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How to Deal With the Grief You Are Experiencing Today

Are you experiencing grief today?

Whether it’s from the death of a loved one, or even the loss (of what once was normal and good) of someone still living, grief is something everyone will experience in their lives at some point.

Today, I’ve decided to do a VLOG (video blog) because I want to look you in the eyes and offer some suggestions on things you can do today to help you during this painful time in your life.

Mentioned in the video:

The 5 Stages of Grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

If you found this video helpful or know someone who could benefit from seeing it, please share.

Thanks for spending time here with me today!

Jill xx

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The Power of Ugly Words

A friend of mine, a gifted public speaker, recently received a hand-written “fan” letter in the mail.

The letter writer informed my friend that she was a terrible public speaker and that she needed to take a public speaking class.  Now let me interject here:  It is not only my biased opinion as a friend that she is an excellent public speaker.  She has humbly received multitudes of compliments on her speaking abilities and delivery.

Back to the letter…

The letter writer was also “kind” enough to point out very specific things (that weren’t true) that my friend needed to improve on.

The author of the letter chose not to leave a name or a return address.

What the letter writer did leave were words on a page that became imprinted on the mind of my friend (who, by the way, didn’t ask for this person’s opinion.)  My friend found herself going back to what was written and second-guessing her abilities.  The words on that page, from one single person, caused her confidence to fall.

How can the words of one person hold so much power over us?

I know of a woman who was told she was ugly her entire life–by her mother!  This woman would be considered very pretty by most standards, but guess what?  She believes she is ugly.  No matter what anyone else has told her over the years, she believes the UGLY lie her mother fed her.  You can imagine how believing this lie has manifested itself in her life.

Most of us have experienced the sting of an ugly word or statement.  Maybe it was someone telling you to give up a dream of going to college, because you weren’t smart enough.  Maybe it was someone telling you that you don’t deserve something because of something that happened in your past.  Maybe it’s someone telling you you’re fat and so that’s what you see when you look in the mirror.  Maybe it’s someone telling you that the way you talk is weird, so now you withdraw in social settings.

Whether we understand it or not, the words of one single person can have significant power over our lives.

Believing these lies can hold us back from living out our life’s purpose.  It can cause depression.  It can cause suicide.  It can cause us to stumble in places where we should be standing tall.  It can cause us to be less than we are meant to be.

So what can we do about it?

First, a few things for those of us that have been an ugly words target, and then we’ll address those of us that might be ugly word offenders:

Surround yourself with people that lift you up.  Choose friends who believe in you, who encourage you, and who make you a better person.  If you surround yourself with haters or naysayers, you’re gonna suffer the consequences.  Although we can’t choose our families, we can place boundaries on any unhealthy relationship.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When we use words or statements of affirmation, we are asserting that what we’re saying exists or is true.  So, for example, the woman who was told she was ugly by her mother, she might repeat the following to herself multiple times every day, “I am God’s handmade and beautiful creation who is worthy of adoration and love.”  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Take the high road.  Don’t spew back ugliness in response to ugliness.  The person hurling ugly words can’t take back what they say and you won’t be able to either.

Seek professional help.  Sometimes the scars are so deep you might need professional help.  Seek out a counselor, pastor, or physician to help you

Take it to God.  I have personally struggled with some pretty tough things for a good bit of my life and it wasn’t until I took it to God a few years ago that I began to see real transformation in my life.  The best thing about this route: there’s no charge, it’s super confidential, and He’s available 24-7!

Be a model of grace.  Your friends, family, co-workers, etc., are watching you.  Always strive to be a good role model.

Now, let’s move along…

Are you an UGLY words offender? 

There are two types of UGLY words offenders.

  1. Those who will read this and call me an ugly name for writing about this. If this is you and you’ve gotten this far in reading this, please keep your mind and your heart open and keep reading.
  2. Those who realize they may have a problem, who oftentimes feel guilty for their behavior, but just don’t know how to stop or fix what they’ve done. Glad you’re here!  I hope these simple suggestions will get you on the road to recovery.

Whether you’re a one-time ugly words offender or you’re a perpetual offender, here are some guidelines for you to consider:

Don’t be afraid to try and repair what you break.  Have you ever seen a beautiful china dish with a crack in it?  The dish didn’t have to be thrown out when it was broken–it was repaired and utilized for its intended purpose–but the crack will still always be visible.  This is the same with people: The scars you’ve caused may still be visible after you say you’re sorry, but you might be able to restore a broken relationship.

