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How to Create Healthy Boundaries With Toxic People

“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Stephen Covey

I hope you have lots of awesome people in your life, but for our purposes today, we’re going to talk about the toxic people in our lives.

We’ve all got one or two of these toxic relationships, the question is, how do we deal with them?

I’ve found that when I’m around someone toxic, their toxicity bleeds out on me, and with prolonged “exposure”, I’m likely to have toxic reactions: outbursts of anger, saying things I don’t mean, complaining, being argumentative, and being stressed out in general.  Your reactions may manifest themselves in different ways, but what we both share is that we allow someone else’s toxic behavior to affect us in a detrimental way.

Did you notice the words “we allow” in that last sentence?  You and I both have the ability to either remove the toxic person from our lives completely, or at least limit our interactions with them.  This is the process of creating healthy boundaries for yourself.

I know there are certain relationships where it feels like you’re stuck, or you don’t know how to limit your interactions without a huge ordeal.  Today, we’re going to work through two different exercises:  1. Identifying the people who are toxic in our lives, and 2. How to establish healthy boundaries.

First, I want you to read an example I created that lays out a few boundary scenarios.  I think this might help you gain perspective where some people fit in your life.

Imagine you lived next door to your best friend.  When you moved in to your houses, there was a fence dividing your yards.  Because you love hanging out with your friend and you both would like to pass back and forth freely for cookouts and the like, the two of you may decide to take the fence down.  You may have another neighbor that you like, but you’d like a nice picket fence between the two of you with a gate.  The gate is physically and symbolically a barrier to entry.  But, with invitation, the gate is still an easy way to pass back and forth.  On the flip side, imagine you live next door to a neighbor who is difficult, rude, ruthless, disrespectful, and junky.  With this type of person as a neighbor, you may decide to erect a six foot, gate-less fence between your two houses so that your interactions are very limited.  In this last scenario, you may also decide to move to another neighborhood.

Just as with neighbors — some, who you love (others, not so much), all our relationships would do well to go through a boundary test.  You will choose to allow some people free access to you (no fence), others may need some healthy boundaries constructed (a gate as a barrier to entry), while some people are not welcome to any access, and you don’t care to ever see them (the six foot fence or a moving van in your driveway).

Friends, family, co-workers…we live in a world where we interact with many people on any given day.  Awesome people, kind people, annoying people, mean people, funny people, abusive people, rude people, selfish people.  For those that cross your path that are toxic, it’s time you properly identify them and establish healthy boundaries.

Let’s begin with an identification exercise.  You may have a person or two that pop in your head automatically, but still complete the exercise, because it’s good to not only identify the toxic person, but define what it is that makes your relationship toxic.  Someone may fit in every category on the list, and you’ll decide to end the relationship altogether, while someone else may be toxic in one area that you can either establish a proper boundary, or you can make a plan to try and help that person overcome the toxic behavior.

Grab a pencil and paper.

Write down the top 2-3 people (1 per page) outside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with, and the top 2-3 people (1 per page) inside your family that you have the most difficult or painful interactions with.  Now remember, for some of us, there may be some really extreme examples of abuse on our list, while others may just have some personality differences that strain the relationship.  This is an exercise to create healthy boundaries for unhealthy relationships.

Now take each individual name and ask the following questions and write out your answers.

Does this person encourage me?
Does this person treat me with respect?
Does this person love me?
Does this person bring undue stress to my life?
Does this person have unrealistic expectations of me?
Is this person mostly negative?
Is this person honest with me?
Is this person way too self-centered?
Does this person have my back?
Does this person make me feel good when I’m around them?

You can also ask yourself the same types of questions, but flipped, like this:

Does this person discourage me?
Does this person disrespect me?
Does this person, through their actions and words, not show me love?
Does this person stress me out?
Does this person expect too much from me?
Does this person make you lose your positive outlook?
Is this person dishonest with me?
Does this person think the world revolves around them?
Does this person throw me under the bus?
Does this person make me feel bad, or hurt me?

