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Combat Fear and Shame by Sharing Your Story

Last week I talked about the lessons I’ve learned after recently reading my mom’s autopsy report.  I have received countless messages, mostly private, from people telling me that reading that post really struck a chord with them—many could relate directly to the problem with alcoholism in families, others could relate because they have been or are going through some other sort of trauma in their lives.

Many people told me that by reading my story, it helped them to see their own situation in a different light and encouraged them in a profound way.

This is exactly why I write this blog…to share stories, ideas, and perspectives that will impact and improve our lives—whether it be related to goal setting, overcoming obstacles, finding the extraordinary in the ordinary, or about opening up about a difficult time in your life, like I did with last week’s post.

My goal today is to encourage you to think about sharing your story.

If the idea of sharing scares you, remember that there’s not a “sharing formula” you must follow.  You don’t have to write about it like I did in a blog, you just need to move forward…take the first step.

Maybe you’ll choose to share with a friend or a counselor, confide in a support group, write in a private journal, or maybe you’ll be the one to share your story in a memoir for the whole world to see.

If sharing were always easy, I wouldn’t be writing this post, would I?  Let’s talk about a few of the obstacles we face in sharing our stories and then finish up with some reasons that support the importance of sharing:

REASONS YOU MIGHT CHOOSE NOT TO SHARE YOUR STORY: 

Fear.  You were not created to live in a state of fear.  Fear is like a bully who holds you captive, preventing you from reaching your full potential.  A key to overcoming fear is to name it, so you can deal with it.  Answer this question: Why are you scared to tell your story?  Embarrassment?  Shame?  Being ostracized?  Once you name your fear, you can begin breaking down the reasons for it and addressing how you will overcome it.
Shame.  Dr. Brene Brown has studied shame for many years and offers the following counsel: “Shame cannot survive being spoken and met with empathy.” She gives these three points to combat shame: 1. Talk to yourself like you talk to someone you love.  2. Reach out to someone you trust.  3.  Tell your story.
Timing.  Don’t rush things.  What I shared last week took 11 years for me to be able to share to the degree that I did.  There are other chapters in my story that I’m actively working through—parts that I may share in the future, or may not.  It’s important for each of us to use discernment and to allow the right timing to unfold.

REASONS YOU SHOULD SHARE YOUR STORY:

Bring Light to the Darkness.  Have you ever woken in fear from a nightmare and as soon as you switched on the light, you felt better?  It works the same with real-life nightmares.  When we tuck things away in the dark, we allow them to haunt us.  Darkness is fertile ground for breeding fear and shame.
Healing.  Sharing you story can bring tremendous healing, both physically and mentally, to yourself and to others.
Sharing is Caring.  Sharing is both an act of self-care (healing) and altruism.  When you share you have the ability to make a positive impact in someone else’s life.  Don’t be stingy with the blessing you are meant to be. : )

Whether I’m fortunate enough to witness your story sharing or not, I thank you in advance for being courageous.

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.  Please share this post with someone you care about.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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Overcoming Slumps, Depression, and the Blues

Can you relate?

The holiday hoopla is over, family and friends have left, and you have read one too many “depressing” articles on how great this New Year is going to be.

Great for who?

Those who “have it all together”?

Here it is the New Year and you’re still trying to figure out what went wrong last year and how you will fix those problems, much less launch into goals for the New Year!

Did you know that depression, ranging from moderate to severe cases, affects nearly 350 million people worldwide?

Maybe you can relate.  Maybe you know someone else who might be able to relate.  Either way, it’s important to read and share the following bit of information and encouragement intended for those who are in a season in life in which they are in a slump, are depressed, or are struck with the blues.

I suffered from moderate depression and anxiety after my mother died unexpectantly several years ago.  I can tell you from experience, when you are down, it seems that everything is in a conspiracy to keep you down.

As there are varying degrees of depression, this post, is in no way meant to be the fix-it-all piece of advice.  What I am offering here are suggestions that I pray will help even one person.

Ask for help.  Let’s get one thing straight…there is NO shame in asking for help.  Whether it be from a trusted friend, a professional counselor, medical doctor, or pastor, there are people who have either spent a great deal of time learning how best to help people just like you, or in the case of a friend, love you and want the best for you.  Please allow someone to help you.  I talk about perspective later, but sometimes all you will need is the perspective of an outsider to help you break through the fog that has settled over you.  (Finding a reliable professional source of help can be overwhelming; ask a friend or family member to help you with this process.)

Don’t allow negative self-talk to perpetuate lies. Did you know that we have 50,000 thoughts running around in our heads each and every day?  Most of these thoughts, both positive and negative, are automatic, so since you can’t stop the negative thoughts from coming altogether, you best figure out a way to deal with them.  I wrote an article with four specific ways to overcome these negative thoughts; click here to read.

Remember the good.  Every single one of us has a reservoir of good memories to pull from.  For some it may be more than others, but the point is to find a few memories that you can draw from to make you smile, to lighten your mood, to remember that happiness is possible.  Now, don’t go walking down memory lane and get stuck there…you will be creating NEW good memories in the future.  Remembering things fondly (meditating on them) is merely a tool you can use to help increase your mood.  Meditation (not just clearing your mind of all thoughts, but being mindful of a good memory), certain foods, and exercise have been proven to increase your body’s dopamine (a chemical in our body that can increase motivation) levels.

