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Not Listening When You Should Be?

It was only a few weeks ago that I wrote an article titled, “The Art of Listening Well“.  I wrote it because, as I stated in that article, “The lack of listening skills has declined in our fast paced digital world, and I expect will only get worse.”  Friends, I was/am sincerely concerned for us, a world in which we get too busy with “stuff” to focus on the living, breathing, important things right in front of us.

Weeeellllllll, today I stand before you guilty of being one of those awful non-listeners.  The worst part of my non-listening crime was that the recipient the last couple of weeks has been one of the most important people in my life–my husband.  To top it off, he is a man of few words!!  If he’s speaking, I need to be listening!

What has been “more” important these last weeks?  Nothing.

My excuse: I’ve stretched myself too thin, have a lot on my mind.   The truth is, I have allowed my busyness to infringe on the communication with my husband.  My busyness and stretching is not his problem.

I share a real-time example here from my experience with my husband.  Are there people in your life that have received your less-than-attentive ear lately?  Your children, a good friend, your spouse, your parent, your sibling?

These people just listed are not the “chit-chat at a party” type of people.  These are YOUR people.  They deserve nothing but the best from us.  Don’t you think?

Sometimes it’s not enough to realize what you’re doing (like I have) and hope it doesn’t repeat.  In this blog, we need bullet points!!

Here are a few thoughts that I’m personally going to be using:

  • Acknowledge you’re being a lazy or non-listener.  You know, “they” say the first step is admitting the problem.
  • Set rules or triggers that surround future communication with “your people”.  For example, when one of these people enters the room, lay down your phone, close your book, and make good, solid eye contact.  I remember a man who said that he and his wife would take their children’s faces in their hands when they were communicating to ensure that both parties were listening intently.  I am so going to cradle my man’s face in my hands when we’re talking from now on! ; )
  • Ask the other person to call you out on it.  Crucial note: don’t allow your feelings to be hurt and don’t argue or try and defend yourself.  Thank them for helping to make you aware and move on.
  • Enjoy the intimacy you experience as a result of your newly honed listening habit.  Ah, the fruits of your labor!

Wait!  I think I hear my hubs coming.  Gotta run.  Getting into full listening stance with hands ready to cradle his face!  ; )

Here’s to taking steps to protect our most valuable relationships.

Jill xx

Please share this post…it may be the answer to many relationship woes.

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Losing The Moment When Taking Pictures

The other morning I stood at my kitchen window and the most glorious scene appeared before my eyes…a bright, beautiful sunrise over the mountains.

Here it is!

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What did I do?  I grabbed my phone to capture the moment.  I snapped the photo, reviewed the image, cropped out part of the neighbor’s roof, and ran down the hall to show my husband.  Darn, he was still asleep!  What did I do next?  Posted it to Facebook, of course!

What is wrong with this picture?

In attempting to capture the moment, I totally became detached from the moment.  I physically walked away from the beautiful scene that was taking place right before my eyes.  When I returned a few minutes later, the moment I was so intent on capturing was gone…forever.

How often have you found yourself so caught up in capturing a moment, that you lost the moment altogether?

I love the fact that I can easily take quality pictures with my phone.  What I don’t love, is that some of my experiences are losing their essence because I’m choosing to view them, in part, through a screen.

It’s estimated that as many as 880 billion photos will be taken worldwide in 2014, with over 200,000 uploaded to Facebook every minute.  EVERY minute!

Our obsession with over-documenting everything is adversely affecting our lives.  Here’s how:

Losing a moment you can’t get back…
Here’s a question to pose to ourselves: Is it worth losing part of the experience in order to better remember it in the future?  Hmm….chew on that for a minute.

Obviously each situation is different and we all have photos that we cherish and wouldn’t want to part with for anything.

I think the key take away here is to practice intentionality and moderation.

Adverse Health Effects…
Experts have warned that the obsession with recording and sharing every moment could have an adverse effect on our memories.

We need to allow our brains to properly process our experiences to fully retain the memory.  I don’t know about you, but I have a problem retaining things even when I’m really trying!  How much worse can it be when our attention is divided by fiddling with a camera?

Relationships suffer…
Relationships can suffer when constantly documenting our lives.  When we become so intent on getting just the right shot, we miss out on just being together and allowing the moments to come and go naturally.

Sherry Turkle, MIT professor and author of Alone Together, warns us not to confuse over-documenting and sharing our lives online as authentic connection.  “It’s hard to settle into serious conversations with ourselves and with other people because emotionally, we keep ourselves available to be taken away from everything.”

So…next time you are headed out, consider leaving your camera behind.  Enjoy the freedom and richness of experience this allows.

Live fully in each moment — you’ll never have another one just like it.

As always, I appreciate your input.  Can you relate to the compulsion to over-documenting life with your camera?  Please leave your comments below.

Jill xx

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It’s Scary What a Smile Can Hide

“It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

I saw this on a young woman’s Facebook page recently. I don’t know her, but I clicked over to see if there was an explanation. Nothing. No comments explaining why she wrote that, no follow up comments, or even questions from friends. Just, “It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

Reading that made my heart sink.

How many people do you and I “engage” with every day that are smiling outwardly, but on the inside it’s a different story?

Pain. Anger. Loss of hope. Resentment. Depression. Sadness. Hate. Abandonment.

All these emotions neatly tucked away behind a smile that doesn’t mirror the heart.

You’ve been there, right?

I’ve been there. Someone asks how my day is and I “cheerfully” reply with a heavy heart and stinging eyes, “Doing good! How about you?”

The response is not meant to be phony or misleading. It’s meant to be a method of preservation, a means of maintaining your privacy, and even consideration for others who don’t need to know every detail of our lives.