The key here is not to lie to yourself or make excuses in this exercise.  Keep it black and white for now.  Just answer the questions as honestly as you can.

Now, it’s time to take a look at your list and make some healthy decisions.  You may want to let it sit for a day or two, pray about it, or talk to someone you trust for input.  The people you’ve identified probably fall in one of the following categories:  Excessively dramatic.  Abusive.  Controlling.  Chronically negative.  Narcissistic/self-serving.  Now it’s up to you to decide what type of boundary is best suited for each relationship.  Following are six steps to help you through the process.

Six steps to creating healthy boundaries:

NOTE:  For illustrative purposes, we’ll use an example of a toxic family member–let’s call her Aunt Jan–living close by, who expects too much of you and is extremely disrespectful.  You currently do a bunch of weekly errands for her, stop by her house 2-3 times per week, and take her to all her doctor appointments.  Aunt Jan is in her 70s and entirely able.

  1.  Identify and acknowledge the toxic relationships in your life.Aunt Jan scored 8 out of 10 on the list above.  Not a person you should be spending a great deal of time with!  Just acknowledging the problem and deciding to do something about it, is a huge step in the right direction.
  2. Determine a personal boundary plan for each relationship, keeping in mind the importance of your emotional and physical well-being. You are the only family member living near Aunt Jan, so, although you’re tempted to write her off altogether, you determine instead that you will limit your interactions to one visit every three to four weeks, and no errand running or doctor office shuttling (you will supply her with a resource list of people/organizations that can help on a volunteer basis or for a fee).
  3. Set your plan in motion. Because Aunt Jan is somewhat of a bully, you may decide to tell her about the new plan via the telephone, and follow up with dropping the resource list in the mail.  Face to face interactions can get heated, and you’re going to want the transition to be as smooth as possible.  You should plan for kickback from Aunt Jan, but stick to your guns.  Although you don’t owe her a reason for the boundaries you are setting, you may want to have a reason ready.  One way is to let her know that you have over-committed yourself and need to make some changes in your schedule.  I suggest you write it all out and have the paper with you, so you stick to the plan and are not pulled in another direction.
  4. Ask for support, if needed. Toxic people make boundary setting tough, so don’t go at it alone.  Enlist support from a friend, family member, counselor, pastor, or, in extreme cases, a police officer.  Just venting to or bouncing ideas off a friend can be all you need to stay strong and sane.  I think I’d even plan on taking someone along with me on my monthly visits to Aunt Jan.  She may be on her best behavior when in the company of others.
  5. Remember why you made the decision to end the relationship or establish boundaries in the first place.With time, you might forget how bad the relationship was and repeat your mistakes.  Don’t let guilt wear you down either.
  6. Focus on the positive influencers.  Remember the quote by Stephen Covey at the beginning of this article?  “You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  Surround yourself and enjoy the positive influencers in your life.  Don’t let the toxicity of one relationship stain another.

Friends, setting boundaries with toxic people will not be an easy process.  It may be uncomfortable, awkward, and even scary, but just remember, you deserve to have an abundance of happy, healthy relationships.

Jill xx

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The Importance and Benefits of Being Curious

Are you a naturally curious person?  Are you fascinated with how things work, how they’re created, and why they occur?

If so, did you know that your inquiring mind is helping you to not only learn and retain more about that which interests you, but also to better learn and retain the additional things you learn after your brain is in a state of curiosity?

For example, say you were interested in learning how to make a stained glass window.  As you begin to research and learn how the process works, your curiosity will pay off by you now being able to take what you’ve just learned and create a stained glass window.  The added benefit is that while your mind is still functioning in that state of curiosity, if you were to study up on something that wasn’t interesting to you—maybe your 5th grader’s math homework–you’d be more likely to learn and retain that information as well.

Do you see the significance of stimulating curiosity and how this can benefit all of us in our everyday lives?