Get moving.  You may have to force yourself to get up and out, but exercise is critical to feeling well, both physically and emotionally.  Research shows that exercise can improve your mood.  Endorphins, hormones released when you exercise, will trigger positive feelings.  This is what people are referring to when they talk about the “runner’s high.”

Get a new perspective.  There are times, whether you are naturally a positive or a negative thinker, that you will need a new perspective to get you on the right track.  As I mentioned earlier, this help may come through a friend, a counselor, or a pastor, but there are other ways you can help yourself.  Read uplifting, helpful, funny books, and surround yourself with positive people.  Sometimes books with short, easy to read chapters with encouraging, simple positive actions highlighted may be the best.  Other times reading a story of an inspirational person may help.

“You must learn a new way to think before you can master a new way to be.” Marianne Williamson

Show gratitude.  There is and will always be something to be thankful for.  During World War 2, Corrie ten Boom and her family were arrested for hiding Jews from the Nazis and ended up in one of the worst concentration camps in Nazi Germany, Ravensbrück.  Do you want to know one of the things she found to be thankful for during her time at this concentration camp?  Fleas!  Corrie and her dormitory mates had fleas so badly that the guards avoided them.  They saw this as a form of protection and chose to give thanks in all circumstances.  Corrie writes about her experience in The Hiding Place.

Even in the worst situation, there will always be something to be grateful for.  Dig deep.  Maybe you will express gratitude for running water, a roof over your head, a source of heat in the winter, a friend that checks in on you, a bowl of cereal…you get the point.  It’s a good idea to write down what you are grateful for.  This practice will reinforce positive thoughts and will change your life.  Start by getting a pen and paper and writing three things you are grateful for right now.  Continue with this daily and you will notice the benefits.

Help others.  You may be thinking that you are having a hard enough time helping yourself, how can you help someone else??  When you extend help to others you will feel useful, and connected.  There are all types of volunteer opportunities in your community, from working at a homeless shelter, to tutoring a student, to walking dogs at an animal shelter.  Find something that interests you and get started as soon as possible.

Celebrate the small victories.  In the morning when you get out of bed without crying, celebrate!  When you have a good conversation with a person you are constantly in conflict with, celebrate!  When you make it one day without having a drink, celebrate!  When you are able to enjoy a meal without obsessing over the calories, celebrate!  When you begin putting $15 from each paycheck into a savings account, celebrate!  Never discount a single, small victory in your battle to gain control of your life.  It’s a good idea to keep a journal recording these victories (put them right in there with your gratitude journal).  Chances are, if you don’t record them, you will forget the positive strides you are making.

If you have thoughts of suicide please call The National Suicide Prevention Line at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Lastly, if you are reading this and know someone who may be depressed, please reach out to them.  Sometimes knowing someone cares makes all the difference in the world.

I appreciate you sharing this post.

Jill xx

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Dream Big!

Is there something really exciting that you would like to do, but have been putting off?  Something you dream about “one day” doing?  You know, something like: writing a book, taking a year off to sail around the world, going back to school for a career change, learning how to play the piano, opening a restaurant, starting a non-profit?

What’s holding you back?

Lack of time?  Lack of resources?  Feeling unqualified?  Fear?

Oftentimes, taking the steps necessary to make our dreams come true are postponed until…the timing is better, there’s more money, it feels less scary, etc.

Have you noticed how time flies when we use these excuses?

Three years ago I had a strong desire to start writing a blog.  Did I do it?  No.  The two main excuses that rattled around in my head were: 1. “I really don’t have time to write with my busy schedule,” and 2. “I’m not a writer.”  First of all, somehow I always found time to watch House Hunters International, so time was not the issue!  Secondly, did I think that writers came out of the womb with a pen in hand writing beautiful prose about their experience in the amniotic sac??

For me, it all boiled down to a dirty four-letter word.

FEAR.

I allowed fear to keep me from doing something I felt passionate about.  I allowed fear to take captive my rational thoughts.  I allowed fear to bully me into thinking I wasn’t worthy to express my ideas through writing.

Well, it took me three years to finally start writing my blog, but I did it!  The operative word here is START.  I know I might look back in a couple years and blush with embarrassment at some of my earliest writing attempts.  You know what?  I’m ok with that, because at least I will have something to look back at.  You know the old saying, if you don’t start somewhere, you’ll get nowhere really fast!

So, what have you been putting off?  Has fear crept in and pushed your dream into a corner?  Are you tired of making excuses of why your dream isn’t possible?

Taking action can be really overwhelming at times.  It helps to have someone (this is where I come in!) walking alongside you offering encouragement and actionable steps as you move closer to your dream.

So today, right now, I encourage you to take the first step.  Don’t worry, this part will be fun!

Over the next several days, set aside time to reflect on what you are passionate about, what gets you excited, what inspires you.  Another way to think about this is what or who do you want to be when you “grow up”?

I suggest you write some things down in a journal or notebook.  Write down words, sentences, ideas, maybe even quotes that inspire you.  Don’t get caught up in the details of “the hows,” just let your imagination run wild!  Dream big!

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.” – Gloria Steinem

Next week I will have some specific actionable steps for you to begin working towards making your dream a reality.

So you don’t miss next week’s post, make sure to sign up to receive my blog posts via email.

Don’t let your friends and family miss out on working toward making their dreams come true!  Please share the love by sharing this post with them.

Super excited to see you next week!

Jill xx

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