Place some boundaries on your tongue.  Do you find it hard to hold back when you have something to say?  Know this: You have the power to reign your own tongue in.  Every time you feel yourself ready to spout off, take 10-20 deep breaths in and out and don’t say what you were going to say.  Just don’t say it at all.  Remember, you can’t take your words back.  If what you need to say is important, then give yourself 24 hours to think about the best way to say it.  Chances are, you will talk yourself out of saying anything if you give yourself a chance to reflect on what you were going to say, how it might affect the recipient.

Utilize words of affirmation.  When you use words or statements of affirmation, you are asserting that what you’re saying exists or is true.  So, if you repeat to yourself throughout the day, “I am loved and I will show love,” over time, you will see a marked change in how you feel about yourself and how you treat others.  When you utilize words of affirmation, you are filling your mind with good things and blocking out the ugly things that will pop up.  If you haven’t tried using words of affirmation before, give yourself some time.  You probably won’t notice a change in one day, but if you are consistent, you will see a wonderful change over time.

It’s helpful to write your affirming word, sentence, quote, or Bible verse on a piece of paper and post in areas where you will see it often: bathroom mirror, by your kitchen sink, on the fridge, on the dash in your car, etc.

Change is possible.  No matter what anyone told you, change is possible and it’s never too late to begin that change.

So, whether you’ve doled out the stinging words or you’ve received those words, today is a new day and the perfect day to start the restoration process.

I am guessing most of you reading this are adults.  Would you please share this post with the younger people in your life?  There is a serious bullying epidemic among our young people, and it will only get better when we talk about it and bring it out into the light.  Click here to watch an awesome anti-bullying message created by a 14-year-old teen from Texas.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here.

Have a great rest of your day!

Jill xx

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Overcoming Slumps, Depression, and the Blues

Can you relate?

The holiday hoopla is over, family and friends have left, and you have read one too many “depressing” articles on how great this New Year is going to be.

Great for who?

Those who “have it all together”?

Here it is the New Year and you’re still trying to figure out what went wrong last year and how you will fix those problems, much less launch into goals for the New Year!

Did you know that depression, ranging from moderate to severe cases, affects nearly 350 million people worldwide?

Maybe you can relate.  Maybe you know someone else who might be able to relate.  Either way, it’s important to read and share the following bit of information and encouragement intended for those who are in a season in life in which they are in a slump, are depressed, or are struck with the blues.

I suffered from moderate depression and anxiety after my mother died unexpectantly several years ago.  I can tell you from experience, when you are down, it seems that everything is in a conspiracy to keep you down.

As there are varying degrees of depression, this post, is in no way meant to be the fix-it-all piece of advice.  What I am offering here are suggestions that I pray will help even one person.

Ask for help.  Let’s get one thing straight…there is NO shame in asking for help.  Whether it be from a trusted friend, a professional counselor, medical doctor, or pastor, there are people who have either spent a great deal of time learning how best to help people just like you, or in the case of a friend, love you and want the best for you.  Please allow someone to help you.  I talk about perspective later, but sometimes all you will need is the perspective of an outsider to help you break through the fog that has settled over you.  (Finding a reliable professional source of help can be overwhelming; ask a friend or family member to help you with this process.)

Don’t allow negative self-talk to perpetuate lies. Did you know that we have 50,000 thoughts running around in our heads each and every day?  Most of these thoughts, both positive and negative, are automatic, so since you can’t stop the negative thoughts from coming altogether, you best figure out a way to deal with them.  I wrote an article with four specific ways to overcome these negative thoughts; click here to read.

Remember the good.  Every single one of us has a reservoir of good memories to pull from.  For some it may be more than others, but the point is to find a few memories that you can draw from to make you smile, to lighten your mood, to remember that happiness is possible.  Now, don’t go walking down memory lane and get stuck there…you will be creating NEW good memories in the future.  Remembering things fondly (meditating on them) is merely a tool you can use to help increase your mood.  Meditation (not just clearing your mind of all thoughts, but being mindful of a good memory), certain foods, and exercise have been proven to increase your body’s dopamine (a chemical in our body that can increase motivation) levels.

Get moving.  You may have to force yourself to get up and out, but exercise is critical to feeling well, both physically and emotionally.  Research shows that exercise can improve your mood.  Endorphins, hormones released when you exercise, will trigger positive feelings.  This is what people are referring to when they talk about the “runner’s high.”

Get a new perspective.  There are times, whether you are naturally a positive or a negative thinker, that you will need a new perspective to get you on the right track.  As I mentioned earlier, this help may come through a friend, a counselor, or a pastor, but there are other ways you can help yourself.  Read uplifting, helpful, funny books, and surround yourself with positive people.  Sometimes books with short, easy to read chapters with encouraging, simple positive actions highlighted may be the best.  Other times reading a story of an inspirational person may help.