Imagine how teachers, parents, business people, artists, students, etc. could use this scientific discovery to their advantage.

Curious about the science of this phenomenon?

It’s all about the dopamine.

Charan Ranganath, neuroscientist at University California, Davis, explains: “This work suggests that once you light that fire of curiosity, you put the brain in a state that’s more conducive to learning. Once you get this ramp-up of dopamine, the brain becomes more like a sponge that’s ready to soak up whatever is happening.”

Now you’ve got the scientific backing for the importance of curiosity, so I’d like to add a few points that I think are important too:

Curiosity helps us to look past ourselves.  By nature, we are self-centered.  Being curious about other things and other people is good for us and will make us better people.

Curiosity deepens relationships.  Do you know your spouse’s, your child’s, or your best friend’s favorite food, book, movie, color, word?  If not, ask them.  Ask them what their dreamy-ist dream is.  Ask them about the most painful time in their life.  Ask them about the happiest day in their life.  The more you know, the closer you’ll grow.

Curiosity keeps you actively engaged with life.  There are so many fun, wonderful, amazing, and even sad things in this world that are just waiting for you to discover them.  Your curiosity, if you allow it to, will introduce you to events, opportunities, and experiences that you’ll never forget.

Two things I’d love for you to accomplish today:

  1. Try out the following experiment: Stimulate your curiosity with something you’re interested in and while your brain is all dopamined up, switch to something not so interesting and see how you learn and retain.While you’re at it, make sure to allow this experiment to truly benefit you by picking a real-world boring or uninteresting thing to learn about.  We all have things we need to learn around the house or at the office that just don’t get us excited.
  2. “Interview” someone you love today. Ask all the good questions and have fun!

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today.

Please share my blog with your friends, family, and co-workers.

Have a great day!

Jill xx

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How Your Perspective Can Affect Your Circumstance

Are you feeling like you’re stuck in a rut? Tired of your routine? Feeling useless or even hopeless?  Maybe you’re going through something right now that’s painful, hard, or doesn’t seem fair.

The reality is, at any given point, we’re either going through, have just passed through, or are about to enter into a difficult time.

So often when we’re in the middle of a not-so-great-time in our lives, all we can focus on is getting to the other side.  Of course, overcoming or getting through these less-than-desirable circumstances is a worthy goal, but it’s worth acknowledging that there may be something very important happening during the tough parts of your journey–something that you might be very thankful for later.

All this is easier said than done, but I’d like to encourage you to view your present, past, and future circumstances in a different light.

I present to you The 3 C’s of Circumstance: Connections. Competency. Compassion.

My hope is that you’ll learn to view your current, past, and future circumstances with a new perspective.  A perspective that will shed positive light on a dark time.

Connections.  Shared experiences, good and bad, create a bond like no other.  Friendships can grow and develop deeply during difficult times.  Many of us have a friend that we’d never have met, had our paths not crossed during a difficult time in our lives.  A friend of mine became friends with some of the nurses that treated her while she was undergoing cancer treatment.  Would she have ever wished for a scenario like this to make friends?  Of course not.  But it happened, and I’ve heard her say many times that she wouldn’t change a thing for what she gained during that period–new friendships being just one of the positive outcomes.

I remember sitting on a plane the day after my mom died, and a lady came and sat next to me.  For the next three hours we talked about the death of my mom and the deterioration of her dying father.  I haven’t seen her since that day years ago, but I will always be thankful for the powerful connection we had during those few hours, thousands of feet in the air.  By the way, I’ve always thought she was an angel sent to me that day.

Competency.  At any given point, there are tasks that are set before us that we have the opportunity to learn something new or develop a skill for.  From digging a hole for a fence post, to typing up notes from a meeting, to leading a sales team at your office, to advocating your own healthcare–learning and growing opportunities abound.

The problem many people face, is when they tire of their job, they’re not doing exactly what they think they should be doing with their life, or they’re stuck in a rut in some other area of their life, they allow a negative mindset to take over.  Do you realize the wasted energy we expend when we groan and complain (vocally or to ourselves) over tasks we have to do?

