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Not Listening When You Should Be?

It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote an article titled, “The Art of Listening Well“.  I wrote it because, as I stated in that article, “The lack of listening skills has declined in our fast paced digital world, and I expect will only get worse.”  Friends, I was/am sincerely concerned for us, a world in which we get too busy with “stuff” to focus on the living, breathing, important things right in front of us.

Weeeellllllll, today I stand before you guilty of being one of those awful non-listeners.  The worst part of my non-listening crime was that the recipient the last couple of weeks has been one of the most important people in my life–my husband.  To top it off, he is a man of few words!!  If he’s speaking, I need to be listening!

What has been “more” important these last weeks?  Nothing.

My excuse: I’ve stretched myself too thin, have a lot on my mind.   The truth is, I have allowed my busyness to infringe on the communication with my husband.  My busyness and stretching is not his problem.

I share a real-time example here from my experience with my husband.  Are there people in your life that have received your less-than-attentive ear lately?  Your children, a good friend, your spouse, your parent, your sibling?

These people just listed are not the “chit-chat at a party” type of people.  These are YOUR people.  They deserve nothing but the best from us.  Don’t you think?

Sometimes it’s not enough to realize what you’re doing (like I have) and hope it doesn’t repeat.  In this blog, we need bullet points!!

Here are a few thoughts that I’m personally going to be using:

  • Acknowledge you’re being a lazy or non-listener.  You know, “they” say the first step is admitting the problem.
  • Set rules or triggers that surround future communication with “your people”.  For example, when one of these people enters the room, lay down your phone, close your book, and make good, solid eye contact.  I remember a man who said that he and his wife would take their children’s faces in their hands when they were communicating to ensure that both parties were listening intently.  I am so going to cradle my man’s face in my hands when we’re talking from now on! ; )
  • Ask the other person to call you out on it.  Crucial note: don’t allow your feelings to be hurt and don’t argue or try and defend yourself.  Thank them for helping to make you aware and move on.
  • Enjoy the intimacy you experience as a result of your newly honed listening habit.  Ah, the fruits of your labor!

Wait!  I think I hear my hubs coming.  Gotta run.  Getting into full listening stance with hands ready to cradle his face!  ; )

Here’s to taking steps to protect our most valuable relationships.

Jill xx

Please share this post…it may be the answer to many relationship woes.

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The Art of Listening Well

Have you ever been talking to someone and their eyes either glaze over or start scanning the room?  They’re clearly not listening, and you’re thinking, “Hey! Excuuuuuse me, but am I boring you to death over here?!”  This happened to me at a conference, and instead of just ending the conversation with this rude person and moving on, I began to speak faster and rattle.  This un-engaged listener was causing ME to feel uncomfortable!

The lack of listening skills has declined in our fast paced digital world, and I expect will only get worse.

It’s not unusual to see people in conversation, and the minute a text or other notification on their phone comes in, their attention is divided–if not completely stolen away–as they check their device.  I’ve been guilty of this and I bet you have, too.  Remember the days, when you had to wait to get home and check the cassette tape on your answering machine for a message from someone??

Call me old-fashioned, but I don’t think it’s too much to ask for someone’s undivided attention when you’re talking with them (especially if it’s just for a few minutes).

Or is it?

Researchers and authors Bob Sullivan and Hugh Thompson tell us that “The human brain has the capacity to digest as much as 400 words per minute of information. But even a speaker from New York City talks at around 125 words per minute. That means three-quarters of your brain could very well be doing something else while someone is speaking to you.”

This leaves a lot of room for us, as listeners, to be thinking about other stuff, and not being the good listeners our mama’s taught us to be.

Sometimes, all it takes is a reminder (this post, or a bad experience of not being listened to well) and an intention to change to be better at something.  So, today, let’s all try to be better listeners.  While we’re at it, can we also agree to teach the children in our lives how to be good listeners, too?

Following are 5 tips to master the art of listening well: 

  1. Listen to learn.  This is especially true for friends and family.  You can learn a lot about people’s likes and dislikes, their dreams and aspirations, their fears and heartaches when you listen with an intention to learn more about them.  I have a friend — you know who you are, Linda — who is the best at this.  The details she remembers about her friends and family is uncanny.  I could mention three years ago how I love macadamia nuts with cinnamon glaze, because it reminded me of a cinnamon-colored pony I had when I was young, and one day she’ll show up on my doorstep with a box of nuts and a sweet and thoughtful note with a picture that looks exactly like my pony from years gone by!!!  People that listen and remember special things like this make you feel so “listened to”!  (NOTE: for those that, like me, don’t have the capacity to remember these things like my friend Linda does, maybe we should keep track of fun family and friend details in a notebook).
  2. Ask questions.  Asking questions is an excellent feeder and developer for good conversation.  Using this technique will help you to stay engaged and learn more about the person you’re talking with: both good listening skills.
  3. Don’t listen with an ulterior motive.  Don’t be the “listener” who is fidgeting and silently mouthing words that they want to say the instant they get the chance.  This type of person is only thinking about themselves and are not listening at all.  Now, this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t engage with people in life and business that you’d like to talk to because you could benefit from their knowledge, resources, or connections somehow.  Just don’t enter conversations only to give your two cents or be a selfish taker.
  4. Listen with your heart.  Someone may say something to you, that if you’re not listening well, may slip by.  There’s a chance that what slipped by was very important, just not super obvious to the casual listener.  Maybe it’s a friend who is suffering from depression and is “asking for help”, or someone who needs a safe place to talk about something difficult they’re going through in their marriage, with their kids, or at work.  When you open your heart’s ears, you’d be surprised all that’s being said.
  5. Follow the Golden Rule of listening.  Last, but not least, remember to follow the Golden Rule of listening: “Listen to those as you would have those listen unto you.”

Friends, you know how it feels to be properly listened to, so here’s to more of that and more of you being a good listener to others.

Have an awesome day!

Jill xx

P.S. I’d love it if you’d share this post with your friends, family, and co-workers.

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