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Mother’s Day

A friend asked me yesterday if Mother’s Day was a sad or hard time for me since I lost my mom (she was only 59 and died of alcoholism).  I thought I’d share my thoughts on this, since I know there are others out there who’ve lost their mama’s, too, and can probably relate to some degree. IMG_0331

Yes, the day with its big obvious name and all, has a tendency to make me sad when I think about my loss.  My thoughts oscillate between romantic thoughts of what could have been, to what should have been, to what never would have been, to a question I’ve asked God so many times, “Why?!”.  My heart also aches thinking about the emotional and physical pain my mom must have experienced…enough to lose her life to addiction.

As I write this, I’m 12 years out and have learned that healing takes time, sadness never completely disappears, our journeys would never be as rich if the path were only paved with gold, nothing is wasted–unless we let it, and, most importantly, God is a good and loving God.

Then there’s Billy.

Mother’s Day, while having its sad parts, also happens to be one of my favorite days of the year because 20 years ago, I became Billy’s mama.  He’s been a source of joy to me since his first breath.  (I doubt he’s reading this, but, if so…mama loves you, Bills!!)

Now, let’s talk about a super special category which is comprised of women who deserve HUGE recognition on Mother’s Day.  They are step-moms, foster-moms, surrogate moms, classroom moms, orphanage-worker mamas, and women who may or may not have children of their own, but love on other people’s children as if they were their own.  Ladies, my heart fills with gratitude as I think of you on Mother’s Day.  You may not have birthed these babies, but your influence on their lives makes this world a better place.

With this being said, I’d like to recognize one of those super special people in my life.  “Mama Judy” has been in my life for nearly three decades and has loved me as if I were her real daughter.  That’s why I call her my “bonus mom.”  Thank you for loving me well, Mama Judy!

And finally, I offer a special prayer of peace and comfort for those precious mama’s out there who have lost a child.  I cannot imagine what you’ve been through, and I’m deeply sorry for your loss.

With a heart of sadness, gratitude, love, hope, and thanksgiving, all at the same time, here’s to honoring Mother’s Day for all that it stands for.

Jill xx

Have you lost a parent to alcohol or drug addiction?  I wrote an article that you might find helpful…click here to read.

And here’s a follow up article I wrote after receiving lots of feedback on the first article.  I hope this helps too.

 

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Tips For Empty Nesters

It has been 3-weeks since we dropped our only child over 2,000 miles from home and despite my “Oh, I’m going to be fine…This is what it’s all about…We raise ‘em to set ‘em free” attitude, I have to admit, I’m not quite as strong as I thought I would be. Waaaaa! I miss my boy!

It’s not like we dropped him in a gutter! His new home away from home is a college within minutes from the Pacific Ocean. He has joined the BEACH volleyball club!

[Tweet “Becoming an empty nester marks the end of an era, NOT the end of parenting. via @LearnWithJill”]

It’s time to take a step back and watch our little birdie take the plunge. We have, after all, been preparing him for this for 18 years.

We raise our kids to be independent, strong, and confident young adults that can leave home with a sense of confidence and excitement for their future. Right?

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Although we may want our children to show a need for us in some way, we don’t want them to look back with fear in their eyes or steps of trepidation.

As we take this great step of faith, let’s consider a few ideas that can help us along in this process. I have outlined several below, but would love your input in the comments section. What works for some may not work for others. Let’s help each other out here, Mamas and Daddies!

I have also included a section below with helpful tips for 1.) young adults leaving the nest, and 2.) parents with kids still at home.

TIPS FOR EMPTY NESTERS:

1. Keep the Lines of Communication Open. Set up clear communication expectations before your child leaves. Our agreement is that we must talk on Sundays. Of course, we welcome the random call, text, or email throughout the week. From one parent to another, an expectation to talk every day is asking a bit much of your grown child. Allow them some space and room to figure out stuff on their own.

2. Cry. It’s ok. There is no shame in this. Studies show that when we cry we are releasing stress hormones. This may sound dramatic, but most empty nesters go through a grieving process, and a natural step in moving through your grief is the physical act of crying.

3. Branch Out. If you get stuck in the crying stage, you will become depressed. You may also unwittingly become an unnecessary burden to your child. Realize and celebrate that a new life has birthed. YOUR new life. Remember when your child was young and you had to pay someone to watch your child to go on a date or go for a run? No more babysitters needed, people! Take some time to think about a new hobby you would like to engage in and get started! Embrace the time you now have to share with your spouse and/or additional children, friends, etc.

4. Give Your Child Some Space. Remember that your “child” is now an adult. Your parenting role did not end when your child left the house, but a new version of your role has begun. Respect your child’s independence, but be available as needed.

5. It’s OK To Make Mistakes. Young adults and old adults make mistakes. We, as parents, need to be at peace in allowing our child to make decisions, good and not so good, that will enable them to learn through natural consequences.

TIPS FOR KIDS WHO HAVE LEFT THE NEST:

1. Remember your parents have provided for your every need for the last 17-18 years, show a little RESPECT!

2. Call/Text/Email your parents at least once per week. You may be busy, but no one should ever be too busy to reach out to a loved one. A “Hey pops! Love ya!” text/email/call goes a loooooooong way!

3. Be strong in your moral convictions. Don’t let your peers decide which road you will travel down. A wise person once said, “Pick your peers, pick your pressures.”

4. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your parents for advice or guidance. They know you best, love you the most, and will always be a good source of wisdom. Most enjoy feeling useful.

5. Enjoy your new life. Take advantage of your new surroundings and partake in experiences that will enrich your life.

TIPS FOR PARENTS WITH KIDS STILL LIVING AT HOME:

1. Be consistent in your discipline. It may be hard while you’re in it, but children feel safer when given boundaries (don’t let the screaming and kicking fool you).

2. Allow your child to make choices under your guidance and learn the consequences.

3. Establish and maintain open lines of communication.

4. Listen. Listen to hear, not to just give your input. At times you will need to suspend judgment.

5. Allow your children to make their own way. Don’t expect your kids to fulfill your own personal dreams.

Ok, parents and kids, I want to hear what you have to add. Pull from your experience and share with us. Any and all advice is welcomed.  Consider your advice as free therapy for struggling parents out there.
Please leave your comment(s) in the comment section below.