Tips For Empty Nesters
It has been 3-weeks since we dropped our only child over 2,000 miles from home and despite my “Oh, I’m going to be fine…This is what it’s all about…We raise ‘em to set ‘em free” attitude, I have to admit, I’m not quite as strong as I thought I would be. Waaaaa! I miss my boy!
It’s not like we dropped him in a gutter! His new home away from home is a college within minutes from the Pacific Ocean. He has joined the BEACH volleyball club!
[Tweet “Becoming an empty nester marks the end of an era, NOT the end of parenting. via @LearnWithJill”]
It’s time to take a step back and watch our little birdie take the plunge. We have, after all, been preparing him for this for 18 years.
We raise our kids to be independent, strong, and confident young adults that can leave home with a sense of confidence and excitement for their future. Right?
“Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6
Although we may want our children to show a need for us in some way, we don’t want them to look back with fear in their eyes or steps of trepidation.
As we take this great step of faith, let’s consider a few ideas that can help us along in this process. I have outlined several below, but would love your input in the comments section. What works for some may not work for others. Let’s help each other out here, Mamas and Daddies!
I have also included a section below with helpful tips for 1.) young adults leaving the nest, and 2.) parents with kids still at home.
TIPS FOR EMPTY NESTERS:
1. Keep the Lines of Communication Open. Set up clear communication expectations before your child leaves. Our agreement is that we must talk on Sundays. Of course, we welcome the random call, text, or email throughout the week. From one parent to another, an expectation to talk every day is asking a bit much of your grown child. Allow them some space and room to figure out stuff on their own.
2. Cry. It’s ok. There is no shame in this. Studies show that when we cry we are releasing stress hormones. This may sound dramatic, but most empty nesters go through a grieving process, and a natural step in moving through your grief is the physical act of crying.
3. Branch Out. If you get stuck in the crying stage, you will become depressed. You may also unwittingly become an unnecessary burden to your child. Realize and celebrate that a new life has birthed. YOUR new life. Remember when your child was young and you had to pay someone to watch your child to go on a date or go for a run? No more babysitters needed, people! Take some time to think about a new hobby you would like to engage in and get started! Embrace the time you now have to share with your spouse and/or additional children, friends, etc.
4. Give Your Child Some Space. Remember that your “child” is now an adult. Your parenting role did not end when your child left the house, but a new version of your role has begun. Respect your child’s independence, but be available as needed.
5. It’s OK To Make Mistakes. Young adults and old adults make mistakes. We, as parents, need to be at peace in allowing our child to make decisions, good and not so good, that will enable them to learn through natural consequences.
TIPS FOR KIDS WHO HAVE LEFT THE NEST:
1. Remember your parents have provided for your every need for the last 17-18 years, show a little RESPECT!
2. Call/Text/Email your parents at least once per week. You may be busy, but no one should ever be too busy to reach out to a loved one. A “Hey pops! Love ya!” text/email/call goes a loooooooong way!
3. Be strong in your moral convictions. Don’t let your peers decide which road you will travel down. A wise person once said, “Pick your peers, pick your pressures.”
4. Don’t be afraid to reach out to your parents for advice or guidance. They know you best, love you the most, and will always be a good source of wisdom. Most enjoy feeling useful.
5. Enjoy your new life. Take advantage of your new surroundings and partake in experiences that will enrich your life.
TIPS FOR PARENTS WITH KIDS STILL LIVING AT HOME:
1. Be consistent in your discipline. It may be hard while you’re in it, but children feel safer when given boundaries (don’t let the screaming and kicking fool you).
2. Allow your child to make choices under your guidance and learn the consequences.
3. Establish and maintain open lines of communication.
4. Listen. Listen to hear, not to just give your input. At times you will need to suspend judgment.
5. Allow your children to make their own way. Don’t expect your kids to fulfill your own personal dreams.
Ok, parents and kids, I want to hear what you have to add. Pull from your experience and share with us. Any and all advice is welcomed. Consider your advice as free therapy for struggling parents out there.
Please leave your comment(s) in the comment section below.
Very helpful ! While in college , there was an expectation for me to call home every Sunday evening @ 6. It has transitioned into my life as a parent , I expect that to be family time.
Thanks Elizabeth! It’s nice when we can learn something from our parents and carry on a similar plan with our own families as parents. Thanks for your input!
I always loved the poem that has the line…”if you love something set it free”…..the other side of the issue is to celebrate your child’s (and your) new beginnings. Parents sometimes focus on what is lost rather than what is gained….you have spent time, energy and love developing your child into a good, kind human being. That Alone is cause for hope and celebration. Good work
Judy, you are so wise! Good point on us parents focusing on what is lost instead of what is gained. This is a big mistake to make. Sending our kids off in love is a reason to celebrate! Thank you for your insight.
By focusing on what is gained it gives the child (young adult) a positive basis to begin their lives as true individuals. Think of the subconscious message of Guilt that might be laid if the child feels his going away is a cause for sorrow.
If you celebrate your child’s “leaving” as a new beginning you can get years of joy in watching them unfold their own wings. Focusing on loss is more about what the parent wants than what the child needs.
One of my joys is watching my bonus daughter develop her voice. Love you
Yes, the last thing we want to do is lay guilt on them. You have done well and have been an inspiration to your boys and your bonus daughter as well! xo
Thanks for sharing Jill. My son is the last one to go to college. My daughter went to University of Chicago. She’ll graduate in June. But that was tough. We live in Texas. She had a hard time calling or skyping when she first got there. Now it seems like that was yesterday. My son is excited to go to college. He’s only 3 hours away. Makes the transition a little easier. Great tips in your post. Thanks so much 🙂