Surviving the Holidays Despite Family Drama

Have you noticed that there is often much grunting and groaning going on as people talk about their holiday plans with family?

Now for those millions of you that have a perfect family (or so Facebook tells us), you can just pray for those that experience a bit of family drama over the holidays!  : )

Here’s a sampling of paraphrased statements I’ve heard over the years:

“The last thing I want to do is sit at the table with Uncle Jerry as he gets drunk and starts telling all my mom’s secrets!”

“Why do we have to feel so split?!  We have to go to my parents’ house first and then load everyone up and go to my dad’s house.  Why do we have to stick with a stupid tradition when it’s so hard on our family?!”

“Our family is falling apart.  Why must we get together with our fake smiles on and try and pretend it’s not?!”

“My mother insists in helping me out in the kitchen, but I can’t do ANYTHING right!!  Why do I even bother?!  Oh, yeah, because it’s MY house and MY kitchen!” 

“My grandma will not let up on when I’m going to ‘supply’ her with another great-grandchild!  Seriously, she won’t stop!!!!” 

“With my family, it’s all about who can outdo the other in giving gifts!  I feel like we sit around being greedy and feeding our selfish interests.  It’s sickening!

I’m sure some of you could add a few choice phrases to this list, too

They read kind of funny here, but when it’s happening to you, it’s not so funny, is it?

The holidays should be a wonderful opportunity to gather with those you love, celebrate the reason for gathering, and create sweet memories.

The sad truth is, many families, this time of year, experience stress instead of times of joy.

Friends, we can only control what we can control, and that is: how we react to situations.

Here are four tips to surviving the holidays and actually coming away with some good memories:

Set healthy boundaries.  This is key!  Decide where you will go and how much time you will spend there, and stick with your plan.  Whether you’re attending a holiday party or going to your parent’s house for Christmas dinner, agree on a plan, stick with it, and don’t feel guilty or feel the need to explain the boundaries you have set to anyone else.

Take the high road/Bite your tongue/Pick your battles.  I was going to write about these three separately, but really they go together, don’t they?  I know that when someone says or does something that riles me up, the next words out of my mouth may not be the most gracious and tender, so besides practicing deep breathing and taking the family dog for multiple “therapy walks” during your family gathering, try this:  Anticipate possible “situations” that may arise and spend some time thinking about how you can: 1. Stay away from certain topics (politics and religion to name a couple!), 2. Refrain from commenting on conversations that will only bring about division or get you nowhere, and 3. Strategically move a conversation/situation in a healthy direction.

Extend love and grace.  At any given point, most of us are struggling with something inside that may manifest itself in an ugly way.If you remind yourself that someone may be acting like a jerk because they’re missing a loved one, they’re struggling with an addiction, or they’re unhappy because of their crappy job, it gives you a whole different perspective.  This does not mean you are deeming their behavior as acceptable, but if you can view it in this light, you will be able to extend love and grace in an authentic way, which may turn their behavior around altogether.  Try it!  Even if it doesn’t change anyone’s behavior, you’ll feel better about how you responded.

Remember the things you are most grateful for.  So, if you find yourself sitting at the table with your drunk Uncle Larry spouting off, tune him out and turn to this gratitude practice:  Look around the room and begin compiling an internal list of things you’re grateful for.  Who knows, you may even be able to feel grateful that Uncle Larry didn’t monopolize the ENTIRE evening this year–only part of it.  This may feel like you’re grasping for straws, but trust me, it truly helps.  An attitude of gratitude changes everything!

And last, but not least, if all else fails, become a permanent fixture at the kid’s table and ignore the drama that ensues around you!

Here’s to creating beautiful memories (even if they resemble a page out of the Griswold family photo album) and remembering that we can only control what we can control…our reactions.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.

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Jill xx