thing.  Try this: next time they grumble, show them love.  Ask them to stop by for a cup of coffee or ask them if they would like to join your bookclub.  If you can figure out a way to cut through their harsh exterior, you will probably find a scarred heart that could use some love balm.

If you haven’t seen the movie St. Vincent, with Bill Murray and Melissa McCarthy, go see it.  It’s great!  It’s about a single mom and her son that move next door to a real curmudgeon.  A surprising and beautiful story of love and redemption unfolds.  (Have your hanky handy for this one!)

Take it out back.  Chuck Brodsky wrote a song called Take it Out Back and the chorus goes like this: “Take it out back…and keep the front yard looking good.”  Plain and simple, don’t make your neighbors have to look at your mess each time they pass your house.  Clean it up and take it out back (or in the basement).  The lyrics are metaphorical in nature as well…meaning don’t air out all your dirty laundry for all your neighbors to see.  Be sensitive to what should be kept private—“out back.”

Watch each other’s back.  If you see someone trying to get into your neighbor’s car or heading around the back of their house with a duffel bag, call the police.  This is also a good time to utilize the phone numbers you traded by giving your neighbors a heads up on what’s taking place.  Maybe the guy turns out to be an innocent “duffel bag salesman,” but it’s better to be safe than sorry.  Our neighborhood uses the Google Group email list to alert each other of these type of shenanigans.  You might want to start an official Neighborhood Watch program as well.  Click here for a checklist from the National Crime Prevention Council on how to start a program in your community.

Lend a helping hand.  If you know someone recently had surgery, offer to bring in their newspaper each morning for a few weeks or cook them a meal.  Maybe you notice a single parent who appears to be completely overwhelmed–an offer to watch the kids while he or she enjoys some free time or runs errands untethered may be just what they need to fill their parental energy tank.  When it snows, send your kids out for some fresh air and to shovel your neighbors’ driveways.

Pay special attention to the elderly, especially those widowed or alone.  My 85-year old widowed stepdad was recently found unconscious and unresponsive in his home by his daughter who hadn’t been able to reach him for a couple days.  He is currently in the hospital recovering, but this type of thing happens every day.  When we develop relationships with our neighbors (some who don’t have family in the area), we might be the one who is there to help in a great time of need.  They say it takes a village to raise a child…we could say the same for some of our elders.

As I write this, it is 28 degrees with snow on the ground.  If it is extra cold or hot for extended periods of time, don’t forget to check on your elderly neighbors…they may need you.

Have fun with your neighbors!  Host a game or movie night.  Start a book club.  Organize an annual summer picnic.  Walk your dogs together.  This is your community!  Enjoy one another!

Tell me about your neighborhood.  Do you have tips to share that would help unite and strengthen the bonds of our neighborhoods?  Please share in the comment section below.

Don’t have a strong neighborhood?  This is your chance to turn that around.  Organize a neighborhood meeting and use this post to get ideas for your neighborhood flowing.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Learn the Best Way to Show Your Love

Today’s post is critically important!

I’m posting this on Valentine’s Day because it’s the big LOVE day of the year.  For many, this is a day set aside to shower your special love with romance, so this post will definitely help you, but this post is really intended to help anyone that loves someone and that has someone that loves them.  I hope that includes all of us.

The ideas shared here today will transform the relationships with those you love—spouses, friends, children, parents, siblings, co-workers, neighbors, roommates, etc.

Ok, think of someone you love…anyone from the list above.  How do you show them you love them? Hugs? Kind words? Gifts?

In general, most of us show our love, depending on the nature of the relationship, in a certain way.  If you’re a hugger, everyone you love is gonna get a hug, right?

Now think about what makes you feel most loved by others.  Hugs? Kind words? Gifts? Time spent together?

Do you realize that how you give and receive love can be different?  You may be a hugger, but when someone gives you a small thoughtful gift, you are over the moon.  This doesn’t mean you don’t love receiving a hug, it just means that there is a more direct, meaningful way in which you are designed to receive love.

Can you see how important it is to discover how those you love best experience and receive love?  You may think you know, but don’t leave that to chance.  I have been wrong on several occasions.

Lucky for us, author Gary Chapman wrote a book called, The Five Love Languages.  In his book, he explains the five “love languages” and teaches us how to express love in our loved one’s language.

Here’s how he breaks the five different languages down:

5 Love LanguagesYou really should get a copy of Dr. Chapman’s book, but here are some insights from me on the five different languages.

Words of Affirmation: “You are so awesome!” “You really look great today!” “I love the way you teach our kids to be kind.” “You are THE BEST cook in the world!”  “You are such a good friend, I’m so glad to know you.” You get where I’m going with this–A simple word of appreciation or praise can go a looooooong way.

Acts of Service:  “Let me help you take those groceries in.”  “Honey, I’m gonna take your car to get the oil changed.”  “Let me pick up your dry cleaning.”  “Son/Daughter, let me help you pick up your room today.”  Hint: You don’t have to tell your loved one what you’re gonna do–surprise them with an act of service: unload the dishwasher, pick up the house, mow the lawn, run an errand for them, clean up their mess without complaint.

Receiving Gifts:  This doesn’t need much explaining—shower your loved one with presents!  It doesn’t have to be big or expensive (well, maybe for some it may be!), you can make something too.  The main idea here is to be thoughtful with your gift.  If someone loves flowers, that may be your go-to gift.  Someone else may appreciate a hand-made card.

Quality Time:  The operative word here is quality.  Spend time together.  That means, put your phone down and give your undivided attention to your loved one.

This is my husband’s love language and it took me forever to figure it out, but one day we spent a big chunk of time in the garden planting and weeding.  Time in the garden for him is heaven, time in the garden, especially weeding, is not exactly my dream afternoon.  I was holding my tongue from complaining–my back hurt, the dang gnats where bugging me, and it was hot!!  Boy, was I glad I kept my mouth shut, because at the end of our gardening time, he told me that our time in the garden was one of the best days he’d had with me.  That was the day I learned his love language: quality time.  It may seem like this was an act of service, but for him, it was just about spending time together, whether we were chatting while pulling weeds or just being in the same space together silently.  I’m going to make up a new love language for him called “Productive Quality Time!”

Physical Touch:  Depending on who the loved one is, this can obviously be different.  With your spouse, this may be intimate touch, but it can also just be holding hands, or putting your arm around their shoulder.  For your child, this could be rubbing their head while you’re watching tv together.  For a friend, this could be a hug or just a touch to their arm when you’re talking to them.

Remember the point here is to speak the language of your loved one…not your own. 

Reread that last sentence—it’s really important.

Many of us will fall back into showing love the way we like to receive love.  Our intentions are good, but when we do this, we are actually spinning our wheels and minimizing the effect of our efforts.

What’s your love language?  Does one of the five jump right out at you?  Not sure?  Take this quick online quiz (click on the area where it says “Discover your love language.”)

Send this post to your loved ones, so they can take the quiz too.  If you are a parent of a younger child, the quiz I linked to will allow you to take the quiz for your child to figure out their language (note: their language will probably change as they get older.)

I really recommend you pick up a copy of the book because it’s a fun read and really dives into what we’ve talked about here.

If you’ve already read the book, today is your chance to revisit this crucial “formula” to building and strengthening the relationships with those you love the most.

Have a wonderful day filled with your kind of love!

Jill xx

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