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Mother’s Day

A friend asked me yesterday if Mother’s Day was a sad or hard time for me since I lost my mom (she was only 59 and died of alcoholism).  I thought I’d share my thoughts on this, since I know there are others out there who’ve lost their mama’s, too, and can probably relate to some degree. IMG_0331

Yes, the day with its big obvious name and all, has a tendency to make me sad when I think about my loss.  My thoughts oscillate between romantic thoughts of what could have been, to what should have been, to what never would have been, to a question I’ve asked God so many times, “Why?!”.  My heart also aches thinking about the emotional and physical pain my mom must have experienced…enough to lose her life to addiction.

As I write this, I’m 12 years out and have learned that healing takes time, sadness never completely disappears, our journeys would never be as rich if the path were only paved with gold, nothing is wasted–unless we let it, and, most importantly, God is a good and loving God.

Then there’s Billy.

Mother’s Day, while having its sad parts, also happens to be one of my favorite days of the year because 20 years ago, I became Billy’s mama.  He’s been a source of joy to me since his first breath.  (I doubt he’s reading this, but, if so…mama loves you, Bills!!)

Now, let’s talk about a super special category which is comprised of women who deserve HUGE recognition on Mother’s Day.  They are step-moms, foster-moms, surrogate moms, classroom moms, orphanage-worker mamas, and women who may or may not have children of their own, but love on other people’s children as if they were their own.  Ladies, my heart fills with gratitude as I think of you on Mother’s Day.  You may not have birthed these babies, but your influence on their lives makes this world a better place.

With this being said, I’d like to recognize one of those super special people in my life.  “Mama Judy” has been in my life for nearly three decades and has loved me as if I were her real daughter.  That’s why I call her my “bonus mom.”  Thank you for loving me well, Mama Judy!

And finally, I offer a special prayer of peace and comfort for those precious mama’s out there who have lost a child.  I cannot imagine what you’ve been through, and I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

With a heart of sadness, gratitude, love, hope, and thanksgiving, all at the same time, here’s to honoring Mother’s Day for all that it stands for.

Jill xx

Have you lost a parent to alcohol or drug addiction?  I wrote an article that you might find helpful…click here to read.

And here’s a follow up article I wrote after receiving lots of feedback on the first article.  I hope this helps too.

 

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Combat Fear and Shame by Sharing Your Story

Last week I talked about the lessons I’ve learned after recently reading my mom’s autopsy report.  I have received countless messages, mostly private, from people telling me that reading that post really struck a chord with them—many could relate directly to the problem with alcoholism in families, others could relate because they have been or are going through some other sort of trauma in their lives.

Many people told me that by reading my story, it helped them to see their own situation in a different light and encouraged them in a profound way.

This is exactly why I write this blog…to share stories, ideas, and perspectives that will impact and improve our lives—whether it be related to goal setting, overcoming obstacles, finding the extraordinary in the ordinary, or about opening up about a difficult time in your life, like I did with last week’s post.

My goal today is to encourage you to think about sharing your story.

If the idea of sharing scares you, remember that there’s not a “sharing formula” you must follow.  You don’t have to write about it like I did in a blog, you just need to move forward…take the first step.

Maybe you’ll choose to share with a friend or a counselor, confide in a support group, write in a private journal, or maybe you’ll be the one to share your story in a memoir for the whole world to see.

If sharing were always easy, I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?  Let’s talk about a few of the obstacles we face in sharing our stories and then finish up with some reasons that support the importance of sharing:

REASONS YOU MIGHT CHOOSE NOT TO SHARE YOUR STORY: 

Fear.  You were not created to live in a state of fear.  Fear is like a bully who holds you captive, preventing you from reaching your full potential.  A key to overcoming fear is to name it, so you can deal with it.  Answer this question: Why are you scared to tell your story?  Embarrassment?  Shame?  Being ostracized?  Once you name your fear, you can begin breaking down the reasons for it and addressing how you will overcome it.
Shame.  Dr. Brene Brown has studied shame for many years and offers the following counsel: “Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.” She gives these three points to combat shame: 1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  2. Reach out to someone you trust.  3.  Tell your story.
Timing.  Don’t rush things.  What I shared last week took 11 years for me to be able to share to the degree that I did.  There are other chapters in my story that I’m actively working through—parts that I may share in the future, or may not.  It’s important for each of us to use discernment and to allow the right timing to unfold.

REASONS YOU SHOULD SHARE YOUR STORY:

Bring Light to the Darkness.  Have you ever woken in fear from a nightmare and as soon as you switched on the light, you felt better?  It works the same with real-life nightmares.  When we tuck things away in the dark, we allow them to haunt us.  Darkness is fertile ground for breeding fear and shame.
Healing.  Sharing you story can bring tremendous healing, both physically and mentally, to yourself and to others.
Sharing is Caring.  Sharing is both an act of self-care (healing) and altruism.  When you share you have the ability to make a positive impact in someone else’s life.  Don’t be stingy with the blessing you are meant to be. : )

Whether I’m fortunate enough to witness your story sharing or not, I thank you in advance for being courageous.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.  Please share this post with someone you care about.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Lessons Learned: Perspective from an Adult Child of an Alcoholic

I received a package in the mail this week that contained my mother’s autopsy report.  She died 11 years ago, but some of her things were sent to me recently after my step-dad passed away.  My mom’s death certificate, which I had a copy of, listed her immediate cause of death as “complications due to alcohol use”.  Until now, I’d never laid eyes on the actual autopsy report.

I didn’t know it back then, but I wasn’t ready to read this report, full of detail, 11 years ago.  I was too close to my loss and too wrapped up in the pain of my circumstances.  Reading it at that time would have been like pouring alcohol into an open wound.

Reading the narrative from the medical examiner’s office this week was not pleasant–I felt nauseous and I sat and cried for a while.  But, you know what I realized?  It didn’t feel like a Band-Aid being ripped off an exposed wound.  It just felt like I was reading a sad chapter in my mom’s life…in my life.

The lens in which I view that part of my life is different now, it’s more focused—in a good way.

These last 11 years have taught me plenty, but these two quotes beautifully sum up what I know to be true today.

“Every single thing that has happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come.” –Unknown Author Read more

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