I used to dread washing dishes and vacuuming, so I’d just put those things off.  Guess where that left me?  Procrastination wtih household chores equals a messy house.  Years ago, I remember hearing someone suggest trying to be “present” during mundane tasks such as these.  I took this to heart and worked on developing that “present” mindset.  Friends, I don’t lie when I tell you that I find myself smiling and feeling energized when doing these tasks now!  The skill I built through this experience:  Focusing on the positive and appreciating the fact that I have a rug to vacuum and a dish to clean in hot water.  This mindset change has served me well in all areas of my life and it will for you too.

Compassion.  Unless you’ve been divorced, you don’t know what it’s like to experience divorce.  Unless you’ve been an addict, you don’t know what it’s like to experience withdrawal.  Unless you’ve fought cancer, you don’t know what it’s like to experience all the doctors’ visits, sickness, and the feeling of being alone in your illness.  Unless you’ve raised a child with special needs, you don’t know the extreme emotions, you as a parent, will experience.  Unless you’ve lost a job, you don’t know the fear that sets in.  We could go on and on with the examples, couldn’t we?

Don’t let your experiences disappear in the distance in vain.  Use your experience to be a source of light for someone else.  Don’t underestimate the power of extending an understanding ear to someone going through a tough time–this can be a monumental act of compassion.

I hope you’ll recall the 3 C’s of Circumstance–connection, competency, and compassion–next time you’re in a tough place, or when you find yourself in a position to share or utilize your experiences to help someone else.

Thanks for spending time with me today!  Please share this post with your friends, family and colleagues.

Jill xx

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3 Steps to Cultivate and Grow Your Relationships

“Your family and your love must be cultivated like a garden.   Time, effort and imagination must be summoned constantly to keep any relationship flourishing and growing.” – Jim Rohn

I love this quote!  The words Mr. Rohn uses have such vivid imagery: cultivated…imagination…summoned…flourishing…growing.  He points out that human relationships, just like a garden, require time, effort, and imagination to flourish and grow, but did you notice these two words (their significance slipped past me when I first read the quote):  summoned and constantly?  That means the actions we take in our relationships are not a one-time thing–we must be intentional and diligent when it comes to the tending of our relationships–the time, effort and imagination must be summoned constantly.

If you’ve ever had a garden, you know the amount of work it takes to plan, plant, maintain, and harvest it.

Friends, if we don’t pay close attention to our relational “gardens,” the weeds will take hold and choke out the potential for beauty and bounty.

Do you have weeds threatening to take over your “garden”?  Have the weeds infiltrated the relationships with your spouse, your children, your parents, your friends?

The good news is that, today, each of us has an opportunity and the ability to get in our “gardens,” get the weeds out, and let the flourishing begin!

Let’s take Mr. Rohn’s lead and break it down in three parts: Time, Imagination, and Effort.

Time:  Relationships require time to develop, grow, and thrive.  Regardless of who we are, or what we do, we all have exactly 168 hours in each week.  Every single one of us is able to carve out time to devote to our relationships.

If you’re reading this and tensing up right now because you can’t imagine where you’ll find any extra time to do anything else, then I suggest you make a list of all that you do and see what really needs your attention and what you can get rid of or move around in order to make room for something as important as a relationship with someone you love.

In years past, I was the “volunteer queen,” doing a little bit of everything for everyone that asked.  Guess what suffered?  My relationship with my husband.  Because he’s not much of a squeaky wheel, I had to mostly figure this out on my own, but am I ever thankful I did!  My stumbling block was that because I was “doing good” and helping people, I thought that those things needed to take top priority in my schedule.  This isn’t true.  I learned the importance of protecting and cultivating our most important relationships, and by doing so, everything else will fall into place, including “doing good.”  I still find time to volunteer, but I’m careful to be realistic with the time I have available, and I use the word “no” more often so I don’t overcommit.