In general, we as a society, are taught to hide our emotions, aren’t we? Push through. Toughen up.

The thing is, many of us have loved ones and trusted friends who we can trust (most of) our “stuff” with.

Some don’t.

Where does that leave those who are never “seen” or “heard”?

It leaves them with statements like this: “It’s scary what a smile can hide.”

We are not put on this earth to live self-serving lives focused on indulging our wants and whims.

We are meant for greater things. To love one another. Even those we don’t know.

Remember to: Pay attention to the people who are right in front of you. Pay attention to the people that are important to you. Pay attention to those who have been forgotten or discarded.

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” – Jesus

Here are some deliberate steps you can take to connect with others:

• Acknowledge the person serving you at a restaurant in a very specific way. Compliment them on something they do very well or ask them about what’s going on in their life.
• Tell your child’s teacher that you appreciate their gifts and their sacrifice for your child.
• Say hello to the raggedy-looking person on the street. Ask how their day is and be prepared to really hear their response.
• Sincerely thank the bagger at the grocery store. I’m talking–looking him/her in the eyes and giving thanks.
• Spend some quality time with a friend that has seemed a bit “off” lately.
• Give a child’s voice the respect it is due. Don’t downplay what comes from the mouths of babes.

Are you hiding something behind your smile? I encourage you to reach out to someone you can trust—a family member, a friend, a counselor, or a pastor.

As always, I appreciate your input. Please leave your comments below.

Don’t forget! If you would like my blog posts to appear in your inbox each week, just add your name and email to the subscription box.

Jill xx

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Tips For Empty Nesters

It has been 3-weeks since we dropped our only child over 2,000 miles from home and despite my “Oh, I’m going to be fine…This is what it’s all about…We raise ‘em to set ‘em free” attitude, I have to admit, I’m not quite as strong as I thought I would be. Waaaaa! I miss my boy!

It’s not like we dropped him in a gutter! His new home away from home is a college within minutes from the Pacific Ocean. He has joined the BEACH volleyball club!

[Tweet “Becoming an empty nester marks the end of an era, NOT the end of parenting. via @LearnWithJill”]

It’s time to take a step back and watch our little birdie take the plunge. We have, after all, been preparing him for this for 18 years.

We raise our kids to be independent, strong, and confident young adults that can leave home with a sense of confidence and excitement for their future. Right?

“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6

Although we may want our children to show a need for us in some way, we don’t want them to look back with fear in their eyes or steps of trepidation.

As we take this great step of faith, let’s consider a few ideas that can help us along in this process. I have outlined several below, but would love your input in the comments section. What works for some may not work for others. Let’s help each other out here, Mamas and Daddies!

I have also included a section below with helpful tips for 1.) young adults leaving the nest, and 2.) parents with kids still at home.

TIPS FOR EMPTY NESTERS:

1. Keep the Lines of Communication Open. Set up clear communication expectations before your child leaves. Our agreement is that we must talk on Sundays. Of course, we welcome the random call, text, or email throughout the week. From one parent to another, an expectation to talk every day is asking a bit much of your grown child. Allow them some space and room to figure out stuff on their own.

2. Cry. It’s ok. There is no shame in this. Studies show that when we cry we are releasing stress hormones. This may sound dramatic, but most empty nesters go through a grieving process, and a natural step in moving through your grief is the physical act of crying.

3. Branch Out. If you get stuck in the crying stage, you will become depressed. You may also unwittingly become an unnecessary burden to your child. Realize and celebrate that a new life has birthed. YOUR new life. Remember when your child was young and you had to pay someone to watch your child to go on a date or go for a run? No more babysitters needed, people! Take some time to think about a new hobby you would like to engage in and get started! Embrace the time you now have to share with your spouse and/or additional children, friends, etc.

4. Give Your Child Some Space. Remember that your “child” is now an adult. Your parenting role did not end when your child left the house, but a new version of your role has begun. Respect your child’s independence, but be available as needed.

5. It’s OK To Make Mistakes. Young adults and old adults make mistakes. We, as parents, need to be at peace in allowing our child to make decisions, good and not so good, that will enable them to learn through natural consequences.

TIPS FOR KIDS WHO HAVE LEFT THE NEST:

1. Remember your parents have provided for your every need for the last 17-18 years, show a little RESPECT!

2. Call/Text/Email your parents at least once per week. You may be busy, but no one should ever be too busy to reach out to a loved one. A “Hey pops! Love ya!” text/email/call goes a loooooooong way!

3. Be strong in your moral convictions. Don’t let your peers decide which road you will travel down. A wise person once said, “Pick your peers, pick your pressures.”

4. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your parents for advice or guidance. They know you best, love you the most, and will always be a good source of wisdom. Most enjoy feeling useful.

5. Enjoy your new life. Take advantage of your new surroundings and partake in experiences that will enrich your life.

TIPS FOR PARENTS WITH KIDS STILL LIVING AT HOME:

1. Be consistent in your discipline. It may be hard while you’re in it, but children feel safer when given boundaries (don’t let the screaming and kicking fool you).

2. Allow your child to make choices under your guidance and learn the consequences.

3. Establish and maintain open lines of communication.

4. Listen. Listen to hear, not to just give your input. At times you will need to suspend judgment.

5. Allow your children to make their own way. Don’t expect your kids to fulfill your own personal dreams.

Ok, parents and kids, I want to hear what you have to add. Pull from your experience and share with us. Any and all advice is welcomed.  Consider your advice as free therapy for struggling parents out there.
Please leave your comment(s) in the comment section below.

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