“You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.” Marianne Williamson

Show gratitude.  There is and will always be something to be thankful for.  During World War 2, Corrie ten Boom and her family were arrested for hiding Jews from the Nazis and ended up in one of the worst concentration camps in Nazi Germany, Ravensbrück.  Do you want to know one of the things she found to be thankful for during her time at this concentration camp?  Fleas!  Corrie and her dormitory mates had fleas so badly that the guards avoided them.  They saw this as a form of protection and chose to give thanks in all circumstances.  Corrie writes about her experience in The Hiding Place.

Even in the worst situation, there will always be something to be grateful for.  Dig deep.  Maybe you will express gratitude for running water, a roof over your head, a source of heat in the winter, a friend that checks in on you, a bowl of cereal…you get the point.  It’s a good idea to write down what you are grateful for.  This practice will reinforce positive thoughts and will change your life.  Start by getting a pen and paper and writing three things you are grateful for right now.  Continue with this daily and you will notice the benefits.

Help others.  You may be thinking that you are having a hard enough time helping yourself, how can you help someone else??  When you extend help to others you will feel useful, and connected.  There are all types of volunteer opportunities in your community, from working at a homeless shelter, to tutoring a student, to walking dogs at an animal shelter.  Find something that interests you and get started as soon as possible.

Celebrate the small victories.  In the morning when you get out of bed without crying, celebrate!  When you have a good conversation with a person you are constantly in conflict with, celebrate!  When you make it one day without having a drink, celebrate!  When you are able to enjoy a meal without obsessing over the calories, celebrate!  When you begin putting $15 from each paycheck into a savings account, celebrate!  Never discount a single, small victory in your battle to gain control of your life.  It’s a good idea to keep a journal recording these victories (put them right in there with your gratitude journal).  Chances are, if you don’t record them, you will forget the positive strides you are making.

If you have thoughts of suicide please call The National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Lastly, if you are reading this and know someone who may be depressed, please reach out to them.  Sometimes knowing someone cares makes all the difference in the world.

I appreciate you sharing this post.

Jill xx

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It’s Scary What a Smile Can Hide

“It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

I saw this on a young woman’s Facebook page recently. I don’t know her, but I clicked over to see if there was an explanation. Nothing. No comments explaining why she wrote that, no follow up comments, or even questions from friends. Just, “It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

Reading that made my heart sink.

How many people do you and I “engage” with every day that are smiling outwardly, but on the inside it’s a different story?

Pain. Anger. Loss of hope. Resentment. Depression. Sadness. Hate. Abandonment.

All these emotions neatly tucked away behind a smile that doesn’t mirror the heart.

You’ve been there, right?

I’ve been there. Someone asks how my day is and I “cheerfully” reply with a heavy heart and stinging eyes, “Doing good! How about you?”

The response is not meant to be phony or misleading. It’s meant to be a method of preservation, a means of maintaining your privacy, and even consideration for others who don’t need to know every detail of our lives.

In general, we as a society, are taught to hide our emotions, aren’t we? Push through. Toughen up.

The thing is, many of us have loved ones and trusted friends who we can trust (most of) our “stuff” with.

Some don’t.

Where does that leave those who are never “seen” or “heard”?

It leaves them with statements like this: “It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

We are not put on this earth to live self-serving lives focused on indulging our wants and whims.

We are meant for greater things. To love one another. Even those we don’t know.

Remember to: Pay attention to the people who are right in front of you. Pay attention to the people that are important to you. Pay attention to those who have been forgotten or discarded.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” – Jesus

Here are some deliberate steps you can take to connect with others:

• Acknowledge the person serving you at a restaurant in a very specific way. Compliment them on something they do very well or ask them about what’s going on in their life.
• Tell your child’s teacher that you appreciate their gifts and their sacrifice for your child.
• Say hello to the raggedy-looking person on the street. Ask how their day is and be prepared to really hear their response.
• Sincerely thank the bagger at the grocery store. I’m talking–looking him/her in the eyes and giving thanks.
• Spend some quality time with a friend that has seemed a bit “off” lately.
• Give a child’s voice the respect it is due. Don’t downplay what comes from the mouths of babes.

Are you hiding something behind your smile? I encourage you to reach out to someone you can trust—a family member, a friend, a counselor, or a pastor.

As always, I appreciate your input. Please leave your comments below.

Don’t forget! If you would like my blog posts to appear in your inbox each week, just add your name and email to the subscription box.

Jill xx

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