Imagination:  This is the fun part!  Use your imagination and think outside the box for ways to cultivate and enrich your relationships.

Gary Chapman, author of The Five Love Languages, writes of the importance of discovering the “love language” of those you are in relationship with (spouse, kids, friends, parents) in order to express your love most effectively.  Believe me, figuring this out will be a huge benefit for your relationships.  Click here to read an article I wrote on this topic – in it I share how I discovered my husband’s love language – it goes along with our gardening theme today!

Once you understand the love language of those you are in relationship with it will help direct your thinking so that you can let your imagination go wild and come up with some fun ideas to express your love!  This is important, because one person might feel loved when you spend time working on a home project with them, another may prefer to be showered in gifts, and another may just want to hold your hand while you stroll through a park.

Effort:  Yes, even the best relationships take effort to develop and maintain.  Depending on the type of relationship and what’s going on in that relationship at the time, this might mean you’ve got some hard work ahead of you.  If that’s the case, just take it one day at a time, keep your head up and before you know it, you’ll be able to look back and see all the progress you’ve made.

On the other hand, there are times when the fruits of your imagination require effort that is fun and exciting.  Enjoy the process!

That’s it!  Time, imagination and effort = flourishing relationships.

Now, let’s put what we’ve talked about to use.  Before you move on to the next part of your day:  1. Pick one person you’d like to cultivate the relationship of, 2. Figure out their love language, 3. Schedule something that will benefit your relationship, 3. Repeat over time, 4. Enjoy the fruits of your “labor!”

As always, I appreciate you spending time with me here today!  If you found value in this post, please make sure to share it with others.

Here’s to your relationships growing and flourishing!

Jill xx

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How to Stop Hurting The People You Love The Most

Have you noticed how we have a tendency to lash out or act ugly with those we love the most?  From the use of a condescending tone to being unreasonably impatient, it seems the closer we are, the worse our conduct can be.  Then we turn around and use our best manners with perfect strangers!

I’ve been guilty of this type of poor behavior and I’ve witnessed others doing it too.  Why is it that we allow ourselves to do this to our most precious relationships??

The reason I bring this topic up today is because I believe if we purposely pay attention to how we treat others, especially those closest to us, and take steps to improve our interactions, our relationships will flourish and we will be happier people.

The good/bad news is there’s always room for improvement.  If you’re reading this and think that there is not one thing you could do to improve your interactions with your loved ones, think again.

Since it can sometimes be hard to take an objective look at our own behaviors, I’ve found that it’s helpful to observe others around us and learn from their interpersonal interactions.

Whether you’re at the grocery store, a dinner party, a sporting event, at church, or at a family gathering, watch how others interact with their spouses, kids, friends, siblings, parents.  Do they exhibit kindness, respect, and patience, or rudeness, disrespect, and shortness?  I think you’ll find there are some common misbehaviors among people.  Take note of these and spend some time in honest self-examination–ask yourself if you’re guilty of any of the negative behaviors you witnessed.

Once you’ve figured out where you might be able to make some improvements, there are two important steps to take.

STEP 1:  Change your behavior.  You’ve already overcome the biggest hurtle—identifying the problem and admitting the need for change.

You can get to work on this step immediately.  The next step, however, may take some time, but is critical to your long-term success.

STEP 2:  Get to the root cause of why you fell into the bad behavior in the first place.  Invariably, when people behave poorly there’s something going on “behind-the-scenes” that needs to be dealt with.

Let’s take a look at some of those root causes here:

Three Root Causes of Poor Behavior:

Unfulfilled.  We live in an age of comparison where it’s easy to get caught up in coveting the “amazing” lives of others that are constantly displayed all over the internet.

When we’re not content with our own lives, we have a tendency to drag others down with us.  Unfortunately, our loved ones are usually the closest thing to grab on to on our way down.

Resentful.  Resentment occurs when we feel disrespected, mistreated, not understood, or not listened to.  It can stem from being hurt by someone or from our own mismanaged expectations of others.  If you don’t let go of resentment, it will ruin any chance you have of true happiness.  You’ve probably heard this quote, but it really hits the nail on the head of this issue: “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

Undefined Boundaries.  Adults can be vulnerable to a “rule-less” life and misbehave just like a child whose parents don’t provide boundaries for acceptable behavior.  Reasonable boundaries make people–young and old–feel safe.  If you weren’t brought up in an environment with reasonable boundaries, you’re going to have to learn some in order to experience success in your relationships.

Think about it this way…relationships are a two-way street and your responsibility is to keep your side of the street in good shape.  When you notice a pot-hole, you’ll want to fix it, but it’s also a good idea to figure out the reason for the weakness in that area in order to ward off future problems.

I appreciate you spending time with me today!

Jill xx

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Gratitude in a Virtual World

There are 829 million daily active users on Facebook today.

What are we all doing there?

We are either sharing, watching others share, snooping, or a  little of each.

We share milestones: Births. Deaths. Job changes. Relationship status updates. The list goes on.

We share beautiful sunsets, what we ate for lunch, funny memes, how many goals our awesome kids scored, and ALS bucket dousing videos. The list goes on.

What do we tend to steer away from sharing? The awful fight we got in with our spouse or best friend, the ginormous zit on our chin, the failed test, the feelings of despair after you get “the call” from the doctor’s office. The list goes on.

Seven days ago, I was challenged on Facebook to list out things I was grateful for each day, for seven consecutive days.

While I don’t often share much about myself on Facebook, this has been a fun exercise.

What have I been most grateful for this past week? Family and friends. The sound of children laughing. My relationship with God. Being flawed, yet still fabulous. Music that rocks my soul. Quality time with my boy before he leaves for college. People who smile. Life-saving blood cells from an umbilical cord that saved my best friend’s life.

Today is the last day of sharing my heart on this seven-day gratitude challenge.

Here were the words I shared on Facebook today:

Today I am super grateful, proud and nervous to announce the birth of…

…MY BLOG.

For those of you that know me, I hope I didn’t dash your expectations for a moment that I might be birthing another human-being! Are you kidding?! I’ve got my only offspring headed to college any minute. What will this empty nester have time for now?

Writing… HERE .

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.” Ernest Hemingway

I have imagined starting a personal and business development (think life-coach/teacher) website for several years. Like many of us tend to do, I pushed that idea back in the dusty corner that doesn’t receive much attention.

Until now. My dream has officially been dusted off, semi-polished and I’m throwing glitter in the air!

My goal in writing this blog is to provide a virtual space that will be a place of inspiration, encouragement and education. A place to ask questions and share ideas. (To gain a sense of why I might like to provide such a place, click here to read a little about my personal and professional background.)

I should let you know…

THIS post wasn’t the post I planned to launch my blog with. I actually wrote an extensive article on living a life of purpose and passion. I even created a printable goal sheet to go with that post! (The geek in me will tend to rear its head from time to time here—no apologies.) I hope you will find that particular post very helpful in the future. HINT: Subscribe to this blog and it will magically arrive in your inbox each week.

With this being the last day of my gratitude challenge and the launch of this website, how could I NOT write about gratitude and the effect it has on our lives.

Whether you choose to share in a public format or simply write in a journal each day, I encourage you to express your gratitude daily. It will change your life.

Choosing gratitude each day is not always easy, but with practice you will find that it is possible to be grateful even in the most difficult of circumstances.

John F. Kennedy once said, “As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.”

Express Gratitude Today

If you choose to subscribe to this blog, you will hear from me once (maybe twice) per week. I will try to bring value to your life with the thoughts and information I share. I hope you, in turn, will contribute your thoughts and ask questions for us to ponder in the comment section below each post.

I would be honored if you would put your name and email in the subscription box and see where this journey takes us.  Jill xo

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